A while back we were on the phone. You were telling me about your ex girlfriend and the awful things she's done to you. You told me about how if I met her, she'd talk about music and about how she likes to dye her hair different colors and how shes a wild one. I said back "wow... it seeems we have a lot in common" and I sent you pictures of the concerts I've been to, the crazy colors I've dyed my hair, and told you about my plans to travel everywhere and to skydive. You replied back "no no no. You guys have similar interests but you are nothing like her. I love you so much and I know you'd never hurt me the way she did."
Three weeks later, I had the same title as she did.
The night before my world shattered, we were talking about how we finally got to see each other since we had seen each other last, three months ago. All we had to do is wait six more days. Six. More. Days. It was nothing, right? I mean nothing compared to the three months we already had on us, what's six more days?
Less than twenty four hours later, you told me the distance had gotten to be too much and you couldn't do it anymore.
Minutes before you were saying how excited you were to call me that much and just say how much you loved me.
Then everything had changed. My life changed. The person I thought I'd have forever was just gone, and I didn't understand. I was broken, I am broken.
Everybody just keeps telling me it's going to okay. That this pain will go away after a while and that it'll be okay and it only takes time. But how can I believe any of this is going to be better when I remember that night so well? When I remember "I love you, but..." When I remember you choking back tears as you told me I couldn't make you happy anymore?
How am I supposed to ever be okay?
I was happy, you told me you were happy, and how could it had changed that quickly? How long had you been lying to me about you loving me? When I had been pouring my heart out to you, telling you about times that I hadn't ever told anyone, were you just telling me the things you wanted me to hear?
I'm done with this, I'm done with you. You hurt me so much after I had given you so much, and I don't know how to continue. You were the light in my life, and I went through the day just knowing that whatever happened throughout the day, that I could come to you and just... be happy.
I have a hole in my heart the shape of you and nothing will be able to fix the emptiness exactly... I will forever be missing something.
Many times did we fall asleep on the phone with each other, waking up in the morning to each others breathing... as if we had been together all night. I was excited to wake up next to you in the morning. Not just your voice, not just my phone on my pillow, but you. Now none of those dreams matter. They've been shattered...
I am shattered.
As a teenager, I had one love. He made me strong and never left my side. When I went through a tough time, he was there making sure I got out of it.
Freshman year, I was starting out in a new school and he made sure I knew exactly where I was going, and that I would always have a lunch buddy.
Sophmore year, I dealt with depression. He was there to hold my hand and wipe my tears.
But Junior year...
Junior year my sister died, leaving me in pieces. I wanted to end it all. I called him with tears streaming down my face. I told him goodbye. He rushed over to my house and held me the entire night. The only thing I remember him saying is
"You're not allowed to die, okay? Promise me you won't die."
I tried to argue with him, saying I was better off dead and that nobody cared, but he was persistant on making me promise. So I did...
That was 200 years ago today...
I don't know what he did to me, but it worked. I kept my promise.
I have tried. Tried to end it. Tried to find a way out of this "spell" I'm in but I can't find a way. A way to escape life.
I've watched everyone I care about leave me. Escaping this world and leaving me on it. I don't know what to do. My heart longs for my love, but I'm stuck here on this world. Alone.
Every night I pray to God that he will help me break my promise so I can leave this world, but nothing works. I am stuck here. Forever.
The Space Between Us.
There are 77,358 square miles in the boring state of ours,
3.797 million square miles in this country of freedom,
196.9 million square miles on this sphere I shall never leave,
and 46.6 billion light years in the universe I will never travel.
But yet, there should be no space between us.
Lips on lips,
pushed into each other,
Out of the unlimited space we have in this world,
none should be between us.
The only thing that ever came out of that mouth of yours were lies. You lied so much that I couldn't even tell you when you were telling the truth. You twisted your corrupt words into food and fed them to me until I was full of lies about how you saw me or how you felt. "I love you"s thrown around like seeds, you hoping one would plant in my brain and grow into a rose telling me over and over that you loved me. But now you're gone and I can see right through you. The rose thorns stabbing my mind, making me numb when thinking about you. You hurt me.
And I'm afraid to love anymore.
My biggest fear out of a world filled to the brim in hate is to love. You broke me, trained me like the little puppy dog I am to sit and stay when I should've ran.
I am so afraid that I can't love anyone, I can't let anyone love me.
And so I hurt.
I hurt myself and the people who want to love me. This fear constantly whispering in my ear making me push anyone and everyone away who tries to help me. I built a wall around my heart out of the bricks you threw at me, but I locked everyone out and left me inside alone. My heart is empty, never to be filled again and it is because you lied.
They say lying is such a basic thing that humans will and always will do, but the amount of lies and hatred that came from your sweet lips I didn't think was humanly possible. You hurt me in ways I never thought you were capable of. Tormenting and torturing me with your words and actions and yet I still love you
And thats why my fear is love.
The only thing I can ever think about is your eyes. Every moment I'm awake I am flooded with thoughts, dreams, desires to stare into your eyes. Face to face. Eyes on each other- never wanting to look away as if when we broke eye contact, our entire bodies would shatter- taking away our hope as we fall, in shards, to the ground.
