have you ever tasted the saltiness of the ocean or the iron taste of blood, the cuts on my writs symbolize all the times I lost the inner war within my body within my self within my heart

have you ever tasted the saltiness of the ocean of the iron taste of blood, I took the life of that young girl I called myself back then, only to call myself me who I am now, make sense, I didn't think so. I love you, is so foreign on my tongue. so foreign and so sweet, like a nectarine.

have you ever tasted the saltiness of the ocean or the iron taste of blood, I kissed you goodbye one last time but I didn't know that would be the last time,

how do we ever know the last time is the last time.

the cuts on my wrist symbolize all the times I lost the inner war within my body within my self. within my heart.

have you ever tasted the saltiness of the ocean or the iron taste of blood, the cuts on my writs symbolize all the times I lost the inner war within my body within my self within my heart

have you ever tasted the saltiness of the ocean of the iron taste of blood, I took the life of that young girl I called myself back then, only to call myself me who I am now, make sense, I didn't think so. I love you, is so foreign on my tongue. so foreign and so sweet, like a nectarine.

have you ever tasted the saltiness of the ocean or the iron taste of blood, I kissed you goodbye one last time but I didn't know that would be the last time,

how do we ever know the last time is the last time.

the cuts on my wrist symbolize all the times I lost the inner war within my body within my self. within my heart.

Listening to the right music can bring you to a new place, well writing brings me to a new world, it keeps my demons at bay. Over the summer of 2017 at Forman summer program I realized that I was depleted.

I realized that I was a

hoarder

of emotions

And

self-loathing.

I realized writing was my release from the world.

I sat by the window,

the seat by the fireplace,

never used,

never touched,

the window seat with the cushion

and the view of the graduation tree

and the green,

the picnic bench and the kids playing.

I sat there and wrote for house

on hours.

I guess you could say

I’m scared

of the outside world

that’s why you always see me inside,

I guess you could say

I’m scared of being on the outside

that’s why you always see me inside,

outside of everything.

I'm choking.

Writing is my release from the world

it helps me see that nothing bad is truly bad and everything bad can be warped and bent into something good.

I never felt the same when I picked up my first black composition book

I took it and my world changed,

clung to it as you cling to air when you learn to swim,

like you cling to hope

and then I tied my hair,

I tied my hair back into a ponytail and I got to work

I broke my pen on the pages,

broke my heart out onto the paper that was laid out in front of me.

I lost all sense of time and space and wrote and wrote and wrote.

I wrote.

“I have these voices in my brain and I created them and I hate them but I asked them to stay.”

(Hotel Books, Wooden Floorboards)

I ASKED THEM TO STAY,

I asked them to stay,

They give me inspiration

And

hope

and

reason

to keep writing,

and that’s something

I hope never goes away.

“It’s funny how artistic we become when our hearts are broken,”

(Hotel Books, I always thought I would be okay)

I don't write to bring sadness

or a feeling of loneliness

I write so people can relate

and understand their feelings

and not feel so al-one in this world.

I write so we can raise our hands together

shed our fears and scream

IM HERE AND I EXIST.

I wrote this to tell to you about my life

, and that’s exactly

what i

Did

And

Intend

To

Do

With

The rest of my life

self-loathing, depleted, hatred, and lack of endearment

I meant the best but what I did was the worst,

my words were violent, shrill wales instead of soft silent calls for help,

my moments were fading slowly and instead of helping I made things fade inside,

I gouged out my eyes trying to fall asleep at night.

silent cries for help

I cried,

know you're not asleep

know you're not alone,

I'll remind you I'm not away, and if I fail you at least I tried. my cries are not worry or pity for you they're hatred for me.

I hope one day you see what I see

through the eyes of the eyes, you do not love.

love me hate me,

meet me leave me,

cycles on rewind

cycles on repeat.

the devil hides in between the cracks that form from the line between your face,

love me hate me

meet me leave me,

cycles on rewind

cycles on repeat.

never ending but always repeating

my self destructing tendencies never seem to fade.

Self-deprecating, self-loathing, broken heart that’s what you say same to. I'm so happy I met you, but you don't know that I'm here because I have to or I feel bad for you, that’s what runs through your mind but what if that’s not it, at least that’s not it for me. I love your eyes and the dimples that form when you smile and unfortunately when you cry, I love the scars you have because they tell a story and show a past that changed you, I have them too on both my arms. this isn't just a fun thing for me I know that you aren't always going to be okay and some nights that’s all that I'm going to think about but I'm here not just for now not just until I get bored, you aren't a hobby you mean so much more to me than you will ever believe. Your family doesn't accept you and only see the negative parts of your life, you're not happy with who you are but they just think it's a joke and I'm not your family but I'll be here for you when they aren't because I wish to believe as I believe in you, you're constantly torn down and every smile is like a forced compliment from an enemy, I wish it was real because on the rare occasion you do smile you have so much beauty. you hold onto the people who hurt you because you're scared of not having anyone at all but I'm here to tell you, you'll have me.

I told you to smile when I saw you cry, and you did as I said, not because you liked me, nor because you listened to me, but because you knew I understood what it feels like to be half dead,

Life in reality without life itself is the same as being alive but not knowing who you are,

I love the smell of the ocean but I hate the beach the sand on my feet remind me that I’m alive and I can’t hide.,

I told you to smile,

people say eyes tell a thousand stories but yours just hold lies,

when I see you I’m reminded of the overwhelming feeling of drowning, maybe that’s why I hate the beach, or maybe it just reminds me of when I finally learned to swim and no longer felt the sensation of my own emotions,

the drowning feeling I felt when they took their spot at the head of the table and led the night with a fake smile and laughter, the pain in my heart holds disaster but I’ve learned to live with it.

I’ve learned to love it.

The Sand on my feet reminds me that this is reality and for now I have to live with it,

so I told you to smile,

I leave you trapped in the mirror so I can try to live freely,l but whenever I see you, I see me.

as I sit here in forensics I think back to the very beginning of everything, when we were so innocent un hurt and never pained. our hearts were still happy and no care in the world, but now I sit here listening to hotel books and reflect on everything thats happened and how much pain is caused, this world causes pain and destiny is just another world for hopeful thinkers and sad people use the word depression to describe their whole world. never caving never fading even when they want to, i'm sad to say that this is what I think about at this very moment. I'm said to say that my reflections are dark, I love you like the moon loves the stars, I love you like bees love honey, cheesy quotes used to be what made us happy but now all I think about is the dark side of the moon.

I chose to believe that I believed what I said, I kept quiet and said nothing for so long and yet now its all build up and turned me into the monster, not you, I chose to believe that I was needed and that you wanted me and that you loved me, but maybe I just chose to believe what wasn't ever true.