Pins and Screws and Eyes of Needles — Oh, My!
Under general anesthesia, the urologist pressed Peter Harper's testicles along his inguinal canals until they reached the final bottlenecks of swollen inguinal rings.
“It's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter Heaven,” he said under his breath. Peter Harper was indeed very rich.
“What?” asked the anesthesiologist.
“Eye of the needle,” he repeated, pressing gloved thumbs on each bulge. He forced Harper's gonads, squeezing them forward until wringing them through, bruised, into their familiar resting places.
“Those are surely gonna be sore for a while,” the urologist said, transferring care to the orthopedic surgeon who prepared plaster of Paris to immobilize Harper's pelvic ring. He hoped the six separate fractures and disarticulated femur head would heal with the help of a dozen titanium pins and screws.
No one had informed them just how Harper had sustained these injuries, by now requiring six units of blood. Car accident vs being impaled by falling onto something were the leading guesses.
After the orthopedic surgeon shaped the plaster girdle, strategically windowed for bodily functions, ice packs were placed to reduce the swelling of his genitals protruding through the cutaway holes.
The urologist implanted the suprapubic catheter to rest his bladder until his penile urethra could pass anything more viscous than gas. Using the other access hole, the colon and rectal surgeon, having finished the colostomy, next identified the traumatic rectal-bladder fistula via proctoscope, sealing it with an endoscopic procto-ring.
After the suctioning saliva and other comatose secretions had been done, the nurse in the recovery room had time to wonder. Car accident?
Peter Harper attempted to speak.
“What?” his nurse asked. “You’re out of surgery and doing fine.” Harper spoke again. Once again she couldn’t understand. “Try again, Mr. Harper. Cough.” He coughed and groaned from the pain.
“Who was that woman?” he finally rasped.
“What woman?” the nurse asked. “Cough again.” He coughed again. He groaned again.
“That woman,” he repeated. “I have to find out who she is.” He coughed yet again. “She was fucking fantastic.”
"Easy there, lover-boy. You might unscrew your screws."
"That's really funny, he sputtered, then drifted off.
Attention To Tea
Nobody tells you how to go about, 'seeing through it all.' Nobody around me seems to see it the same way I, and maybe we, see it. Nobody could help if they wanted to.
"Can you be more specific?" She looks at me with that look.
I don't know how to respond. Maybe we.
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was speaking. I meant to be thinking to myself."
"On every point, honey. I'm just trying to understand." She still has that look, and the bridge between us splinters from more constant communication of not understanding.
"I'm just - I'm lost on where exactly you're lost,"
I can tell by the look on her face, it's spread to me. The bug, that bleeding, smearing bug of unintentional ignorance.
"I went voluntarily to the doctor because I knew I needed help, and I brought my relevant medical history. That was not considered because I - I don't know. They kept implying it was because of my disorganized speech, but my medicine manages my disorganized speech. Do you see why that would be scary to me?"
Please, please, please, please, please, don't misunderstand.
"I... I understand your feelings are valid, I just still don't understand why you choose to be so negative and mistrusting. Why would the doctors be out to get you?" She puts the question to me so gently, and yet it hurts so bad. Oh, honey. You strike me with the sharp end of the blade.
I'll try again.
"I'm not saying anybody is out to get me, I don't think I'm relevant socially enough for that. That's - that's not what I mean, that - no, I mean, I just am floored they didn't know how to, or couldn't, support me at the mental hospital. That's where anybody goes to get extreme help and support, right?"
"Well, yes," she sighs. Straightening up how she always does to show she needs me to consider what she says next, my honey strikes me yet again with the sharp end of her verbal blade. "I'm going to ask you a question because I'm still just so lost, and I think you're lost, too. Doctors have gone to years and years of medical school, doctors are always trying to improve and nobody wants to be liable, especially on hot button issues." Meeting my gaze straight, she delivers the final blow.
"Have you considered if they're right? I'm not saying they are..." And off we go to the beginning.
I physically feel my ears ring before I hear it. Imagine, the love of your life. Or, who you thought was. To titter between two equally abysmally stigmatized labels, within my own forcibly labeled body, daily, debating if you are a person beneath the words and the more you use, the less people understand.
Stress can induce disordered speech, too. So can mood disorders. So can settings, or substances.
I remember where I've felt this feeling before. Very few times has it ever broken through to my heart - this time, it was guided as if an expert sharpshooter had lined up the shot.
True fear.
"Fear can produce disordered speech," I say with tears in my eyes. I don't know when my eyes noticed my petition papers had been slightly mussed with, but they did. I know that is the heart of the issue. "Please," I may not be able to read a room, but I can read text from a distance. Years of bad vision without glasses refined this talent of mine.
Report if Suspected Danger to Self or Symptoms Resurface
"I just - I don't get you right now. It's like how people treat gay people. You know how that manifests, right? So... think like that. Why didn't I just get my regular medicine...? Why was that ignored?" I'm pleading. I can't deny I didn't ask to be monitored like this.
"I'm so sorry, honey," She's crying. I know I've lost. Oh, I don't want to go - don't - how many strikes against me? Is this the third time, or fourth? She wouldn't strike me with a proverbial blade like this on purpose, right? "But the papers ended up in the back seat of the car, right? So, did you really bring them in? Hallucinations on everyday tasks and activities are common, did you read up on it for yourself?"
