I choose to love you in silence,
For silence will shield me from rejection.
i choose to love you from a distance,
For distance will protect from me from pain
I choose to feel you in the wind,
For the wind is gentle on my skin than my heart feeling the warmth of your own
I choose to look away from eye contact,
For the fear you will see the war that goes deep into my eyes
I choose to not let love in whole heartedly, for the fear of being in capable and left behind
I choose to be on my own, to experience what it’s like to step into my soul
For now, I choose to love you in silence
How is it possible to feel everything and nothing simultaneously? How can one keep head above water when the current is unstable with riptides? How can nature show natural disasters, thunderstorms and suddenly feel calm within the chaos? And how can someone love the different seasons that nature brings when the absolute worst is shown?
Because when I look at nature…I find it natural and somewhat beautiful with every season, but when I look at myself…I find it not quite like nature. These are the questions that linger in the midst of a season.
When grief returns, it returns in vengeance... a chest tightening, eyes burning, a stomach pit feeling to empty, a nauseated heartache pain & yet a hint of nothingness in the same breath. A feeling you don’t forget, like the incense of a smell. When it comes back, it almost feels like it intensifies like a cloth to a flame.
She broke free from her burdens
no judgment of self
A shift in perspective.
Pain has a purpose. A stepping stone to hope.
A journey that is so hard pressed and complex, but so simple and rewarding
Always searching for a place to belong to, only to find she belongs within herself.
A group of strangers became United into one in her peace journey
A tribe vibe. An energy that could never be explained but only felt in the presence of humbleness and light.
No longer in fear, but only the fear of beginning to something out of her own level
The worry of acceptance…
except the right people hear you. Know you. Feel you without no explanation followed.
How exciting can this journey be. How scary could it be. How wild and free.
To not to think what’s next, but what is now.
To seek understanding in the higher power to lead me where I’m needed. To accept the love that is given from the same people on this journey. To understand no one really is alone. All paths are different, but if one meets in the same journey: may it be shared in love.
The lost lamb.…
”The shepherd leaves the 99 others and searches high and low for the lost sheep”
Feeling like the lost lamb. The black sheep. The a strayed human left behind, or more like ran away…
Painted a picture to be alone
A piece of myself lost
How easy it would be to not be that burden
It left me high and dry
stubborn and hardheaded
unable to be loved without being open to love and help
Bad habits and unhealthy ways to cope
How hard it is to believe that you are worthy of that of love… and how embarrassing it is to feel so low.. to have ran so far off in your own way of dealing… the version of your own rock bottom
But… God believed the lost lamb was worthy... the one who ran away from His love. The one who has sinned. The one who has forgotten about His love and only in the hard times realizes I am lost without it. How beautiful and overwhelming can that be. That the one lost lamb was found and not forgotten…
When life gives you a reason to be quiet, it’s starts to get deafening.
When you lived in choas, the quiet feels different. It’s hard to get in the mindset to simply be still.
Thoughts rummage in your brain, dark ones and hopeful ones…
Each one does not outweigh the other.
To feel like you’re wasting time by being still…but yet, it’s what you need… because the busy sustained the pain.
To feel like you can’t breathe some days. To be completely lost within yourself, that you are unsure what this life has in store or what can unfold... that you’ve lost sight of who you are and what your existence is.…
Then to have a mustard seed of hope and motivation to get you moving… because life doesn‘t stop.. time still passes and you still get older..
To stare at 4 walls? or to get moving and make something happen?
To get discouraged? Or to learn to be ok in this season of waiting?
To stay behind because of fear and doubts?
Or to drive to that new destination my soul is craving to be?
Maybe having lots of moments in the silence won‘t always be dark right?… Maybe this moment of silence could be a moment of guidance.…
To be fluent in silence
Can mean so many things…
It can be awkward, rise in tension, anger…
It can be a loss of words, because no sentence can describe a feeling, or a thought..just indescribable pain.
To be fluent in sitting with someone in silence to know he or she is not alone.
It can be stillness of the mind. Listening to the outside noises and breathe in what it has to offer. As if the forest is the best secret keeper.. To feel seen in nature.
And it can be faith…
”Be still and know that I am God” surrender.…
As He has control over it all.. Be still my heart and know that I am with you.
Sometimes silence has more to offer than noise.
I grieve who you would have been
I grieve who I would have been with you by my side
I grieve the things that could never have been
and I grieve all the things that could have if you were here with me now.
I grieve the memories that faded into the background
I grieve the future…. the car rides, random trips. Moments of having you around that seem more significant
I grieve the conversations we would have now that I’m older
I grieve all the things my 23 year old self never did back then.
Im grieving for lost time that will never be repaired.
Im grieving for the lost future that will never be there
I’m grieving for the daydream scenarios of what life will be like now
and I’m grieving of letting go of what will never be.
To grow older
and the memories will grow less with you gone.
Sunlight peeks through the dark curtains. Awakening the room; the night has already passed. The darkness that lies within shine with little balls of light.
The fresh brewed coffee waiting on the counter.
Stepping outside to hear the birds sing. Signs of life.
Using this time to not over analyze the thoughts that rummage around of a to do list. To not fear of the future. To not crawl back in bed to sleep away the dark depression. To not reflect on what happened in the past. To just be in this present moment of what is.
Enjoy the simple little things a Sunday has to offer. Thinking…. Every darkness comes in waves of light. “All lights turned off, can be turned on”
Every thought feeds a feeling. A feeling that can overcome your whole being if you let it.
Every action feeds a habit. Every habit feeds a pattern… and the choices reflect your path on choosing which way you want to handle the darkness that lies within…in one day, in one hour, in one breath.
To let it control you and swallow you whole to the point of feeling non existent….
Or… to release it for one moment and return back to yourself.
There is something missing
The love Or the will to want to live until I’m old and grey, life in general
There is no pulse
It’s completely morbid.
My soul aches for something to set it on fire.
There is something missing and I Don’t know how to find it, or where, but I’m destined to try