The first night, enamoured in ecstasy.

And every night after.

My darling, hold me tight, give me everything.

I was high and alive with every spark.

I chased this love, his drug.

I crave his weight. The power of him.

Electric even now.

His strength in me, side to side my lover.

Embraced as one we pray.

My heart beating out of his chest.

“My darling,”

“My lioness.”

I’m wrapped in his touch.

I laughed and loved and lost my breath.

This god consumed me.

Now, I think of his strength, and meet him secretly, in another life.

His kiss owns me still.

I still swim in his ocean eyes.

I still want all of him tonight.

“Come, hold my hand my darling”

His kiss still on my neck, an invisible linger.

All his uncontrollable love still defines me.

I knew before I knew.

He smashed my heart with contempt.

I sensed his betrayal in our bruised bed.

My obsession grew, why wasn’t I enough?

My humiliation an infectious wound.

My golden god now just a demon of needles.

While my Angel frozen Still.

My love,

How thankful I am.

It gets better, it just does.

You meet him and he teaches you to heal.

He teaches you that, regardless of what she has done, you are beautifully kind.

He rubbishes the critic she put in there.

He shows you the worth you did not see.

He demonstrates that we are in control of our own behaviour, and you are not accountable for hers.

He shows you what you can achieve and let’s you soar. And he does it with truthful pride. He shows you that you deserve more for yourself.

He loves you with all his heart and doesn’t let her smother your light. He teaches you how to stand up for yourself.

You are no damsel and he is no hero. He will show you how resilient you really are, you just can’t see for the trees.

So keep dancing. He won’t be long.

For once you fall in love with him, you fall in love with yourself.

I danced with false golden gods in vacant places. I was intoxicated, yet alive with pain.

Chasing a drug. Chasing a love.

I kissed muddy souls who supposed me worthless. Confirming my self hatred. Authorising the doubt she taught me.

They took my body and filled it with emptiness. Disappointment overwhelmed at first, leaving my hollow second hand body each time.

I danced emotionless and alone in a hopeless place. The noise deafening my starving soul.

I was nine years and numb to it all. I died before him.

I roam alone, until it begins again

I pace secluded, amongst my barren thoughts

I wander tender empty walls

I feel nothing.

I yearn for it all to become too much

She pulls me away from the light

Into the darkness, I beg for compassion.

I cut my ties, and dissolve these cords

And she weighs me down, malevolent.

I beg for it to stop.

For a break in the chain

I am weary with empathy.

But now I am free.

The most beautiful moment.

Tears.

Like oceans overflowing barricades.

The flood.

I Drown for your breath.

I blow your face,

perfectly still.

Serene, tragic.

Tiny, fulfilling.

Why did this happen?

The tears keep coming.

Even now,

hidden in a painful box, my mind, pandora guards.

I remember the first embrace.

I arrived, late.

You were thrown to me

before I could catch my breath.

before I could compose.

before I could gather. be strong.

Floods came. They still do.

Here you were.

Yet were not.

Why.

I blow.

It doesn’t come.

I prayed and I blew and still you were.

Surrounded.

Tragedy. Beauty. Nightmares.

Here you were.

We are lucky I suppose.

We treasure those days, in the depths of our chambers, they are ours.

Precious. Untouched by the demons.

No one can tarnish.

I took you and bathed you

as the tears engulfed my soul

slowly and quickly

drowning a piece of me.

Of our family.  

Pain touching

my every capillary.

Still I blew.

You broke me.

You connected me.

You taught me.

Real love.

Real meaning.

Still.

As I attempt to heal these colours

The toxic smoke smothers my cells.

I am breathless.

As I carve independence from old bark

The poisoned maternal started the fire.

Cigarettes and bitterness.

How manipulative.  

But please, extinguish.

I now leave this life in another.

No longer a burning soul.

I am deserving.

I was never awake.

Not until now.

You carried me here.

Switched on.

Alive.

You gave me shape.

You forced my trust.

You listened to my voice.

You heard my silence.

My growth is your smile.

Replenishing my veins with joy.

You opened my heart.

My aura high with your blood.

Rooted. These bones are blessed by you.