"Yes - listen, if I imagined it, how come someone else can verify they saw me drop the papers off?"
"But can they verify they were the right papers?" She knows that's a point I can't ignore.
Why can't I be supported... outside of the hospital? Why does everybody want me sent back once I start to feel real...? Who plans to pay for this? How can I work to pay off my own bills, if I'm held against my will in yet another place that's going to stick me with both needles and worse, more bills?
"I don't have the means to help you as much as you need, I'm sorry, honey, I try, and try, and try - I just... I don't understand you, or what you want,"
How? When? Did I say that out loud?
How does she not get it?
A Brief Description of One Man’s Death (Repost)
I cannot presume to say what every death feels like. I can only speak to my own, and it was really not all that interesting once the knife was removed and the murderer escaped, but I will do my best to enlighten the reader as to its effects upon my body, and also to its effects on my inner thoughts at the curious moment of passing.
I can tell you that the wound succombed quickly to shock, so there was little pain, but there was the freightening knowledge of something terribly wrong, of some important thing inside of me being irreparably damaged. Having little knowledge of anatomy I cannot say for certain sure what that something was, but the blood was dark in color, almost black, so I suspect it was the liver, or possibly a kidney that suffered the injury.
The blood was also plentiful. It pooled quickly around me until every appendage of my body layed within it. It even touched my face so that its strangely sweet odor filled my nostrils until I accepted the smell of the blood as being the smell of death itself. I recall being shocked at the amount, and presumed correctly that a body cannot lose that amount of blood and survive.
With the shock and the blood loss came the cold... a deep, down to the bone cold that sent my muscles into spasms which served to push the blood out of the wound even faster than my heart-beat could push it alone. The spasms acted upon my blood vessels like squeezing a sponge as my body did what it could to speed up the natural process that it evidently knew had begun. In a final effort at self preservation I curled myself into a fetal position, my arms pressing into the wounded area in a feeble attempt at both warmth and to thwart the flow of blood. The effort was far too little, and it was far too late.
And finally came the exhaustion, an overwhelming desire to sleep that pressed against my eyelids with an enormous weight that willed them shut, a feeling not unlike that which the sun will give you through the windshield after a heavy afternoon meal. My eyes closed under that weight. Sleep massaged my temples with the gentlest of fingers, but something inside my head, something in the folded gray matter of my brain railed against it, knowing that at this point in time every second, every feeling, every thought was sacred and I must induce one more of each! To sleep was to never awaken, but I was so very tired. I wondered then that I could really die! I would be no more? In my vanity that did not seem plausible, that the world could carry on without me. Of course I had always known that I could die, that I would die... someday... but now that it was upon me it did not seem acceptable. Who gave that person, that murderer, the right to end me, to take the only thing that really belonged to me and to run away into the night? How is it that he should live and not me? I, to die? I, who was life's greatest advocate! I, who was filled only moments ago with joy and song? I, to vanish as though I had never existed?
But it was true, and so I did; while the earth continued its turning, and the heavens continued their expansions. A few tears were shed, perhaps, and then the life that I held so dear ceased of its importance, and its appointments, and its deadlines, and its pleasures so that the hole my absence left on the earth's face was no greater than the hole left when you pull your finger from a glass of water.
The End
Cogs in the Demon Machine
So I just had a terrifying yet potentially revelatory nightmare.
Idk how to describe it. It was all very creepy. So, it was winter. But it wasn't how winters are out in the woods or the fields or anything, with everything being peaceful and friendly and full of life, the cold stirring up your energy and the ice bringing forth wonder. Nah, I love nature-winter, just as I love nature-summer and nature-spring and nature-fall.
But no this was city-winter. It was sharp and unforgiving and tinted dark with air pollution. The buildings were gray, the air was gray, the streetlights towered and cars sped by, leaving thick trails of smoke. Candy wrappers and cigarettes littered the ground and the sidewalk was frozen hard under your shoes. It was the kind of day unhoused people dreaded. The kind of day I would have had to suffer through wearing torn shoes and a too-thin coat while waiting outside at the bus stop. It was the kind of day where you really feel the effects of capitalism, in all it's uncaring nightmare glory, beating down on you.
I had just walked out of my school and towards the crowded bus stop at the end of the street. On my way, I met these two girls. They were very pretty but there was something off-putting about them. Something dangerous. They were handing everyone free money. Three dollars, in the form of a loony and a toony. They told me it was for a birthday, which was kind of weird but okay. I put the money in my pocket, beside my bus ticket, intending to give it to someone who needed it.
I joined the crowd that was waiting for the bus. There were many people waiting anxiously for the bus to arrive. They were just as cold as I was, in pain in the frigid weather. This part of the dream actually doesn't make sense in real life since other people waiting for the bus tend to have much better and more wether-resistant clothes than me. So they tend to not be cold in the ten-fifteen minutes at most that we have to wait. But for some goddamn reason today everyone was wearing shitty clothes made more for the autumn than the winter. Anyways, it gets worse.
I was waiting for the Number 6 bus. As I usually am. So were a lot of other people. As they usually are. But the first bus sped by us. The second bus was not in service. The third bus was on route to go to all the wrong places. We kept waiting and waiting and more buses passed us by. It was starting to get dark. We were cold. We were desperate. We could see the worry in each others' eyes. We waited and waited until finally a bus came by. It was more of a van than a bus really. Small. But it it could take some of us. We all lined up, chasing the bus as it came to a stop, crowding around the edge of the sidewalk. We tried to all cram in there as much as we could. But the bus driver - a fat man with dark greying hair and amused eyes - sped away after only accepting two of us.
