Scary sounds
Heavy footsteps on the veranda
The clash of plates and crockery as they're stowed away in cupboards
The front door slamming
A frustrated sigh
The sound of the door knob turning
The rumble of an unexpected engine
The long silence after a question
Mum crying
Brother crying
The phone ringing - Private Number, no called ID
...
These sounds haunt me still
Break the pattern
You always said, 'I'm telling you what my father told me, don't wait too long to have kids.'
When I turned thirty, you took me on a long walk - and explained my own dwindling fertility to me - as if you couldn't understand why I hadn't yet produced a child. Another disappointment I suppose. I made many excuses - my low wages, my high rent, my partner's reluctance to become a father, the increasing conflicts within the world, the collapse of ecosystems, pollution. All of these reasons were real - but none of them is what was truly keeping me from motherhood.
The truth is - I didn't feel equipped to become a parent. I was painfully aware of my hair-trigger temper, my disproportionate reactions, the undercurrent of violence that flowed through my veins, always threatening to come to the surface.
My own world felt so unsafe that I could never imagine willingly subjecting an innocent being to it. Because children are supposed to be nurtured and kept safe. They are supposed to be encouraged and loved unconditionally, so they can grow into the beautiful and unique (and yes sometimes frustrating) person they are supposed to be. And I didn't get that from you as a child. The home I grew up in felt like living on the edge of a volcano. Sometimes dormant, usually spewing lava - but occasionally blowing up and destroying everything in it's path.
Now I am healing and learning healthy communication and emotional maturity. Maybe one day - with the right partner, I might feel safe enough to nourish a child. Maybe not. Either way, I am determined to break the pattern here.
I just wish you would take the time to come to terms with your own childhood trauma - I can't imagine what you have suffered to make you as you are.
Broken can be beautiful
On days when I feel sad and blue
And everything seems bad
I want to crawl back into bed
Can't see a way past sad
There's war and famine everywhere
Nature screams in pain
People dying, children crying
The whole world's gone insane
There's trauma here and heartache there
Why's everyone so cruel
We're all people with feelings
Yet we act like we're too cool
There's cost of living, college debt
No pay rise coming soon
Can't get in to see a doctor
Until sometime late in June
The dating world seems scary
To my bruised and battered heart
I fear that they'll abuse me
If I even give a part
My friend just wants to end it
She's been sick for many years
The doctors shrug their shoulders
And she leaves their rooms in tears
Yes life is grim and gruesome
It's no picnic or parade
So how do I keep going
In this crazy, life charade?
Instead of thinking 'bout
All the things I didn't own
A house, a dog, a partner
That new expensive phone
I started giving thanks
For the good things in my life
Fresh air, good friends, my job
The peace amongst this strife
I started seeing sunsets
And smiling at the show
Those vibrant pretty colours
Told my sadness where to go
And flowers in the garden
Birds up in their trees
Singing for me daily
The calm buzz of the bees
The fresh crunch of an apple
The crust of new-baked bread
A dance class at the club
My soul was being fed
The time to do my writing
To walk in local parks
To dine out with a friend
And hear about their larks
That changed everything for me
For beauty is a salve
Friendship is a tonic
They ease that pressure valve
Life is still no picnic
The blue days haunt me still
But now I search for glimmers
And my cup, they do fill
Just another love song
I would do anything for love
You smiled and then the spell was cast
I've been watching you for some time
I would catch a grenade for ya
Can't drink without thinkin' about you
I could stay awake, just to watch you breathing
I want to stand with you on a mountain
I would walk in the rain and the snow
Walk through the storm I would
I want to kiss you in Paris
Cos I would walk 500 miles
I drove all night to get to you
I'll take a bruise, I know you're worth it
I'll give you all I've got, blood, sweat and tears
Oh, I would hold you for a million years
You are the apple of my eye
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Take my heart and please don't break it
You're changing my whole state of mind
Think I'm addicted to your light
And I just want to hold you close
I have died every day waiting for you
I knew I loved you before I met you
At last my love has come along
When food is gone you are my daily meal
And I will try to fix you
I still feel everything when you are near
Cause I will love you for the rest of my life
It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do, I do it for you
I wanna live with you even when we're ghosts
Losing you is like living in a world with no air
You know when I die, you'll be on my mind
One big empty promise
Subject: My ex
Rating: One star
Comments: I wavered between one and two stars - because the start of the relationship was so promising. And also, because it always takes two to tango and one star is rather letting myself off the hook. But for anyone looking for an emotionally available and caring partner - keep looking. This is not it! He's not interested in change. Every time you bring up something that bothers you, he immediately invalidates it and makes it a you problem.
