The loneliness takes hold at night.

Arms are cold. Like the silence that encompasses all, my thoughts are no solace.

A race never-ending, until my mind melts at the fury of restless sleep, and dreamless apathy. Indifference, is this numbing vibration, separating quietness, void of emotion.

will I ever know peace in the night? Will I know what it’s like to be fulfilled when darkness takes hold?

—Please, don’t leave me alone. It’s too cold.

My grandmother said, faithfully, confidently—“God sits up high and looks down low”. I could see the joy in her eyes, that mirth in her face—adoration tinged heights in her voice, trumpets sounding loudly singing praises most grand. In her aged hands, *that* book, like a leather belt—strapped tightly, a subtle reminder to obey—always.

I sat in silence. God sits up high and looks down low? Really?

—how low? Where did he go to see me? Did he find me in the hole? Drenched in tears, surrounded by sheets covered in my sorrows, my moans not in praise, as they say on the moanin‘ bench—but, in agony, I clenched to covers in between my fingers, clutching my prayers in my breast as the belt cracked down on my exposed skin—

stripped bare and clean, I writhed, each lashing stinging, teeth grinding, pain, I remember the “step”—mother I had drilling into my being that it’s all my fault, how could I not follow directions, all I had to do was *follow directions*—crack—why can’t do you do what I tell you, CRACK—this is the on—CRACK—ly WAY—

Did he look down below? in a cavern? A ravine? deep trench opening, spreading wide—my legs, he touches my legs, he undresses me with his eyes—a cave fleshy pink, did he look there? When he touched me and I said ‘no’, did he look in the mouth, telling me I’ll “learn to like it”, did he look below? I screamed out into nothingness, this cave is too deep, I can’t climb out—he won’t stop he won’t let go it hurts, please, stop—I don’t like it, will he let go, why won’t he stop?!

He looked for me in the desert? Nowhere to be seen, my “family” never dripping water of Life, Love—only ever thirsting for more, I can’t cry anymore, why can’t they love me, I can’t do it anymore why can’t they see me—I’m alone, where are you, when will you get here I’m alone?!

god didn’t look down low for me. He sat up high.

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you. —How long has it been since we last spoke? Talked on the phone? —do I even remember your number ? 443xxx? No, they escape me. I never thought you’d find me, I’ve run from you so long. How dare I see you again?

my heart cries out, knowing you’re coming. I know that feeling—familiar ache in my chest, tingling in my bones whenever you come near. Melodious symphony erupts, the flowers breathe and sigh, filling, encasing, all-encompassing… I’m scared of you.

I ran so far! I hid so deep! Darkness envelops that space, creeping up to take your Light—please, don’t remind me of that music. Don’t play that song. Don’t say that phrase. Don’t call my name. Don’t hold me tightly—don’t let me fall into you.

don‘t make me remember the nights. We sighed, orgasmic, sultry, tones of ecstasy, heat intwined in fiery passionate naked bliss, don’t tell me! don’t make me…

I lied to you. I said I didn’t miss you. I said I’d never feel you. I‘d close it all away.

love. We should catch up again. I’ve lost you. Found you again. I don’t remember you. What’s your number again? We talk. We embrace. We hurt. Tell me what you are again.

Mama--

as soon as I get to you, I'll tell you all about my troubles.

As soon as I get home. It seems so far away, and you seem so distant-- but I wait for the day where I can tell you about my life, as it was.

I'll tell you of the cancer, I'll tell you of my first love, I'll tell you of my pain, I'll tell you of my joy, I'll tell you of my heart and my soul.

I'll tell you of my marriage, I'll tell you of my children! I'll tell you of my desires! I'll tell you of my tears! Mama!

When I get Home! I'll tell you of the victories! I'll tell you of the failures! I'll sit at your feet and while you listen, I'll tell you my favorite song!

Mama! Why is Home so far? Your call is near my heart.

When the Crown of Eternity dons me new Life, and I join the chorus of my ancestors! I'll tell the story! I'll tell you the story as soon as I reach

Home. Mama.

how do I feel?

like shit.

how do I describe it?

like a hand covered in rock-salt rubbed itself on a deep, open, infected wound.

like, I scraped both my knees, while losing my shoes and having the kneel down to get them; with a sidewalk covered with tiny, sharp pebbles.

miniscule paper cuts on every part of my body.

I've broken my foot, but have no crutches, and have no choice to walk a mile to any. And

arthritic in the winter time.

#depression #pain

Forever in the dark I’ll wander without a purpose.

I... Seem to meet nothing but darkness. The hope I once had is long gone and I— don’t feel the warmth I once did when I was young.

I was too trusting. My heart never closes— it’s erubescent glow flashed metronomically, “OPEN”, while the windows of my souls were laid bare behind the rain-coated glass. I would stare out, looking for those who would cater to me kindly.

I was too loving. Every part this being went to others. I gave myself up—an offering to those who didn’t deserve even an ounce, not even the tiniest inkling of kindness.

Every compliment met with contempt much to my dismay. And I am the only one to wonder why I can’t fight the lonliness of being the only one that gives a damn.