I was on the bus. I felt really bad that it had left my comrades behind. It wasn't fair. But there was an energy of fear in the bus, sharp and sticky and cloying. Hidden by the uncharacteristicallly plush seats and the merry mood of the driver. I look around. The other people in the bus had anxiety in their eyes. But while talking to them they assured me that the bus would take us to our destinations.
The bus driver was jovial, in good spirits, and assured us he would take us where we wanted to go. For a while we drove by, familiar buildings passing by as we went down the well-known road. But then the familiar buildings became unfamiliar ones, increasingly unfamiliar ones as we twisted and turned through the streets. I was so lost. I had no idea where we were or where to get off. Eventually the driver took us to the arena district - which was the most posh entertainment district in the city, filled with very expensive clubs and bars and restaurants and casinos and stuff I didn't even know. He made us get off of the bus into the cold, harsh, bitter and unforgiving morning outside.
His appearance had changed. He became tall and slender. The colour of his skin, hair, nails, everything, was the same colour as the winter outside. His dark eyes were full of cruelty, full of a raging, ferocious, corrupted hunger. Not the hunger of not having food, no. Not the hunger of actually being hungry. This was the hunger of wanting more, more, always more. Of never being satisfied. His nails were just a bit to sharp, just a bit too pointed, almost not human. His eyes were just a bit too dark, the colour a bit too indecipherable, and they were hungry, hungry, hungry. They were powerful. And they were raging. Inside him, you could tell, was a bottomless pit. One you could fill and fill and fill and fill and it would still be deep, and dark, and bottomless. His face was set in a cruel, severe expression. He didn't look human. Not really. But almost. You could believe that he was human, if you only glanced over him. Not if you looked at him for a while though. If you focused on him, you could tell. That he wasn't human. He was a black hole given human form.
He told us that we needed to work for him now. We needed to work to make him money. He told us that he must make money and we owe it to him to work. After all, he had so generously driven us. Never mind that he didn't even drive us where we wanted to go, I thought but didn't dare say out loud. None of us dared speak. We were all terrified of him. We were all acutely aware of the terrible and all-encompassing power he held over us. And we were all aware of the terrible and destructive rage he would fly into if we didn't do as he said. We were all aware that we were stuck. And that he had powers we did not know. Even if there were no walls, no fences, no chains binding us. Even if we could technically make a run for it. We couldn't. He would kill us. We knew that money was what he hungered for. Money was what he used to fill the ever-continuing, ever-reaching, ever-growing abyss inside him. We knew that he had a dark and twisted desire, a cold and cruel desire for money, money, more money. Consuming like some sort of demon. Which we was. No, he was worse. Demons weren't real. There was nothing not real about him.
He said that we had to do the jobs he told us to do. It was freezing and we were cold, cold, cold. But we were terrified. He told us that we had to do repairs and other maintenance around the arena district. We had to repair the tall, shining, artfully architected buildings that people spent their Friday evenings and weekends at. We had to keep the district up and running. Keep it pretty and beautiful as it shone full of metal and stone and glass. We had to serve him. And line his pockets. Nobody could see us. Nobody could hear us scream. Not unless we got away from him.
He put us to work immediately. We had to scale the large, spiralling buildings without any protective equipment. We had to work up there perching on the ridges and folds
... I'm too terrified to write any more. I don't know what about this dream scared me so much but I am so fucking terrified and I need to take a moment before I go on ...
I think I should describe the district. Most of the buildings were really new-age. They had walls and roofs that curved and folded and bent over themselves and twisted and spiralled and rolled like hills. It was all very artistic. It was all very materialistic. It was all very decadent and opulent. There were tall buildings that stretched up into the sky and wide buildings that sprawled out across multiple blocks, connected by twisting, glittering interior bridges. There were glittering and polished windows. Often the windows were from floor to ceiling. Often the windows took up the space of the entire wall. Often the walls were made of glittering metal. A very popular way to gild walls was with folded, overlapping panels of shiny silverish metal. There were also many buildings built with the straight edges and straight walls of the slightly older building style. They were all very tall, very straight, very imperious, as they stretched up towards the cloud-swamped, softly glowing sky. They were very clean. They had large windows, the bottom floors always being made of looming floor-to ceiling windows that were clear as crystal. They had many ledges and ridges. Like I said before all the metal was shining silvery-grey, sometimes more silver and sometimes more grey. But always so very clean. Sometimes it was reflecting like a mirror.
Sometimes it was had such a certain lustre that it almost glowed. Sometimes it almost had a sickly yellow tint. Sometimes it had a blue tint. Sometimes it even managed to have a pink tint. The stone, on the other hand, used in buildings, was imperious gray, jet black, shimmery brown, blood red, rich maroon, light creme, or even sometimes granite. Everything was so opulent. Everything was so rich. Everything was so oppressive.
The atmosphere was oppressive and heavy and it was dark and twisted. The surroundings held no life in them. Not any of the spark of life and kindness that lit up the kinder parts of the world. The air was polluted, polluted, oh so polluted. Everything was heavy and pressing. The world, the world around us was uncaring, apathetic, twisted, dangerous, and cruel. It was almost suffocating. An air of danger, hung thick all around. An air of terror, of unholiness, of corruption pressing and swirling in the weight of the air all around. It was claustrophobic despite - no because of - the grand scale of everything.