Want him to go to more family events? His solution is that you have to drag him there kicking and screaming and deal with his resentful petulance the entire time you are there. He'll also hold that over your head for the next two years.
Go to something without him? Be prepared for a series of guilt inducing messages about you abandoning him and leaving him all on his lonesome - like the monster that you are.
Rude to your friends? Well he just can't be bothered to say hello. That's on you for repeatedly inviting them over.
Intimate relations? He will never instigate (but apparently if you 'grab him by the dick' he's always ready to go), he's very unbothered by your pleasure and he says if he has to wear a condom he won't enjoy it at all.
Foreplay? Not a fan. He'll spits in a bowl while going down on you (sure to make you feel hot, hot, hot)
Quality time? Him playing the PS5 while you sit there quietly.
Life admin? Your problem (he doesn't like talking to people on the phone, so enjoy hooking up the internet, dealing with the real estate agent, plumbers and any other life admin people.) It will also be your job to pay the rent and other bills
Cleaning? If you do sign up for a relationship - please make sure you have your own bathroom - because he won't ever clean it, but boy will he make it dirty.
Holidays? Wants to stay in a five star hotel (that's way above your budget) but doesn't want to pay more than half the bill. Also, never wants to eat at normal times, so dining is an absolute nightmare
Dates? See 'quality time'
Birthday present? $5 yoga mat from Kmart (after many, many hints about wanting a yoga mat)
Bedsheets? Never changes them, not once. Will go brown unless this is also a job you are willing to take on
Night out? On the rare occasions this happens, he'll get very drunk and want to punch someone. Not you, but really anyone else. Or a telegraph pole. He also does this gross thing called 'tactical vom' where he sicks his fingers down his throat and throws up. You'll probably be giving any night out one star
New job? Right after a brief congratulations he'll go out and get a better job, with a more impressive title and larger pay check, because it's very important to him to always one-up you
Dinner with friends? Be prepared for worried looks from your friends as he continuously puts you down and says unkind things in front of them
Grocery shopping? Wants to go down every single aisle, every single time, to see if there are any special buys
Overall? One big empty promise
Positives? Is currently single, on the rarest of occasions that he cooks, it's quite delicious, faithful, handsome, funny, can be quite cute, very intelligent, but also a complete idiot
It’s gonna blow
For weeks I've ignored it
Reaching around it
Overlooking it
Actively avoiding it
But now, it's demanding my attention
It's straining at the seams
It's bulging like a bloated belly
It's ready to explode
Curse my procrastination
And inaction
And depressed malaise
With gentle fingers
I gingerly touch it
Wary of it's hair-trigger
And threat of violence
I hold my breath...
But it does not explode
Gently, I ease it from the shelf
Treating it like a fragile thing
As delicately as a baby bird
Then with smooth footsteps
Like a cat burglar on a roof
I glide to the door
With acute care, I am through
There stands the dustbin
Just ten feet away
nine - down the step
eight - foot on the driveway
seven - avoid the neighbours gaze
six - long to itch the end of my nose
five - steady now we're almost there
four - oooh that was close
three - breathe, breathe, BREATHE
two - so close now
one - Oh darn it
The milk missile explodes
The void
What is it?
This nothingness
And can it exist,
While I ponder it's existence?
Does it vanish on being considered?
And can nothing really vanish
If it wasn't ever there?
