I know what you wanna hear...I'm sorry...oh wait but I'm not. I will apologize for absolutely nothing. Everything I have written and felt is valid! There's no way that I'm apologizing. This could have all been avoided if either of you would have just talked to me.

Yeah...but I'm the one that hates confrontation, sure.

It doesn't matter. What's the fucking point? In a few weeks my seat at our game night table will be filled by someone else. I'm not needed.

If it hurts your pride that much that you can't be the one to apologize for once, fuck it!

Like i said none of this will matter in a few weeks. You'll be gone...both of you will be gone cause you'll be living together! Funny how all this lined up. Almost like it was planned.

You know all I wanted was a bit of closure. You know just something to make me feel better from either of you but fuck it. You'll both be gone and it won't matter. Who cares about the girl who lost her boyfriend and best friend around the same time? No one and the really fucked up part, I knew you wouldn't apologize. I knew it was going to be me and I was so ready to. Because I thought I needed you and your friendship and the "group" but do I?

Do I need to apologize and push everything under the rug?

Do I need to show up, smile and pretend like everything's fine?

For who's sake

Mine

Yours

Hers

No and to be honest I don't give a fuck about your sake. Nothing is going to be okay, both of you made sure of that. And again even I did start talking to you...what's the fucking point when your leaving? You're going to move in with him and I'll never hear from either of you again.

So yet again I'll be alone and I'll fucking deal with it like I did before...well hopefully a little better than how I handled it before. I really don't want to stay in my house for to years barely seeing anyone. Good thing I don't have that option and I have class to get me out of bed.

You know...it takes two people to make friendships and relationships

and it takes two to break them

I should not be the only one to apologize. This was not my choice.

So I'm done.

I mean isn't there some girl code rule that says

Thou Shall Not Move In With Your Best Friends (very) Recent Ex?

Or simply put... Thou Shall Not Be A Cunt!

The problem with giving someone the key to your brain is that they can access it even after they've ended things

I know it's not a "break"

I know it's done for you

If you wanted to be with me

in the future

you wouldn't have said

for me to try again with someone else

To me that's something you say when you didn't really mean when you said I love you

or made plans with someone

You would have realized that this was something you didn't want to lose

and the thought of me being with someone else

would you as sick as it makes me feel

right now

You can tell me it's not my fault

until your very last breath

and I still won't believe you

The rationale part of my brain

has clicked off

And now all the things I've been telling myself for years are coming back to chew the inside of my brain

There's something wrong with me

I can't be happy

Won't be happy

because of something I couldn't control

Because of a decision that wasn't mine

I'll never be able to be with someone

I'll never be better

and trying is just

fucking pointless

And you couldn't even wait

till we could sit down and talk this out

like adults

That really fucking hurts

because I wasted so much time

coming up with words

to show you what you mean to

me

I wrote them down

like an idiot

Showed them to you

like an even bigger idiot

You probably won't read this

But if you do

just know that...I'm sorry

I wasn't going to give up

I would have stayed and helped you figure things out

Because you meant that much too me

but I guess I didn't mean that much to you

the cycle continues and the timeline repeats

We pass by a row of houses and in one of those tiny boxes once lived a little girl that didn't know what the words depression and anxiety meant but now its all she knows

writes, thinks and feels.

The first person to break her heart did so over and over as she waited by the window for him to pick her up and carry her away on his shoulders, so high she felt like she could reach the stars and that's why she waited by the window for years and years.

I think she's still waiting

Scars are souvenirs

But not the kind you put on a pedestal for everyone to see

We hid them under long sleeves shirts and under make up

They stay hidden until someone discovers them

We make up excuses for them

We're not proud of them

But they are a part of us

I did something really stupid. I gave someone a part of me that I never should have shared. I gave him access to my thoughts, my most private thoughts. He touched me, but reading my most intimate thoughts and giving you the option to do that... fucked me

And I let him. And now he probably still uses that to check up on me.

Well guess what mother fucker, you can't find me here and here is where I will write about you from now.

He broke me, broke every thing I hid for years and years because they were the ugly parts of me that I didn't want to look at, let alone let him see.

The first day, was tough. I knew I was going to cry. I could feel it all day and I just wanted to wait till I got home but I couldn't

The tears came and they wouldn't stop. I forgot how to breathe. I didn't think I would stop, but I did.