We couldn't take in the "beauty" of it. We couldn't notice any of the grandeur. It mattered not to us but rather passed by beyond our reach.
We were too busy being tired, sick, aching, scared, and cold in our hearts and in our bodies and in our minds. We were too busy being caught up in work, work, work. We were too busy pushing ourselves forward in the repetitive, agonizing, mind-numbing labour we were forced to do. We were too busy freezing and ignoring how we were freezing. We were too busy feeling our life force drain from us. We were too busy being tired, body and soul, and ignoring the tiredness in order to make him more and more and more money. We were too busy trying to ignore how our arms and legs and everything ached. We were too busy pushing ourselves to do dangerous work and feeling how it felt to not know if you were going to die or not. We were too busy not having anything. We were too busy being exploited. We were too busy slowly dying. We were too busy feeling pain and fear and death. Death hung over us ever-present.
He sent us up buildings, to scale walls and stand on ledges and balance on folds and whatnot, shining and cleaning and repairing without any safety equipment. We had no nets or harnesses or anything to protect us from falling. We had no helmets or any other protective gear. We had no warm clothes to protect us from the majority of the winter's chill. We had to work, work, work at a brutal, frantic pace, pressing our hands and bodies onto the cold of the stone and metal and glass.
I remember being up high, on top of the curve of a folded, new-age wall. Straddling the curving slope on either side. I had a bucket of cold, soapy water that was making my hands burn but I had to clean the building. All the while making sure I didn't fall off and die. I remember hating it so much and feeling myself die. But I was trapped in a crystal of his corrupted making. I couldn't do anything.
The people entertaining themselves and going about their day in all the bars and restaurants paid no attention to us, to our misery. They couldn't see us and even if they could they wouldn't care. They had cushy, intellectual day jobs that paid well, that they did in the safety of an office, that they pretended to hate so they could justify their lavish spending habits. Meanwhile the monster was getting richer and richer. And still he wasn't satisfied. He was never satisfied.
Every time we finished a job we had to come to him. He sat ruler-straight, imperious, and ever hungry. And we were aching and tired and we just wanted to rest. But he didn't care. He gave us no rest. He just gave us another job. And we had to go do it. We had no rest. No time to sooth our bleeding souls. No time to find some peace and calm. We only had the constant demand of filling his ever-expanding emptiness with coins that were as poisoned and tainted as he was.
We didn't want to but we were scared of him, so scared of him, so scared about what he would do to us, what he could do to us. He was unholy, and his unholiness extended out to all the world around us, choking us, poisoning us, feeding off of us. But he was all-powerful. His corruption was everywhere. His spirit reached out in all directions like electric wire, watching us, keeping us in line.
I wanted to escape, to go somewhere I could call home. We all did.
I was picking up trash from the stone courtyard of a great library/movie theatre when I figured out. I was between the slanted walls of two cold, looming glass pyramids. Despite the fact that the public sidewalks were littered with trash, the grounds of private property had to be kept clean. It almost felt protected though, between those sloping walls that provided the illusion of privacy. I realized what he was. I realized what he was doing to us. I had felt my life force draining out of me bit by bit but I had never paid attention to it. I had never known why. But now I knew. I felt it. He was drinking us. He was draining our life force and turning it into corrupted money for him to consume. He was slowly killing us and soon we would be dead. I knew I had to escape. I knew we had to escape. But how? We had no power.
He made us gather around. He told us that if any of us gave him six dollars he would let that person go. But none of us had that kind of money. At most we had three dollars from the girls on the street corner but many of us didn't even have that. I saw his offer clearly for what it was, a ploy to make himself seem good and reasonable while keeping us trapped in servitude anyways. He wanted to seem like he wasn't interested in oppressing us, only in making money. But I knew how he was draining our life force for money. I knew how draining us and oppressing us was inextricably tied to his ability to make money.
I had to think of a plan.
One time I was working near the very edges of where he was keeping us trapped. I was separated from him by two walls made of rough stone. They were also granting me the illusion of privacy. On the ground I saw some coins. A toony and two loonies as well as a few quarters and nickels. I was shot through with amazement and hope.
But upon closer inspection I saw that the money had the unmistakable quality of being tinged with the type of corruption that can only come from him. The money was unmistakably his. And this was a trap. Of course it was, it was too good to be true. Just a bit more than the money I needed to get free, and then some. He wanted me to pocket his change, to bring the money to him asking to be let go. And then he would accuse me of stealing and he would utterly destroy me. He would scrape the flesh off my bones and tear into my throat and drink my blood and bite into my bones and leave nothing left. Maybe he knew I was onto him. And he wanted to consume the last bit of me that he could. But still. I had to get free. I had to get free. I had to get free.
I pocketed the larger coins, too cautious to waste my time picking up the handful of smaller ones. He could come at any second. I did not intend to give him the money. But I knew that in this world, money was hard to come by and people could use it to keep themselves alive. I intended to give the money, along with the other money I already had, to someone who actually needed it. I don't know what happened after that. Maybe the rebellious act of stealing had given me the power I needed to break out of the spell for just a little bit. But I just started running as fast as my legs could carry me. I ran and I ran and I ran through the forcefield that had been keeping us in.