When I'm asleep- well that's a whole new story. I dream of your lips- our lips- meeting. The taste of you is addictive and I can never get enough. The only problem is forgetting to breathe and having to break away from each other- like two magnets with an attraction so high that you can barely pull them apart- to catch our breath before feeding the addiction that I cannot stop.
I constantly believe that we would be perfect together. It would be the ideal love story that we would tell our kids when they ask.
And then reality hits me.
As I'm over here dreaming about life with you, you're there. Pining for another.
Everything I ever though of, dreamt of, and longed for was fiction. It wasn't a fairy tale, you wouldn't be there to kiss me awake, or save me from evil stepsisters. I'd stay asleep for all eternity, I'd be stuck scrubbing floors forever because my prince wasn't actually my prince at all. You're in another story leading another princess on a magic carpet ride or climbing up a tower for her. I am not and never will be your princess.
I'm not your princess because I am not one at all. I am a peasent and peasents don't get their happy endings. They get nothing. I get nothing.
Because I am nothing to you.
Love is Infinite
You are born.
The love of your mother radiating off of her,
Holding you in her arms.
As the years go by, the love increases.
But the lover is different,
He steals your heart
And gives you his last name in return.
Then she is born.
Your love radiates off of you
While you hold your love.
As the years go by
She finds her own love too.
as time moves forward,
She has her own love of her own.
You can tell someone that you love them all you want and it won't mean anything. You can't just tell someone with words. You need to make those words come alive in the actions you do. Saying "I love you," then touching, wanting, or using someone elses body just proves yourself wrong. If you use those lips to confess your love but them use the same ones to suck faces with another... consider yourself a liar. The possibilities are endless, do I need to go on?
If you tell someone your love, and show them, but don't tell them everything and hide things from them, you don't love them. If you don't have the decency to let them love every piece of you, including the negitive things you think about yourself, then they should'nt love you. It sucks never knowing whats going on about a person, and just having to be okay with the things going on with them without knowing if its going to kill them or not. Secrets don't make friends, and Secrets dont make love.
If somebody tells you that they love you, you reply "I love you too." If you reply "Me too," they deserve to be able to walk out on you. You're literally saying "I love me too." And people who say that deserve to be shot in my opinion.
If you tell someone you love them just to get something from them, its not love. To use your words to get money, food sex, drugs, or physical labor, then it's not love.
To tell someone you love them, you have to mean it. You have to say it from the heart and it needs to be true. Act upon your love, be honest, be clear. Then you can be loved.
The First Day of the Rest (Or End) of My Life
The day started out normal, I woke up, got ready for school, and left for school. It was about 7:00 when I got there: I always like being there early, so that I can talk with my underclassmen friends like Quinn or Alex. I went to class, Science then English... then Social Studies. I was halfway through Social Studies when I got called down to the office. “Lynn to the office with your belongings, please.” The entire class “oooed” and said “you’re in trouble...” Was I? I’ve been in trouble once before and I didn’t want to finish my last month of middle school with another flaw on my personal record. I grabbed my bag from the locker and made myself a sticky note to email my teachers for any homework we have the rest of the day, then headed down to the office to find my mum in a chair starring at the ground. Instantly I’m worried, “Mum, what’s wrong?” I ask, but she doesn’t answer. A few minutes later Scott- my little brother comes into the office with his things too. He looks like he just woke up, I wonder if he fell asleep in class again... honestly, that boy... Mum leads us out of the school frantic, she still won’t tell is what’s wrong and she’s starting to worry me even more now.
As soon as we get in the car mum instantly starts talking “the zombie apocalypse has started, we’re going to grandpas I called JJ and Lois and there meeting us there... we’ll stop by the house, you have 30 minutes to grab whatever can fit in the Fiat. Lynn you go to the basement and get all the coolers you can find. There should be like 4, Scotty you go to the garage and get the extra gas can thats in there. After you get that pack up anything you need. Get pillows, blankets, clothes, maybe a couple things of value. Scott no toy guns- there’s no room. Pokémon is fine. Bring puppy (his stuffed dog he’s had for most of his life). Whatever will fit in a duffel bag.”
Once we’re finally home I rush downstairs to find the coolers when I remembered Oreo, my bunny. I knew I couldn’t take her with us, that’d be too much work and she may be safe here, so I grab the giant bag of food I have for her and dumped it into her playpen. I grabbed every cooler I could find (mum was right there’s only 4) and rush upstairs to bring these to mum. I fill up a few cake pans full of water and bring them downstairs to Oreo, if I can’t bring her I want every chance of her survival possible. I remind myself to take the drain off of the house before we leave then maybe if it rains the rain will get in the basement and she’ll have some more water if she needs. Again, I rush upstairs, plug the bathtub and turn it on, this way the cats will have some water too. I even leave the toilet up so if they need... Thank God mum just bought some more cat food, I left it all out for them praying to the Lord they won’t binge eat it. Some people say animals can sense when things are wrong, I hope my pets will understand this. I take a giant bowl of cat food and another of water and put it in my hedgehog cage. Clover is the one I worry about, but am sure she’ll be fine for a while. She doesn’t eat much because she’s so small. The only problem I’ll have with her when- if- we come home is the smell.
