4/10/2024
Today I’m supposed to start working on my self assessment at work. I’ve been really screwing up for the past year so I really don’t know what to write. Maybe “with all the shit I’ve been dealing with in my life, it’s a miracle I can get out of bed in the morning. I’d have offed myself a long time ago if I’d known this was what my life was gonna be. So my self assessment is this: it’s a miracle I’m still alive and breathing. Anything else is above and beyond.”
I feel like writing about how I make a great salary but can’t afford rent or utilities because my estranged wife who told me two and a half years ago she was gay and wanted a divorce has refused to sign the papers because she’s getting a free ride from me. I’m paying for two houses, two sets of utilities, four kids, and her. I feel like writing about how I have four young kids ages 4-10 who are struggling and having behavior problems and depression issues because of their fucked up, fractured home lives. I feel like writing about how my mom is failing mentally and can’t remember to take a shower or brush her teeth or do all the things we take for granted and how my brother moved her closer to him so it wouldn’t be as big a burden on me but I’m missing her and constantly worrying about her and I don’t even have her phone number or address. I feel like writing about how my dad died four years ago but I never grieved him because my life since then has been catastrophe after catastrophe. I feel like writing about how my soul mate who I had a short fling with is with another man now and it’s killing me emotionally and intellectually along with everything else. I feel like writing about how hard it is to work when my mind is fixed on her and my heart and soul are aching and dying. I feel like writing about how I no longer have a person, a helper, someone I can turn to. I’m drowning and I have no life preserver, nothing to reach out for. No hope.
I feel like writing about how amidst all of this, I haven’t been evicted, my electricity is still on, my kids are being fed and have a roof over their heads and the structure and discipline I’m implementing are improving their behavior. I feel like writing about how rather than sitting around moping, I’m playing music at clubs and bars, I’m facilitating a bimonthly writing workshop and a poetry/spoken word open mic. I feel like writing about how I’m constantly getting out socially and meeting new people. I feel like writing about how I’m taking karate classes, working out, and running through all my pain and sorrow. I feel like writing about how I’m in the best physical shape I’ve been in my whole life. Though there are still nights I spend alone missing my kids, missing the woman I love, smoking weed and trying to watch movies to keep myself from staring into a bottle of pills.
But somehow amidst all of this, I’m alive, living life even, and trying my damned hardest to move forward somehow.
Today I’m supposed to start working on my self assessment at work. And I feel like writing all of this. But I have to stick to work stuff. Accomplishments and whatnot. And I’ve been barely holding it together, sometimes not holding it together at all. I haven’t accomplished much of anything at work. So even though I’ve done so much, and just turning on a computer and typing a sentence is a miracle for me right now, I’m afraid all I am is a blank page.
Listen to author Ridley Pearson 3/17/24 at 4 p.m.
Nationally syndicated radio show host Patzi Gil launches "Joy on Paper Live!" by interviewing best-selling author Ridley Pearson today (3/17/24) at 4 p.m.
LINK:
https://youtube.com/@joyonpaperlive
CLEARWATER, FLORIDA -- Nine years ago Patzi Gil launched a radio show called “Joy on Paper” (https://radio-joyonpaper.com) that went on to become a nationally syndicated program. Now she’s adding a new program on YouTube.
The goal of both: Promote authors and inspire readers.
“I launched the radio program on March 17, 2015 — St. Patrick’s Day,” Patzi said.
Patzi’s program can be heard in the Tampa Bay area Tuesdays and Thursdays at 11 a.m.” (Eastern Time) on WTAN 1340-AM and 106.1-FM, which is part of the Tan Talk Radio Network, http://www.tantalk1340.com.
The new YouTube program starts St. Patrick's Day, Sunday, March 17. It’s called “Joy on Paper LIVE!” (https://www.youtube.com/@joyonpaperlive) and builds on the success of the radio show.
Among her first guests will be Ridley Pearson, who has penned more than 60 novels, including two New York Times #1 best-sellers. His works for younger readers include “Kingdom Keepers” for Disney Books, a series following a group of friends as they try to save the Disney theme park from villains.
Pearson plays in a band with fellow authors Stephen King, Dave Barry, Amy Tan, and Scott Turow.
“I have spoken to more than 250 New York Times best-selling authors, and I’m very proud that many debut authors and Indie authors have joined me to celebrate the release of their books,” Patzi said.
Here’s what Mary Glickman had to say about Patzi and her program. Glickman is the author of “By the Rivers of Babylon” and a National Jewish Book Awards Finalist in Fiction with “One More River.”