I knew I ignited his anger. I felt it the moment that I was free from the force field. So I kept running. My legs were sore and aching but they felt invigorated. My lungs were sore as I fought for every bit of oxygen I could get. I kept running and running until I reached my home.
For some reason my home was my science teacher's house. Like, my science teacher from real life. I'll tell you about her or else this part won't make sense. In the "real" world, the world outside the dream, where you and me and everybody lives out their waking lives, this woman was my science teacher and now she teaches other people.
I'm not going to tell you what year she taught me because on the off chance that she ends up reading this it would be incredibly awkward for her to know that she saved me from a capitalism demon in a dream that I had. Anyways, she really likes nature and really cares about the environment and taught me a lot of what I know about climate activism and stuff. She's also really nice to all her students and she's a communist.
Anyways in the dream she was all of that and she was also my mother.
In the dream I ran to her. And she felt bright and new and green like nature-spring. I told her everything that had happened. She told me that she knew what kind of creature he was. She had travelled the world and heard many stories of what exists beyond the physical reality. He was a Capitalist, a terrifying and dangerous creature that had an everlasting hunger for money and grew fat from harvesting the life force of humanity. She told me she didn't know how to get rid of him but that I must try, and I had her support.
I was scared. But I was also full of determination. I knew I had to end him. I had to end him immediately. I knew that I had a high chance of failing. A high chance of dying. A high chance of getting enslaved again and having my life force drained out of me. I did not care. I knew I also had a chance of killing him.
I marched up to him. He looked at me with his terrifying, dark eyes, and he snarled. I told him that if he wanted money he could come get the money. I held a toony up. He opened his mouth and rushed at me. But I jammed the coin into the roof of his mouth, making him bleed. He howled in pain as I jammed another coin into the roof of his mouth and two into the floor of his mouth, under his tongue. He howled in pain as he bled to death. And then finally, he was gone. Dissolved and carried away by the wind. Into nothingness. My friends were free! They were safe! They could go home and rest and live their lives as free people. They smiled and cheered.
But I still had the coins that I stole from him, which carried his corrupted essence. I was unsure of what to do with them. It was then that I realized. He might be gone but there were so many other creatures that were just like him. That were on the prowl. That were gaining power and draining their own victims and making the world what it was. We lived in hell.
I startled awake. Out of the dream. Into real life. I was so overwhelmingly scared. I tried really hard to forget about the dream, to stop thinking about it, to put it behind me. But I could remember his sharp teeth and his empty, abyssal eyes and his hard, uncaring expression. I felt his power all around me. And my heart thudded in my chest. He was coming to get me. He was coming to get me. He was coming to get me. But then I realized. That words have power. If I could explain to the world what happened, if I could explain what he was, what he did. If people knew about him. If more people knew. Then he would have less power. Then he would be foiled. I needed to fight him in real life, just as I had in the dream.
It's true that I woke up terrified but I woke up safe. I woke up in a house that was mine despite not being the home I wished was mine. I woke up secure. So many people don't. So many children wake up separated from their families all alone in dark rooms on hard floors. They're all alone. They're young. They're small. They're uncared for and unloved by all that surround them. They have no one they could call and no-one that would hear them if they did call. They have only their fear. Only their grief. Only their aloneness. They have no-one and they have to be quiet and not wake anyone. They can't even cry. They can't even scream. They have no-one to comfort them. No-one to help them. No-one that sees them as a person. No-one that sees them as a child. No-one who holds them and strokes their hair and tells them it will be alright. They just have to lie there silently, flooded with fear, silently trembling as they drown in their terror and grief. Young and already a victim of the system's destructiveness, of the cruelty of the people who benefit from it.
And I know because I've met children like that. I've turned my nose up at them. I've stayed silent to their injustice. You don't know what happens in places that aren't the West. You don't know what gets hidden and swept under the rug and never talked about and never taken seriously even if it is. We divide the world up into meet little categories that can easily be sorted. Put strangers in neat little boxes. Think that we can learn everything important about their whole lives from just a glance. We justify our wealth however we can.
Monsoon
Oftentimes the gutter would throw up its contents, in a great tidal wave, by the front door of the house, forcing the already-damp earth to swallow more than it could hold – too much, always too much.
At the edge of the woods behind the farmhouse, young trees lost their anchor points to the mud. So they fell, in a dull, wet noise, barely noticeable through the drumming song of raindrops.
Still rain was a good thing. During monsoons, while the whole family holed up together upstairs at the first sign of a flood, the amount of noise a dozen people could make acted like a shield. Whatever happened there, under the rain, had nothing to do with them.
Everything, from ruined fields to unearthed carcasses, was the doing of the old pagan gods who once ruled those lands. Mortally offended ever since the peasants had turned their backs on their traditions, those eternal beings rose from the earth, bringing corpses and secrets with them, cursing the traitors. Rumour had it that whoever set foot outside while it rained would be devoured whole by the gods themselves.
Gerbille had been living with that story burrowed at the back of her mind for years now. Her fear should have dwindled with time, but it had only shed its skin along with the girl. As a child she feared mud-monsters crawling from under her bed, yellowed teeth at her throat. Now she feared she'd see nothing at all, would only feel the pain when it happened. After all it was pitch dark in the attic where the whole family slept, and sometimes, at night, the rain stopped falling.