Now that I have all the animals taken care of I sprint upstairs and pack. I have three blankets, jeans, shirts, jackets, shorts, anything for any kind of weather. Even though it’s getting pretty hot out I put on jeans, they could save me from a scratch from the... infected... I grab a few books, my softball stuff (only my bat, gloves, ball, and mask- I figured if I needed they’d come in handy), the picture frame that has a picture of Lauryn and I- she’s my best friend, and I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do without her. I pack my stuffed whales that Cam won me at the School Carnival, Cam... my other half, I might miss him more than Lauryn, he’s been there for me when ever I need him. With those items, I grab a few more, some toiletries, some special things to me. I even bring my phone charger and headphones, I don’t know what electricity will be like, but there’s a chance it’ll be alright. But I’m definitely going over my data limit this month...
The ride up to grandpas was quite. We only made two stops. Mum drove past the bank but there were guards standing at the entrance. I heard them say something but I’m kind of out of it so it’s just mumbling. We stop at Casey’s and mum fills up the gas tanks. I want to go inside and see if I can get more food for the family, maybe some sweets to take their mind off what’s happening, but I can’t seem to find the strength to move. Its like I’m just in this haze. Mum pays for the gas and we leave again.
While mum was outside getting gas JJ called. I couldn’t picked it up but I was too afraid of what needed to be said on the other side of the phone. But when mum listened to the voicemail and tried to call him but got no answer, I began to regret not picking up the phone. She called Lois and told her not to stop unless she needed to... I knew then it wasn’t a hoax. I began to pray.
I hadn’t stopped praying ten or so minutes later when I heard a child crying. I looked up and saw a little blonde haired girl literally running for her life and without any thought of the risk I yelled “Mum, they’re chasing the baby!” She runs the “creatures” over jumps out of the car and rushes over to the child. Next thing I know I have a crying four year old on my lap. I attempt to calm her but mum is freaking out asking her “did they touch you?” She shakily replied “No. once I heard mommy scream I hid under the bed.” And continues crying in my arm. I let her cry, I burry my head in her shoulder and let myself cry too. What if those things were her parents? What if they ate her parents? This little child is now an orphan because of this outbreak. And then I start to think “what about Quinn, Lauryn, Cam, and all my other friends? Will I ever see them again? Will they survive this? Oh Lord please help us...” The world will never be the same now and this is my life.
I zone out everything I can, the radio, the people- the little blonde toddler (who I later found out her name was Emerson) was asleep on my shoulder, clutching me tight like she had ever since mum threw her on my lap. I focused on the trees, and before I knew it we were at Grandpas.
We unloaded everything into root cellar- mum felt like it was safer in here than the house. Once we got everything in the cellar, we ate sandwiches with the bread and meat my mum packed. The girl still clung to me. I tried to get her to to eat, and she ate a bit but not much. JJ makes us all agree that if we become infected we’ll kill each other before we become one of them- if this is how the worlds going to be from now on, I want them to just kill me now. I dont that aloud though, it’d break everyone’s heart to hear me say that.
Tonight we will sleep in shifts. I don’t understand how anyone could sleep after today. I try to sleep but I can’t, so I pull out my phone and I know this wont work but I’m going to try. I pull up iMessages and open Cam’s and I private text, and I write out how I actually feel about him. I tell him what I need to tell him, I promise him I’ll see him again one way or another. I tell him I love him and I press send, I hope it gets to him but who knows. I lay my head down in my pillow to muffle my cries as I try to sleep.
I wish you knew exactly what I meant when I said "cool." I really mean "I really don't care, at all. If you don't shut the heck up I will kill you, cut you into pieces, and feed you to my Kitten."
I don't want to hear your entire life story, or how your "boyfriend" is doing. How did you even get a boyfriend? I've been around you for three days and I already want to blow my brains out. Can you please just stop talking for two minutes? I'd like for there to be enough oxygen in this room for me too.
I thought I knew the most annoying person in the world then I met you. I totally underestimated how annoying people could actually be.
So next time I say "cool" to you, use it as a cue to stop talking. I don't want to know how mean people are to you at school (I wonder why) or how you've already planned out you're wedding with your imaginary boyfriend. I am one more injured spine story away from jumping across this table and beating you senseless.
It's not just me either, didn't you notice how anytime you stared talking the six of us would smile, annoyed? How we would start talking in the middle of your story just so we could stop hearing your horrendous voice? How none of us wanted to walk down to the cabin with you because we knew it'd be a few more minutes of you're useless talking? That wasn't a coincidence, we didn't just remember a question we needed to ask when you were talking, we made them up. We turned the music up louder. We yelled "THE FLOOR IS LAVA!" We even locked you out of the cabin for like five minutes, hiding under the beds, enjoying the quote for a few minutes. You never took a hint.
I wish you knew exactly what I meant when I said "cool." It'd save two souls...