"Joy on Paper is a beacon of light in the wilderness for authors,” Glickman said. “Patzi's passion for books and her incisive insights into them runs deep, making ‘Joy on Paper’ one of the most entertaining hours on radio. There's a reason I call her The Last of The Red Hot Book Lovers!”
Here’s what Jonathan Santlofer said. He’s the best-selling author of “The Last Mona Lisa” and “The Lost Van Gogh.”
“Nobody loves books and authors more than Patzi, whose show, ‘Joy on Paper,’ is stimulating, fun, and a total pleasure!”
When Gil launched “Joy on Paper” in 2005, she had no experience in radio or publishing. Her secret weapon: She’d read 10,000 books.
“When I first got the idea, it was a whim,” the radio host said. “I never imagined it would grow into a magical carpet.”
And what a ride it’s been.
Along the way, Patzi expanded her format, adding fellow book lovers to her team, including:
Natalie Thomas — Natalie is Patzi’s sister and is known as the Connoisseur of Cozy Mysteries. “She has an amazing talent to spot new and talented authors. One of her finds was Rita Moreau. The other is Carol J. Perry.”
Rita Moreau, contributor of Book Buzz: The Best of Mysteries — Moreau is author of “The Ghost & Camper Kooky Mysteries.” She contributes quick, lively, summaries of the best-of-the-best mysteries on the market.
Davon Miller, contributor of Book Buzz: Children’s Book —Davon is author of the “Mr. Tickety-Toc Clock” series. He was appointed as a Sunshine Ambassador for the City of St. Petersburg.
Bria Burton, contributor of Book Buzz: Science Fiction — Burton writes inspirational and speculative fiction (fantasy, science fiction). Her motto, “Rekindle Your Wonder,” stems from her desire to renew a sense of awe and wonder in her readers.
Bill Larson, the Legal Eagle — Bill Larson of Larson & Larson answers questions from listeners about how to protect intellectual property, with a focus on the legal-related aspects of writing and publishing.
Jim Lamb — Retired journalist and author of ”Herding Butterflies & Other Poems,” Lamb creates radio spots for “Joy on Paper” called “Literary Gems,” little audio tidbits designed to encouraged new writers.
Among the special guests Patzi has interviewed:
Juan Felipe Herrera — “When I was a teenager, I listened to a handsome young poet wearing a red bandanna recite his poetry on the streets of Berkeley. I would never have imagined that one day I would be interviewing him — Juan Felipe Herrera, Poet Laureate of the United States.”
Carol J. Perry — Patzi’s first in-studio guest. Carol has two series going and received the coveted Starred Review for the first book in her “Haunted Haven” series.
Eugenia Lovett West — Author of “Firewall,” a mystery about cyber-crime. West celebrated her 101st birthday in February. She is currently working on a sequel to her Revolutionary War spy thriller, “Sarah’s War.”
Lee Child — “Who knew that while I lived in England Jim Grant (a.k.a. Lee Child) was working at Granada Television as a producer and would soon be fired, eventually inspiring him to pen the Jack Reacher series. It was fun to connect with Lee as a guest for an hour-long birthday interview.”
Andrew Child — Also known as Andrew Grant, Drew is now guardian of his brother’s Jack Reacher franchise. He and his wife Tasha Alexander are both best-selling authors. They were Patzi’s guests on her seventh anniversary show.
Margaret George — Author of “The Autobiography of Henry VIII” and “Confessions of Young Nero,” among others.
Cyrus Friedheim — Wrote a book called “Commit & Deliver.” He was the Vice Chairman of Booz, Allen and Hamilton, the consulting firm.
One more thing: Why is it PatZi with a Z?
“It’s because Jimmy Hoffa gave me the name,” she explains. “When I was a little girl, my father would take me to his Teamster local headquarters and whenever Jimmy saw me he would say: ‘Two bits, four bits, six bits a dollar — if you don't give me a hug, I'm gonna holler’.”
ABOUT: “Joy on Paper” is heard in the Tampa Bay area on the WTAN 1340-AM and 106.1-FM, Tuesdays and Thursdays, at 11 a.m. (Eastern Time). The new YouTube program starts St. Patrick's Day, Sunday, March 17. It’s called “Joy on Paper LIVE!” (https://www.youtube.com/@joyonpaperlive)
The Summer Journal - Entry 1, 2023
I had thought that I wouldn't make friends, that those three weeks would pass by quickly, and I wouldn't have to worry about the tears that would follow and the fear of never seeing friends made during those three weeks ever again. I had thought it would be that easy. I thought I could be alone for three weeks and get away with making no friends. But I was wrong - as I so very often am.
