If love was the ocean,

I'd be drowning right now.

But instead,

I'm falling...

Plummetting

towards the ground

that never comes.

Falling faster,

and faster.

Falling even more,

In love,

With You.

And I can

Only hope

That you will

Catch me,

Before I hit

The ground

and die.

I cycle through

the same mistakes

submitting

to the power

of its irrelevance,

helplessly

missing you

every night

the stars

circle back up

to fortify

a singular hope.

#poetry

Your ghost walks these halls

Breathes ice onto my mirror

Comments on my choice of whole wheat toast

Cradles me like a casket

Haunts me like a song

Your ghost dances these floors

Leaves words written on my walls

Laughs when I can’t find the keys

Hums like a premonition

Hovers like a head-cold

Your ghost holds these dusty bones

With creaking steps

And silent echoes

after coming inside I was blind.

it isn’t to say that I lost my ability to see. my problem was, then, to look at objects and know their purpose or even their names. perhaps a better term for my condition would be aphesia, a lack of ability to label things that i saw. if you asked me what that flat things with legs and a backrest was, i would think and say something like ‘hotdog’, or ‘tamborine’.

so words that i say now regarding what i saw can be very dubious.

I apologize. it is not my intention to sow confusion or hatred, though perhaps it is always the result.

the air was cool. not hot, not cold. it was dry as a jell-o mold. i breathed in and smelled nothing, which is very unusual for me. I tend to be sensitive to that sort of thing.

The kelidoscope was furnished with all kinds of pies. some were shining and bleeping, others were runny and oozing their syrup. i did not dare to touch anything. being in this place is very much like being a baby. you have no way to know what things do here or even how they are called.

the next humidor opened as I approached and the picture frames that I stepped on, lit up and gave a soft, calming sound. I found a clump of comfortable looking chimpanzees there, each facing a small samovar. the samovars had more buttons and i assume these were some kind of workstations. the anemone that stood at the center flailed her tentacles , in rythem.

the sounds turned infrequently between radio stations. i could hear Nirvanna for a moment, then some generic 80′s shcmaltz. the station tuned finally to a classical piece, the brandenburg concerto. i guess the main arachnid was figuring me out, just as much as i was it. it’s only fair.

by the contract, i saw clauses in vertical allignment, each equipped with a helmet , although it was obviously not for a human legal purposes.

my aphesia was becoming stronger. i saw now a massive cyclops in front of me, filled to the brim with water. little teacups were swimming around, but I couldnt make out if they were baroque or neomodern. just too fast for me. to be honest i was starting to get the feeling that this was some Disneyish kind of thing. but I did not retreat, despite my fear of kitch.

moving further in, this time into a tunnel, i was reminded of a visit i had once to a colonial-recreation village. sewing machines roared majestically, while alfalfa sprouts hissed at my approach. clearly i was encouraged to move on, and so I did.

I found myself in the last part, as the walls throbbed moistly. the ground was shaking and I knew the time had come to leave. unfortunstely, the entrance to the chamber was now a tightly closed sphincter. i was worried, to say the least. i cried for help and the thing responded to my cries, with an “ooops...almost got another one..” which was possibly not for my benefit.

darkness enveloped my mind and i found myself on the lush savannah, with the ship and any remains to it ever being there gone. all I had left was a steamed artichoke and a full drinking gourd. hungry predators from both canid and feline sub-families were looking at me suspiciously.

fortunately, I had regained my senses and hurried to find the path home..

It’s not something I remember all the way,

Or I remember easily, 

I know there was an old wooden cross,

Planted in the sand,

And the trees crowded around it

Until the sun set,

And shown through the trembling leaves,

And casting the shadow along

The benches where we sat.

I know after our stuffy, nine-hour long car drive

That I ran across the coloring sand

In my boxy, mint green dress.

And I tugged it up just enough so the hem

Didn’t get wet,

But the waves would leave bubbles between my toes.

I know I made a candle by dipping a long string into pots,

Of colored wax.

I was so excited by the rings of color at the end,

The orange, purple and pink,

That I kept dipping until,

The base was as big as my fist.

This didn’t make the craft lady happy,

Who scolded me more than once.

But I knew I was right,

Because my candle didn’t fall apart,

Like she said it would.

I know I wanted it so badly;

An eraser purple necklace from the gift shop,

My mom caved in and got it for me.

I know that it broke,

Two days later.

I know we played mancala

Outside of a cabin full of dead animals,

Bones and branches.

It was carved into the table

And we used rocks and acorns

As pieces.

I know there was a famous ice cream store

We passed before we came to camp.

It was called Blue Moon,

With a crescent

Flashing neon onto the cars as they passed.

I remember giddily peering through the clear plastic

Onto the tubs of fanciful flavors

I could choose from.

With all the bravery and excitement I could muster,

I picked Blue Moon.

I know we sat outside,

On the sticky, faux-stone benches

Under an umbrella impossible to open.

I know we entered a sand castle contest, 

And it was my job to gather driftwood and feathers

To make our Garden of Eden look real.

I know we sang silly prayers in the big,

Stained café before we got the chance to

Eat until we were full, and sip hot cocoa,

In the middle of summer.

I know one day while I was swimming,

I pooped in my swimsuit,

And without a towel

I waddled the sandy sidewalks

And creaking bridges

To our cabin where Dad was snoring on the couch.

I remember telling him I made a mess

But nothing afterward.

I remember Grandma

Giving my favorite Kitty

In her cabin after we played with puzzles.

Later, I’ll never know how much,

My aunts, Mom and sisters were playing Bingo

With me in the café.

I won, and out of the crate of prizes,

I picked another Kitty

Just like the one Grandma gave me,

Jojo won, 

And got a Kitty with orange and yellow

Stripes.

But after the game ended,

My sister Hannah didn’t win,

And with one sister with two cats,

And one with none,

My mother made me decide

Which one to give up.

Both were black and gray

And both were practically the same,

Except, one was far cuter than the other.

A moral dilemma burgeoned in my

Seven-Year-old mind -

Do I give her the cute one?

Or the ugly one?

I’d appreciate

Kitty, the cute one more – 

I let Hannah have the ugly one.

I know I used the individual

Coffee creamers as milkshakes

For my Kitty.

They kept them in a basket next to the

Coffee machine in the café.

Where kids found silly smiles

In drinking hot cocoa in the middle of summer.

I don’t know why

We can’t go back.

The way Mom and Dad explained it

Had to go with the owner molesting someone?

Or gambling the land away?

I choose to remember the pretty things;

The daddy-long-legs, the inchworms, the woodpecker

Under the bridge.

The red, rusty spigot we fruitlessly tried to spray

Off the sand sticking to our feet.

The hot metal canoe I sat in

As my parents paddled to the picnic.

The chance to sit under that tall cross and

Write while the pastor rambled on about on.

I don’t remember anything else,

Maybe someday.

Had I asked too much?

Had I clung to the love, I never thought I

Deserved...

Does he feel the emptiness in the center of his

Heart, the kick in the gut,

The wandering reminder of what we had

I cannot look, I cannot blink, I cannot laugh

I cannot sleep

Without the haunting form circling around me

Holding me tight.

I dream of moonlight, silver fishes

And speaking to you

I imagine gnomes, fairies

And loving you one last time.