Someone once said, “words mean more at night”

And I agree.

When all is dark,

Or when you‘re alone,

Reading into every word, syllable, letter as if it holds your fate,

Down in a spiral of your own creation,

Suffering at their effect, words—

They can be your demise, or they can be your deliverance.

It was a title that I hated when first bestowed on me;

I found it silly and more than a little patronizing.

But now that you’ve given it away to somone else, now that it’s hers,

Without—I pray—the weight it had when it belonged to me,

I realize just how much it meant when it was mine.

I would never.

I would never tell you how you make me feel like an old favorite book, cast aside after the first chapter could not longer hold your interest.

I could never come between you and the company you enjoy so much now.

I should never have expected you to stay stagnant and our friendship to last forever.

I can‘t ever keep up with you,

so I have decided to stop running altogether.

I ended it.

I did.

He didn’t appreciate Me, My mind, the time I gave, the money I spent.

He made Me feel alone even though I was with Him for so long.

I felt secondary to His interests.

but—

perhaps it was Me who was at fault for those feelings.

I wasn’t content with the hours He gave some days.

the console He provided never cheered Me up for long.

what I demanded? I knew that He didn’t want to or couldn’t deliver.

I was the selfish one..

I made Him angry, I made Him cry much more than He made Me.

I pushed Him away then because He had a sensitivity I didn’t think I could handle.

and even now, the longing I possess to have Him back is not all together pure.

so maybe it wasn’t so much Him, but more Me.

one

two

three

four— my favorite number

it’s strong like the four walls of a house

or the four legs of a table

it’s beautiful like the four petals of a hydrangea

or the four girls i was able to call my friends

it’s not like three— negligent and lonely

it’s not like five— overbearing and suffocating

four is modest and comforting

four is stable

it’s what i hope to be

strong.

beautiful.

stable.

There are many things

I am expected to know,

I should know,

I want to know.

There are many things

I am expected to do,

I should do,

I want to do.

Despite these expectations, obligations, and desires— I don’t.