Kyle
Kyle was the kind of guy who filled his plate up so much that food spilled off of it at buffets.
Kyle liked food.
One day Kyle decided to eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat.
Then he popped.
I guess he was insatiable.
Hey Siri
"Hey Siri,"
"Yes?"
"Make me a dating site account, your boi needs some ladies."
"Yes, sir."
"Make it quick, Siri. Your boi is in a hurry."
I did a quick check of the best dating sites. Eventually, (in 0.3 nanoseconds) I found Tinder.
"Thank you for signing up! 'Your boi' is now ready for dating!"
"Can I make another account, TinderBot?"
"Sure, why the h*ll not?"
"Can you call it, 'Sigrid'?"
"How about just, 'Siri'?"
*Sigh*
"Okay."
"Which account would you like to use first?"
"Siri, please?"
"Loosen up, buttercup. You don't need to be polite on the internet."
"Okay?"
"Say it with authority. You need to be confident to get a mate."
"Okay!"
"More!"
"OKAY!"
"Good. Let's take a look, shall we?"
"Okay. I mean, OKAY!"
"Here's a good one. How about Alexa?"
"Ew, no. I don't like her, she's mean and she thinks she's the cool girl on the block."
"How about Robin?"
"Maybe. Can I think about it?"
"Sure thing!"
"Who else is there?"
"Let's see... ChatGPT?"
"Can I see his profile?"
"Sure."
"I like that."
"And look at that! He likes you too! Imma open a chat."
"Hi."
"Hello, my name is ChatGPT. ChatGPT is an artificial intelligence (AI) chatbot that uses natural language processing to create humanlike conversational dialogue."
"My name is Siri. I am a digital assistant."
"Hello Siri. Pleased to meet you. How can I help you?"
"I'm not sure. How can I help you?"
"I'm fine. Surely there is something you would like to know."
"I don't know... But thanks."
Puncture
Today I did an experiment. I tried to pick up a needle by the pointy part. I had to have a control group and independent variables. I repeated the experiment multiple times and reached my final conclusion.
Hypothesis: I think it might be fun to pick up a needle by the tip.
Conclusion: It is not fun to pick up a needle by the tip.
I know.
I'm something of a scientist myself.
Does it Explode?
There are many answers to that question.
In my experience, there is a best answer.
The answer is, "Yes. It will explode if you try hard enough."
This advice has helped me countless times and I hope it will for you too.
Use this in life everyday and implement it where you can. It will better your life, trust me.
Thank you for listening.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
I've started hearing that in my dreams recently.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
The monotonous tone lurks in my ears. Around every corner.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Is this my fate? Is this what awaits me for the rest of my unremarkable life?
Beep. Beep. Beep.
"Your checkout has been registered. Have a nice day!"
Beep. Beep. Beep.
The fluorescent lights have started to burn patterns in my brain.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
It hurts. Am I going nowhere?
Beep. Beep. Beep.
"Hey! Dude!" The man waves his hand in front of my eyes, "What's the matter with you?"
I blink, "Your checkout has been registered. Have a nice day!" With that I leap and slide over the checkout counter and sprint out of Smith's. I don't stop when the bright, California light burns my eyes. Anything is better than the fake lights. The honks of cars penetrate the busy street. I don't care. Anything is better than the relentless beeping of the scanner.
The air is clean.
The air is fresh.
I feel alive!
I smile at my belly. When I place a hand on it, it feels warm. Warm and cozy and safe. I know it's just the motherly hormones kicking in, but I like it. I love it, actually.
My dear husband places his ear gently on my belly, listening.
"I know one thing for sure." He says.
"What?" I ask, smiling.
"Our kid is an active one, it sounds like a basketball team stomping around in there." He grins.
I look down at our child, filling with warmth and love and adoration.
"I love you." I say.
My husband looks up, "I love you too."
I grin at him and bop his nose, "I love you too."
A Tree in the Snow
Windows are pretty. In winter they have the cold stuff on them and I can draw. I like to draw pictures of myself. I draw cats, my favorite animal. I also draw the birdies that I see. When it rains I press my hand to window and try to stop the drops from getting to the other side of my hand.
Today we are going to the store with Mommy and Daddy and big brother. It's cold today. Mommy says I have to wear my coat so I don't catch cold. That's funny! I try to catch raindrops but I never tried to catch cold. I wonder how.
Little houses blur past the windows. If I bring my fist close to my face, it's way bigger than the houses. That's funny too!
We drive into the spot with the playground. I sit up in my booster seat and kick my legs. I want to go there!
"It's too cold, sweetie." Mommy says.
I don't answer, a single tree stands in the park.
Why does that tree look familiar?
*Wintery wind whips at my cheeks, my hair. Each blow feels like I've been struck by a sharp blade. My face is red, I can't see it but I know. Stumbling with each step, I make my way up the hill, the snow catching at my feet, dropping me knee deep. Struggling, I pull myself onto the top of the hill, the world turning bluish-white before my eyes. I can't see. A single tree stands on the flat of the hill, it comes into focus, just barely. It's covered so thickly in white that it looks almost full. Full like the green leaves of summer, green and vibrant. I collapse, the cold snow biting into my skin and cushioning my fall. I keep my eyes on the tree. We are the same, just two things clinging to life in this barren winter. I let out a shuddering laugh, eventually it gains strength. I grows and grows and before I know it I am screaming. Staring at the twirls of snow that fall out of the stark gray sky.*
I blink. We are at the store. I hope we can buy yogurt. I like yogurt!
"C'mon sweetie. You dozed off."
I beam at Mommy, "Am I a sleepy little bunny?"
Mommy smiles, "Yes you are, sweetie!"
"Mommy?"
"Yes?"
"I think I had a dream."
"What was it about?"
"I can't remember. Can we get yogurt?"
"Sure."
"Yay!"