Those rare moments of utter silence were the soil from which the legitimacy of her childhood terrors sprouted. She was fifteen, old enough to work the fields, sell her wool at the marketplace without supervision. Fifteen and yet there she was, lying on her straw mattress, letting the black ink of night pool over her wide-open eyes.
That same darkness blanketed the entire house, separating it from the outside world perfectly. Behind the windowless walls there was no howling wind, no creaking roof. The sound of rain had accompanied her for so long by that point, that it took Gerbille a moment before she noticed its absence.
Behind that lack was something else. First she believed someone was walking of dead leaves, but the crunch was too loud for a few leaves. Then the sound changed: now she could have sworn someone was eating soup downstairs.
"Anyone else hearing this?"
To her left, the rustling of beddings put a lid on the soup slurping noise.
"Who's eating at such an hour?" Whispered Souris as she got out of bed.
"Don't go!" Gerbille tried to grab onto her cousin's sleeve, but she couldn't see a thing and her hand only found air. "I have a bad feeling about this."
"I'll be careful going down the stairs. Stay here."
Souris's footfalls grew fainter, and before long the creaking of the stairs reached Gerbille's ears. The slurping noise went on, uninterrupted. Punctuated with Souris's slow descent and a new sound, sharp cracking, it seemed to be taking form the more Gerbille listened to it. She imagined its long hands, nails curved like talons that could easily pierce her shoulders. The sound would have teeth too, the same yellowed teeth she had so feared when she was younger.
If she stayed put, lying there with her blanket her only shield, the noise would come for her. It would push itself all the way up the stairs using its spindly arms. Then it would open the door, slowly, and Gerbille would know the exact second the nameless horror crawled inside the room. Its gurgling, its loud inhales, its ancient bones ground nearly to dust – all of this would draw closer, slowly, inexorably. At last, fear itself at the foot of her bed, Gerbille would understand what it had been slurping with such enthusiasm – but it would be too late: she would lose her eyes, lose her tongue; that vile beast, that carrion of forgotten god, would bring Gerbille's frail figners to its mouth, one by one. Its lukewarm tongue would wrap all the way around, until the very last knuckle, and its acidic saliva would turn flesh into soup. Gluttonous, the sound would suck until nothing was left but her bones, clean and smooth. Then it would break those too, snap them between its molars, holding her firmly by the arm. She wouldn't be able to cry out, to move; thus held by the undistilled purity of the hells, the only thing a peasant girl could do was pray.
Downstairs, something fell heavily. Gerbille sat up with a start, drenched in sweat. There was no way she could stay put.
"Souris?" Nothing. "'Ris? Who was eating?"
No one answered. She got up on trembling legs, staggered to the door like a young fawn. From the landing she could see a faint light coming from the kitchen, waiting, inviting. Gerbille answered its call.
A small candle flame danced without a care in the world, sitting on the large dining table, reflected by the puddles darkening the floor. Souris laid on the floor, eyes and mouth wide open. A towel was tied around her arm, probably to slow down the flow of blood rushing out of it and into a bucket. Her hand rested on top of a slice of bread on the table, next to a knife smeared with butter.
Gerbille didn't have her mouth fully open yet when a hand wrapped around the lower half of her face. A tall, ice-cold body pressed against her back, then an arm wound around her waist, keeping her still.
"Be good," her father whispered in her ear. His breath made her stomach turn. "Go back to bed, before the rain calls for me again."
He freed her slowly, ready to silence her again should he need to. But terror locked her jaw shut, then walked with her feet. Twice she stumbled, but her father didn't make a move. Near the stairs, the round door leading down to the cellar was cranked open. The stone steps had disappeared under the water. Gerbille stared at it, that lightless unknown, for a second. Just long enough, really, to hear it again, that familiar, damnable sound, the tapping fingers soon to turn into a deafening beating drum.
"It's raining."
Slowly, she turned around. Behind her, her father had tensed. His eyes were dead, the colour of milk. The shadows on his hands toyed with his raised veins, the length of his nails. In the cellar, something laughed, the sound of an emptying well. Gerbille closed her eyes, and jumped.
The Eyes of My Love
I catch his eye from across the room of our 11th grade English class. Butterflies emerge in my stomach making me wonder if it's anxiety or the beginning of a crush. For the next few weeks our eyes find each other everywhere: the hallway, the lunchroom, class.
I'm sitting in the lunchroom, pretending to listen to my friend rant about her relationship problems. All I can think about is how if I was with him, we would never have those problems. Suddenly my friend stops talking and looks behind me with concealed annoyance. I turn around, feeling the large presence behind me. Butterflies ram into my stomach lining as I look into his eyes.
He lets out a beautiful breathy laugh and asks for my number. I eagerly put it into his phone with shaking hands. I can feel him staring at me with his dark brown eyes. His face has a smile with an emotion I can't quite place. Originally, I believed it held something sinister, but that thought was quickly shooed away as I look into the eyes of the man of my dreams.
Eighteen months pass and things are amazing! My friends try to make me break up with him. They say that he is possessive and aggressive, but they don't know what I know. He's just misunderstood. He comes from a broken and negligent family. it's not his fault that everyone thinks he's weird. Although everyone has their quirks. He's so beautiful that I can overlook them. For one, I'm not allowed near his house. One time I dropped him off after a party because he was in no condition to walk home, and he lashed out at me. He even apologized. It's not his fault though! He's already told me a million times that I'm not allowed near his house and I didn't listen.