I had not expected you.
You were so nice and kind and caring, so funny and calm in all situations, you were everything I never expected to have. I was drawn to you in a way I didn't understand. We became close friends in a flash, teasing and playfully bickering like lovers, it was always a nonstop competition between us. I never won. I had known you for only a small amount of time, but it had felt like I had known you my whole life. I could trust you with anything, my feelings, my thoughts, and my secrets. You always listened with a caring heart and comforted me. You even opened up your heart for me. It was a friendship unlike any other I had ever had - and, I didn't know it then, it was unlike any I will ever have. We always had each other's backs, we were always happy around each other, always playing and teasing. It was the best three weeks of my life.
It ended too soon.
At the end when we had to go home, I had held in my tears so well, trying to be strong. I wanted the last thing you saw of me was a strong and collected woman. Even when on the inside I was falling apart, painfully unsure whether I would ever see you again. It hurt me so terribly to even think of it, but now, now several months after - soon to be a year - we hardly even text. We used to text every day. I had tried so hard to stay in touch with you, I was so afraid I would lose you, but now you rarely speak to me. Is it my fault? Did I do something to make you not want to be my friend anymore?
What happened to us?
Now I wonder, if I ever see you again, will it be different between us? Will we still be as close as we were? Or will the distance have pushed us apart? I'm not sure what the answer is to any of these questions, but what I do know is that I miss you and your jokes, and I truly hope that someday we get to see each other again.
Here's one last secret, one that you'll never be able to hear, a secret that will float through this computer and through my mind and through my memories, a secret that you'll never know. I was starting to fall in love with you. Most people could see it on my face (Kylie and Kara especially), but you never did and never will. Now, though, I don't even know if those feelings were real or not. If it was just that I thought I was in love because of how close we were, but what I do know is that I miss being your friend. I miss laughing with you and competing with you. I just hope that you are living a happy life and don't forget about all of the memories we had during that amazing Summer Intensive.
I Do It For The Prose. 3
2/5/24
I’ve been waiting for almost two whole months for ‘Love Me Better’ by Corbyn Besson to come out. I only have to wait two more days which I honestly just want to pass. It may be a bit of a surprise but I’ve started writing a little bit and I actually can’t wait. If you have my spotify then you’ll know what I’m talking about. The title will stay hidden for a surprise but I actually really like this and for once don’t feel that stressed when I’m writing it.
That’s it now :)
See you in the next one!
-A.E.T.
Gratitude Journal For The Week of 3/4/2024
A Church I follow has an app (Crossroads Anywhere) where we journal together as a community, and one of the things we journal about are things we are thankful for. I wrote these for last week's prompts from the app.
I am going to continue to do gratitude journals, but I will likely only be posting them in the Crossroads Anywhere app going forward. To anyone that read these journals in the past, I thank you :-)
3/4/2024
"What are you looking forward to this week?"
- Working on improving time management at work and at home.
- Seeing my favorite volleyball team play.
- A family adventure.
3/5/2024
"What are you grateful for today?"
I am grateful for the chance to make some progress on the work I have to get done this week, for the coffee I am about to drink, and the chance to spend a little more time with my family this morning due to a carpooling situation.
3/7/2024
"How did someone help you this week?"
My wife for transporting us around when needed, and showing us the blessings of helping a friend in need.
3/8/2024
Affirmation: "God will never leave me or abandon me."
"Is there anything you would like to thank God for this week?"
Thank You Lord for Your help and guidance this week, for some time off with my family, and mutual interests to be passionate about.
Gratitude Journal For The Week of 2/26/2024
A Church I follow has an app (Crossroads Anywhere) where we journal together as a community, and one of the things we journal about are things we are thankful for. I wrote these for this week's prompts from the app....
2/26/2024
"What are you looking forward to this week?"
- A shorter work week.
- Working on some life improvements - getting back into reading, exercising, working on my voice acting class.
- Time with my family.
2/27/2024
"What are you grateful for today?"
- One more extra day off, even if it is for a dentist appointment.
- New music to check out.
- No shortage of sports to check out.
2/29/2024
"How did someone help you this week?"
- Ben and Jerry for their delicious ice cream, which was a nice treat after a rough day at work.
- The Antique Mall by my work for being a warm place to walk on my break.
- My dentist for continuing to help me.
3/1/2024
Affirmation: "God will never leave me or abandon me."
"Is there anything you would like to thank God for this week?"
Thank You God for being with me through a short but challenging work week. Thank You for a few days to rest and enjoy family, hobbies, and You.