Or is it something so alien,
I cannot even fathom it
While I am here - violently alive
I have often thought
That death is nothingness
The moment my consciousness ends
There will be a void.
A sweet release
From the agony of life
The restlessness of feeling,
The drama of being an emotional creature,
Of a constantly changing body
Of the stormy reality in each breath
But even in death
The atoms that make up my body
Will remain
Slowly decomposing
To their raw parts
Until they are free.
Free to form some other thing
A plant, a rock, a fledgling bird
As I am made from past things
They will be made from me
So is there truly nothing?
I'm not sure
The question writhes in my mind
A curly question
The answer evades me
I can convince myself it's there
Then talk myself around
Some ideas are too complex
For my simple mind
Just too quantum to comprehend
My mutti
I have not always honoured you, as I should
Or been grateful for your endless love
Which was there on my most wretched day
The truth, for what it's worth, is I didn't understand you
I believed the poison dripped into my ears
By society and by my father
That by staying home to care for us
You were somehow worthless, lazy, stupid
I made fun of your German accent
When you pronounced words like chair or chicken
With all the blithe cruelty that children have
Oh how I wish I could take that back
You were there at every graduation, every concert
When I was sick you took me in your arms
And embraced me - wrapping your body around mine
And not leaving my side until my health returned
As I grew older, I started to notice you more
As a woman, as a person, as a friend
Hilarious and kind, silly and serious
The one constant in our uncertain home
I watched you pick up the pieces of crockery
And our hearts that lay on the floor
After Dad smashed them.
I lost count of all the times
I remember when we ran away to town
And stayed in the apartment of your friend
You and four small, frightened children
Trying to make him understand
But your family were oceans away
And you trapped by ropes around your heart
Your credit card, your children, you could only go back
Endure and bide your time
Years passed - in a series of storms, ever more violent
You waited - two kids left home
Then four, and you quietly made your plans
And one day you left too
Twelve years have passed
And with it, so much hurt
But you have survived and endured
And kept that wicked sense of humour
I think I understand you better now
And I love getting to know you better
My mutti - and it is the great joy of my life
To finally watch you thrive
Goodbye my lover
It was your eyes that first caught me
Moody brown, with a hint of violence and pain
They were catnip to my anxious heart,
Which yearned for that familiar ache
In those first weeks I was shy and giddy
High on the uncertainty of it all
Addicted to the thrill of not knowing
Desperate for you to feel it too
That first kiss was ecstasy, validation
Satisfaction after months of inner turmoil
You were mine. We had ensnared each other
Frantic and inseparable, drunk on desire
I blithely threw logic out the window
And surrendered my heart to you
Oh how right it felt, to know your scars
To see how they mirrored my own
For the first time I didn't feel broken
Or less than, or too fucked up to love
I didn't have to explain my father's temper
Or my fear of slamming doors and raised voices
At first, to be with you was pure bliss
We giggled, we played, we cooked
We travelled to foreign lands
We went to parties in fancy dress
We made a home together
Your TV, my plants, our furniture
Dinner on the couch
Groceries in the fridge
I don't know when the love started to die
It happened so slowly - it took years
Perhaps it was the moment we signed the lease
Or the first time you wouldn't visit my family
Maybe it was when I was ignoring you
Because I was afraid that if I opened my mouth
I would shout awful things, like my father
And see the hurt in your eyes
I tried hard to make it work, to make it better
But I didn't have a voice then
And a thousand small resentments festered
In the pit of my stomach and love turned sour
Still I tried, I don't give up on the people I love
Even when they make me feel small
And stupid, and like a waste of space
So I made excuses and tried again
And I know I hurt you, it was all I knew
Barbs and an acidic tongue
No-one ever taught me how to love
With grace and gentleness and respect
No-one taught you either
That is why we were doomed
It's not enough to have matching scars
When you are still drowning in their pain
And so we imploded
We smashed each other's hearts
We mauled each other's scars
Then ended with a whimper
I know better now and I'm sorry
I am grateful to have loved you
But I'm also glad to say
Goodbye my lover