POV: You find out you have a heart issue immediately after purchasing a piece of scarlet ibis artwork to go along with the short story you plan to teach your gifted child. And you convey this to your best friend through the following message:
”The scarlet ibis art brings all the irony to the yard. Am I right?”
The dark humor was not appreciated under the circumstance. Me. I laughed soooo hard.
Everything runs together. Thoughts. They interject, interrupt, intercede, intersect. I begin intricately laid out mind designs…midstream…and twenty steps ahead. This steam engine barrels down the track. Carefree of obstacles or pedestrians. Caution was thrown to the wind the instant my feet hit the floor. Mind numbing quantities of all consuming thoughts crush against my skull on the inside. Rabbit holes hang on the end of every word. Post-its. Lists. To do’s. Jumbled. Out of order. Out of context. Out of time. Anxiety rises up and takes a seat on my chest. Absolved of duty to distract. Adderall silences my mind.
Have kids they said.
It’ll be fun they said.
Tell me why I just had to vacuum out my washer due to the ungodly amount of shrubbery that just shed off a blanket.
How did that happen you ask?
Welllll. Both children decided to put on a play outside in which gymnastics and a primitive staff were created. Gravel Dust was sprinkled throughout the yard and was identified as “sand”.
This was compounded by the slime that I found had been delicately wrapped in toilet paper and washed off.
8. And. 10.
send. Help.
I’m not sure you can miss something to vital to your existence, when you never knew you needed it in the first place. Until it became ingrained in every fiber of your being to emote and share, evaluate and establish every thought and boundary.
I wrote when I was younger to get closer to another human, in the private space of journal lines through song lyrics I created from dictionary pages. This wasn’t me.
I wrote to understand this same human years later. Who bounced in and out of my life. In a manner that was abrasive and destructive. And I allowed it. Because I foolishly sought what I understood his love to be. This. Is no longer me.
I write my happy now. But I do so with caution. I do not want to incite the other foot to drop on a human who is a partner. They care to understand and they understand in order to care.
It‘s amazing what you will do for a sliver of affection when you do not fully embrace yourself and all you truly deserve.
I now match energy. I don’t have to beg for attention. And I’m not too much. I am me. I am enough. And that is valued. I had to recognize that value first however. I also had to learn what a boundary was. So that I could set them. And adhere to them. It’s weird when you have to google something that would have saved you so long ago.
It‘s a game changer to sit back and look at how much I did for people who didn’t deserve it, simply because I was so desparate for perceived love or consistent companionship. You will never find fate hidden amongst poor life choices that fail to reflect your ideals. And above all. Do not settle.