Day two, that's today. I got myself out of bed, put on real pants and managed to talk to people. I laughed today. I was still sad but I thought to myself, today you're not going to cry. You're going to remember how to breathe. And I did, for a while.

In comes my best friend who I haven't been on great terms with because she betrayed my trust. She ran to my... ex boyfriend asking what was wrong when she could have just listened to me. But this was the day we make ammends the only way we know how, go eat, go shop and ignore everything else.

She surprised me, let me talk about him and didn't make me feel stupid. I told her everything and even though I didn't get much back it still felt good because she's my friend after all.

"Maybe two people with severe anxiety shouldn't be together." she said

I said yeah but I'm working on getting better and so was he, that's why he wanted to break up, to work on himself...right?

She told me he felt like an asshole...good because he is and that was a fucked up thing to do.

My best friend listened to me talk about everything...

And then told she was moving in with him because she needs a roomate and he wants out of his house....

They talked about this a while ago when we were dating and when you said it would be a good thing because we could see each other more too.

So let me recap this...

My boyfriend dumps me OVER FACEBOOK MESSENGER on Sunday night...techinally Monday...Tuesday...not even a day after...today...My BEST FRIEND! tells me she's moving in with my ex in 4 to 5 months. Not even that but she tells me this by just blurting it out after we spent almost the entire day together...WHAT THE FUCK!

Then when I say you know I'm willing to wait for him till he's ready to be in relationship if that is even an option she says

"If I were you I wouldn't wait."

Alright bitch! Do you know something I don't!??!?

Then she mentions the "hot" neighbor and says

"Hey, there you go you have options."

Are you fucking kidding me?!?!

After I sat there today and told you everything about how I felt and how this break up wasn't my idea and you tell me I should go be with the hot neighbor??

She knows me. She knows how long it took for me to get comfortable with my ...ex boyfriend. I'm extrememly fucked up. I'm 26. This is my first real relationship because a "friend" decided to touch me without my consent and it really fucked me up.

I haven't been in a relationship for years and here my best friend is telling me to go bone the hot neighbor.

It gets better, my...ex boyfriend told me

"If something better comes along you should go for it."

So now my best friend and my *sigh* ex boyfriend are telling me I should pretty much move on...and they are going to be living together....and she was going to get a job at is his work...

Those are some pretty big indicators something fishy is going on

Or even if they aren't right now...she hasn't had sex in a while... I know for a fucking fact he's horny as hell...sooo you do the math!

I can't...

I'm sorry but I can't handle all of this at once...

I don't want to talk to her or be around her

I sure as fuck don't want to see him or talk to him

I unfriended him, blocked him because you know what...you want to know how I am? Then fucking ask me. Come down here and talk to me like a fucking adult!

I don't know how much more I can take.

I lost the one person I felt comfortable with in my own skin because he told me it was beautiful and he kissed all the places I hated about myself and god damn it...

Why did I do this to myself?

I should have never let someone get this close to me...trust me I won't ever do it again.

And hey...you were right all those times you said I deserved better and that you were going to ruin my life

Congrats!

#wtf #friends #exboyfriends #seriously #i'mgoingtobreak

i keep breaking apart

And people keep trying to put me back

together

I want them to

No...wait

No, I don't

They don't know how the jagged pieces fit together

Someone is going to end up getting cut

And I don't want that

But if it happens

It should be me

Not you

Not him

or her

Me

But it's been so long

I can't remember where the pieces go

I can't remember the last time I saw them all together

Maybe they were never to begin with

But that's not going to stop me from trying

I'm an expert in putting myself back together

#poem #poetry #freeverse #broken #glue #sad #depressed #writing #thoughts #feelings

The tears I cry

come in many different colors

because I cry for many different reasons

When I'm with my friends

howling with laughter

they are bright

a neon green or yellow

I want them to be seen

When I cry because someone

makes me mad

they are dark

they are the color of the sky

as a thunder storm rolls in

When I cry because I'm sad

because my heart is broken

because you gave up on me

they are red

because they hurt

and I can't hide them

I cry for many different reasons

but in the end

I feel better once the tears have come out

#poem #free verse #sad #tears #heartbroken #cry #happy #cry #friends #relationships