I still don't know why my friends freaked out when they saw the bruises. I told them the truth and everything! I told them it was my fault, and they were still mad at the love of my life! From that day on I decided that I don't need to associate myself with people who don't support me and the one I love.
Now it's just Jack and I, and I couldn't be happier. After five years of dating, we get married! It's one of the happiest days of my life! We finally move in with each other. I convinced him to let us move into the house I was never allowed to see. I have no clue why because it was kept very nice. The lawn was mowed, and the gardens were tended to. The inside was even better. It was a beautiful two-story open floor plan. I loved everything about it! The only thing that was bad about the house was the souls that scream in the basement.
Jack held painful eye contact as he told me on the first night in our house together. He told me that this house is the house of a murderer and people would be killed in the basement years ago. He assured me that nothing would hurt me, as long as a I stayed out of the basement. I vowed to him to never even look in the direction of the basement and we laughed it off.
The screams became a source of comfort for me. The nights when there were no screams, I was unable to fall asleep. I know it sounds weird, but it helps to know that someone is there when I go to sleep alone every night. It was something to get used to when Jack started sleeping in the same bed as me and the screaming stopped.
Years pass and we have a beautiful baby girl. Jane, named after my great grandmother who was unidentified in a rollercoaster crash. Her cries were a comfort to me ever since the screaming down below ceased. Maybe that's why I was so concerned when the cries of our baby began to get increasing more muffled and towards the direction of the basement. I slowly got up from bed, heart pounding and breathing rapidly. This was the only time in my life that I feared what my husband may do.
I am not dumb. I know why he didn't sleep in the same bed as me and I know that ghosts aren't real. I know what he did in that basement, and I figured out why I was never allowed over his house when we were younger. I know that my husband was talking about himself when he was referring to that murderer. I just didn't care. I love him too much to let that small thing come in the way of our love. I draw the line when it comes to my baby girl.
For the first time, I defy my husband. I open the door of our basement and the crying ceases with a gurgle. My heart leaps into my throat as I descend the stairs and see the horrible scene in front of me. I look into the eyes of the love of my life and see the same expression that he had when we first met. His sinister gaze meets mine. My eyes travel to the form in his arms. My baby girl's eyes glazed over staring at nothing. A painstaking rage flows through me as I slowly take my baby out of his arms.
I weep once she in lying lifelessly in my grasp. I look into his eyes, and I can't ignore his actions, not this time. I let him kill all of those people because I loved him, but not my daughter. She will never get to grow up and become her own person. The only memory that is left of her is her lifeless body.
The man of my dreams, the murderer I overlooked, my abuser who I loved enough to ignore his fatal flaws, is the killer of our daughter. Somehow, someway, I blink, and my sweet baby is no longer in my hands. She is replaced by the eyes of my husband. One in each hand. I gaze to the floor of the damp basement and see my eyeless husband lying next to our daughter.
The vicious murders didn't matter to me, I never thought he would've killed our daughter too.
Our Baby Girl
I knew he was the one I wanted to marry again and again and again when we were dating. He volunteered to do the dishes after Thanksgiving at his parents' house. He refused to let my mom pay him for house sitting. He holds his baby niece and wrestles his young nephews with all the tenderness of a father. I wanted that for our kids, too.
We got married in June. It was beautiful. We shared our first kiss as a married couple before a pink Montanna sun setting over the big blue mountains. There wasn't a luckier girl in the world.
We had an awkward wedding night where we both sheepishly admitted that we'd get better over time. And we did. Four months into our marriage, I drove to the dollar store and snagged a pink box from the shelf. I could feel my face turning red; I'd never bought a test before. I made sure I handed the item to the cashier with my left hand, so she'd see my ring.
In our apartment, my hands shook so badly, I dropped the first test in the toilet. I hadn't told my husband I suspected anything. I knew he'd be excited, though. Every time we made love, he'd tell me he hoped this one conceived a child. I wasn't disappointed.
When I showed him the faint pink line on the strip, he spun me in a circle. He even teared up when the doctor confirmed the pregnancy. It was perfect.
Six months into the pregnancy, I caught him texting another woman. I only read a few messages over his shoulder before he caught me. But they seemed pretty cut and dried: She couldn't wait to have sex with him again. In October. When he was going on a trip.
Of course, I cried; bawled my eyes out, more appropriately. My husband's first words however at my frame-wracking sobs were, "calm down. Think of the baby." Of course, he was right, I didn't want to lose her. But of all the things to say, why those words?
The truth, or some version of it, tumbled out. He told me that she was someone from high school. He'd done nothing but message her. As for having sex again, he said they hadn't had sex since high school.
Of course, I was angry. Maybe I should have left right there. Instead, I demanded he block her number. I'd forgive him if it really was just a moment of weakness.
"Done." He'd said. I watched him block the number in front of me.
I was too afraid to tell my mom or my friends. They'd overreact. They didn't know him like I did. It was a mistake.
We drifted after that. I still didn't want to speak to him, and he didn't really try to engage with me, either. At some point, he stopped joining me in bed at night. I held out hope, though, that the baby might change everything. Maybe she could fix our relationship.
I was with my mom and my brother when I went into labor. My mom called my husband, but he didn't pick up. She tried to call from my phone, but he didn't answer. So, she sent him a message: Your wife is going into labor.