I’m... always alone. Always. Always. Always. Always...

#mercy

Whoever told you that I couldn't was dead wrong.

I'll do it better than you ever could.

I'll take my body higher, higher than you ever would.

My legs wrap around the night sky, arms outreached to the stars,

The sun kisses my lips, and I melt into a mushy mess.

A shadow of the daytime I once embraced so calmly,

A wild animal—husky grunts, my breasts clasped in my arms.

Better than you ever could.

My bed holds me better than you could ever dream of.

I sink into dreamy caress, moans into the darkness,

Mm—ohh there's never been anything greater.

I bit my lip so hard, I felt my heartbeat.

I gritted my teeth so strongly, the blood pulsed through my veins.

I struggle through hoarse breath, take it higher.

Much higher than you could.

My skin glows pink, extravagant fervor, take me deeper.

Whoever said, "I'll take you to heaven", didn't have the same heaven as mine.

Because mine is higher than yours.

Fingers dance around my body,

I can't... keep... still...

I—feel more... more than you ever could.

I feel it all... even, this one moment, where my breath

Holds...

And I... I can't take it anymore.

#fever #feeling #prose

“It’d be much better if you were dead.”— that’s what she told me.

And every day, night, and hour; the failure in my own head seeks to reap me of her “harvest”.

When I am walking across a rusty bridge on a cool, spring morning;

where the air is just right, the sky dipped baby-blue, dribbled with white high clouds that dance across a peaceful sky: the smell of the blossoms riding along the wind, with petals taking flight, some falling to sparkling water below.

And there she goes:

“You’d be better off, careening off this bridge.”

And, sickeningly, I believe her.

My suffering enduring for what seems to be forever, with a future that is nothing but a bleak point in existence, even if I will have one,

I believe that when she tells me that I am nothing but a momentary speck in time and space,

that I’m nothing but an empty socket, for some to plug up and shut down,

And that if I die, I will be just as everyone else, remembered: and then forgotten.

the failure in my head, speaks so fucking clearly.

”You’d be better off.“ with a soft chuckle at the end of her words, “If you just didn’t exist at all.”

#poetry #depression #struggling #feeling

—Falling in love with you never felt so damn satisfying.

Tell me: how did it feel, knowing that, unconditionally I'd love you better than I'd love myself? How did it feel, knowing that you took me to places I'd never even dream of? For a moment, just a moment, I thought I knew what it was; what it meant to finally get the "love" I'd desired in my tiny 16-year old body. For a moment, I thought that you were the "one and only" that my parents would coo and gawk at, drooling incessively at this dreamy disposition of the concept I wanted to learn about vehemently.

Really, these were the thoughts I had running through my mind. Fire in my bones, firecrackers going off in my head, this dripping, oozing heat: a crippling devotion, to get down on my knees and beg you for the "love" I so easily gave to you.

"Please," gasping the word, my chest felt tight, a steel vise gripped my lungs with such force. "Take me!"

And, happily—slyly, with a gritty smirk on your face: you obliged. My body had no choice to obey to your every whim. Ooh, I wished you could take me deeper. Deeper and deeper until I gave into your slightest command. The darkness in the room enhancing my senses. I felt your movements, your labored breathing, the tiniest contortions; how you didn't understand that I wanted you. Or, maybe you did. That was your plan.

In my ignorance, you understood my passions. My wants and my very needs. You dipped your words in the smoothest honey, it tasted so sweet to you—you knew what you'd do to me. Oh, you fucking devil. I should've known.

The greatest sex, ended with my own feelings unanswered. You knew how to grind in me, you knew how to make the cream flow from in between those steaming legs. The sweat leaving me only followed your demands. You knew me.

The wrong man, had never felt so right.

#romance #love #prose #feelings

Yesterday, before the week began, you showed up in my presence. 

I should've been happy—joy should have found its way erupting in my being with songs of jubilee, singing "Oh Happy Day" when the day came where your face met with my own. I should've felt every muscle twinge and pop as a grin shifted its way across my cheeks, rosy; filled with the exuberance of knowing your arrival was wanted. My heart should have leapt with excitement; there should have been no room for disappointment, for I could have felt warmth. If my eyes weren't so deceiving, I would have noticed that my pupils grew bigger covering my mahogeny irises to see you clearly. 

—I should have felt that...

But I didn't. When I looked at you, I saw absolutely nothing. Your mouth was nothing but a gaping hole in the middle of your face, eyes sunken and desperate for refreshment. Everyone in the room scrambled to bow to you! When I could not! For my feet would not move, and my mouth became dry. The words I wished to say stuck in my throat; a thick jello that slid with my saliva along the insides of my esophagus. For a moment I thought I should gather my wits. Though I was sound, sane—my mind knew. I knew. 

 A blank expression washed upon your figure. Bleak, lifeless, and grey. Oh, faceless woman, that haunts me in my dreams. 

Why is it that I wish so much to know who you are? Though I know your being causes nothing but shame. Hurt, and agony. Don't come near me any longer. Everything bends to your will, but me, I am not mad. Insane in your tasteless embrace. 

Leave me be.