I can see

How easy

It would be

Silently tumblin

Cryin n mumblin

Crawlin stumblin

One more night

Keep the fight

Don't lose sight

From the start I catered for your every whim,

Stroked your hair while you dreamt of him.

Every night I stared at your face as you slept,

Laid your head on my chest as I silently wept.

All my ambitions in life revolved around you,

Plans laid out, heart laid bare for a fantasy only you knew.

Yesterday you showed me a little blue line,

For twenty-four hours I was on cloud nine.

A fresh start, new hope and a baby boy or a girl,

New love and a future for our family to unfurl.

Today after work I came home to an empty house,

Flowers and a ring to seek your hand as my spouse.

My heart sank as I staggered from room to room,

The building I called home had become my tomb.

A note on the table sealed my fate with a kiss,

Our past, present and future thrown to the abyss.

The life we shared, the life you grow, all a lie,

Both belong to another and the letter was your goodbye.

All the times I kept quiet and kept him out of mind and out of sight,

Now I'm alone and out of my mind because I didn't put up a fight.

You always said I was too weak and should grow a set of balls,

I always wished you'd see the times I picked myself up after all of my falls.

If you read my words know that I wish you and baby well,

I'm already dead, it's time for me to leave this broken shell.

Is it really worth all of this bother

Another day putting one foot in front of the other

Twenty-four hours filled with trouble and strife

Minutes pass by while battles are rife

So much worry and pain behind every closed door

Following the sun comes another downpour

On the horizon and spreading over the land

A fresh hope is spreading, escape is at hand

Some forget to look back on their flight to the top

Wings to be clipped by sons that won't stop

What they fail to see, their one major flaw

Evil feeds upon evil, hearts and minds that won't thaw.

The masses are stirring and no longer fooled

Their days are numbered we will no longer be ruled

Forgotten in scheming, they can't help but miss

The power of the people is centred in this:

In a world full of lies one thing still holds true

Till the day that I die, I will always love you

I haven't seen my counsellor for 8 weeks.. they think I'm going through grief..

I'm not well. Me. An individual.

My wife's condition was the last straw, but this has been at least 20 years in the making..

A lifetime of being an only child of a broken marriage. Trying to please everybody and always coming up short.

So many decisions and experiences have went into the making of my brain's current state.

A dependency and love that overrides all logical thought and detaches the ego.

I'm mad.

One bad day in a bad week at the end of a bad year,

Sat alone in an empty flat with an empty bottle of beer

Looking back it seemed like there would never be an end

No respite nor hope when the bottle was my only friend

A memory of escape via a bath with a door

Blood mixed with water as it spilled to the floor

Moving on I see colour seeping through the black

Love found and a life that got back on track

Growing old with children laughing and calling me dad

Forgetting that times were ever that bad

Seeing all the lives I improved and the people I touched

All the friends and family that loved me so much

But colours fade and I'm back in the bath with little blood left

I'll never feel the love in my future because on a bad day I chose death

I feel the shivers then the shakes

I'm convinced others hear the sound my heart makes

Fighting the urge to get up and run

Instead of doing what I know needs to be done

I've found a corner where I can hide

I might not succeed but I'll know that I tried

Each casual hello is an effort of will

They must be endured if I'm to pick up my pills

Every second feels like minutes and a minute an hour

What is a man when he has no power?

My body's Weary,

My eyes have gone bleary,

Tired to the bone.

My end arrives nearly,

And so I see clearly,

Past sins to atone.

Forgive me my children my mother my wife,

I can't take much more of this horrible life,

I'd rather go now than face life alone.

Don't think of me badly,

Live on with love not sadly,

Let me do this last deed on my own.

(Pic from t'interweb)

I'm lying in a Premier Inn at Cardiff watching Rampage Jackson fight at Bellator, while my son sleeps sound in the bed next to me.

We've just drove for 9 hours to have our first cuddle with our new Pom Pup, Buster. Two years after we lost Eva we agreed it was time to bring another dog into our family of five plus four cats.

All ideal and faux middle class..

Except I've never been closer to insanity and my wife has never been closer to death. Every little and big thing we do is in the knowledge that it could be the last important shared memory in memorandum.

When my wife was pregnant with our third kid five years ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer.

She had to make a choice to delay her treatment or to induce our boy asap.

In the end she choose to delay her treatment until he had the best chance in the world. When it was over and after weeks visiting her and our son, then when she got out, we visited our son together in his little tank. I remember feeling helpless when there and when I left feeling angry and scared and angry at having to leave my boy behind and guilty that our boy would come home when the other babies and parents in the unit would not experience that.

Anyhow... there's so much more to say but Rampage is about to start..

I've called this '1C' because when my wife was diagnosed the first time I turned to writing and joined a group to vent. My first blog there was called '1A'.. I've posted '1B' earlier tonight and hopefully I can stay sane again by venting here.

The cancer has return, this time in the spine and is incurable. I've woke up every day since diagnosed 6 months ago, with severe anxiety. As the day goes on that intensifies to terror until I finally fall asleep listening to the umpenth podcast to keep The Voice from torturing me. All the while cuddling into Mrs as close as I can and breathing her in.

We've been to a point where I was pushing her in a wheelchair. But now she is up and walking and almost back to her cheeky precious self. But I live in fear and despise the fact that my fear of tomorrow means I can't enjoy today.