I gave birth to a healthy girl early the next morning. My husband never came. Rather than my husband holding my knee as I pushed, it was a young nurse. Rather than my husband getting me ice chips and a cool towel, it was some young volunteer. I held our new child alone in the hospital for two days and he never came.
My brother confirmed that he wasn't at our house, so I let my parents take me to their house. It felt wrong laying in my childhood bed holding a screaming little girl and wondering where my husband had gone. I wish I'd never found out.
The day I was pushing a human child from my body, he was filing for divorce and full custody of our baby girl. Three days postpartum, and I had a legal battle on my hands for the infant wailing on my chest.
My father called his lawyer friends for advice. My mom called everyone she knew to pray that I'd get to keep my baby. Generally, the Montanna courts favor women. So, despite having no income, I won full custody of my baby. He got the house, but I'd never be able to keep it alone. I moved back into my parents' house.
The secret got out of how the whole mess transpired. The woman he'd cheated with, had never been a fling. When they found out she was infertile, they launched a plan for him to have a child with someone else and gain full custody in court. He'd spent our marriage financially isolating me and doing whatever he could to set me up to fail. If it weren't for my parents, he would have won.
My baby is almost two years old now. Mercifully, she looks just like me. I still see her father on occasion at the grocery store or in passing at the park. The restraining order keeps him far, but not far enough. He watches from a distance. He's tried to bring the custody battle back to the courts, but his case was thrown out.
My curly haired beauty hasn't asked about her father yet. She hasn't connected that her uncle and I have a dad, or that all her playmates have daddies. I'm not sure what I'll tell her. Until then, I'll keep looking for that shadow that lurks 100 yards away.
Meagre Easter
After Easter brunch, Liliana was clearing the table, eager for her annoying relatives to leave. Meanwhile, her partner Denis was taking out the trash when he tripped and fell. Suddenly, a werewolf bit him. “It’s just a human. I was revived to hunt a dangerous vampire that lives around here.” Denis returned home, believing he had simply fallen. Gazing at the full moon, Denis' inner wolf emerged, hurling the relatives' car off the cliff. Liliana tackled him and summoned her vampiric fangs, bringing his humanity back. Oblivious, Denis awoke on the ground. "What were we doing here?" Liliana just smiled.
The Meaning of Love
I thought I knew the woman I married. We had been friends first, since childhood even, and one night after a few too many shots, she finally confessed her feelings. I was too much of a coward to do it myself, so we spent years unhappy, each too afraid to tell the truth. Did that make me a liar? Was every word I said to her before that night untrue? I think the answer might be yes, but I hate to think of myself that way.
Which brings me back to the present. We had gotten married two years ago, in the forest. Alone. We signed the paperwork and gathered the necessary witnesses in the courthouse. It is a lovely building, but Jennifer's heart belongs to the woods by her old house almost as much as it belongs to me. I hold the beating thing in my hand, still surprised that she had so eagerly given it to me. If that isn't trust, I don't know what is.
And yet, some things still surprise me. In the dim candlelight, I catch glimpses of her ice-blue eyes turning red. She sunburns easily, and almost never goes out except at night. I put it down to the lighting, to her fair skin and Scandinavian heritage. I don't know what she is, but I know I love her. Every odd thing about her. And if someday it comes to pass that she loses control of herself, I will love her from beyond the grave. I will love her pearly white ghost and she will love mine somehow, some way. I truly believe that. She will come back to her senses, of that I am sure. And in her embrace I know I will find something to give my heart to. And if she doesn't love me anymore, I will still have her translucent heart to hold.
So if that day comes to pass, and she sucks the blood from me, at least it will be for her that I bleed. What better way to end my life, then sacrificing it all for my beautiful wife. I can't imagine a better fate, then being the thing she needs for her life to be sustained. Isn't that what it is? Isn't that trust, devotion, love. If that isn't what it means to hold someone's heart and let them hold yours, I don't quite know the meaning of that perfect word, except that people use it to describe this feeling. I would do anything and everything to hold on to her, even when we both have forsaken this flawed earth, lovely as it may be. That is the meaning, as far as I'm concerned. And I hope she loves me like she loves the forest and the sea.
Married in Vegas
It was when Romeo killed my cousin that I realized I had perhaps married the wrong person.
I won't lie, I got with Romeo because he was a hunk.
Also I was ever so slightly drunk.
Hey that rhymed!
Anyway, he was so cute when we first met at the party. Sure we had both just lost huge bets and were wasted as hell but still.
He said he loved me and then we got married, because what else would anyone do.
Then I woke up in a random hotel which I learned later was actually the Venetian. I don't even know how I got there.
Suddenly, my stupid, square cousin barged in and dragged me away. Romeo was still passed out on the couch but he woke up, pulled a pistol out of his pocket and shot the hell out of my sweet old cuz.
That really sucks, I thought that I had found a stalemate-- I mean soulmate.
Then Romeo told me about his lost bet and how he wanted me to help him pay off loan sharks while I stared at the gruesome image of Ty, my cousin, laying on the floor with blood spilling out of ten wounds.
I was so angry that I pulled out my AK 47 and shot Romeo dead too.
I sent out an ad.
LAWYER RESQUESTED!
HELP NEEDED!
MUST WIN COURT CASE AGAINST THE MONTAGUE FAMILY!
LOTS OF MONEY OFFERED!