Describe Yourself (I’m Still Scared To Use Hinge)
Pretty bitch (when it’s three am and i’m looking at myself in the mirror and my ego is getting the better of me, otherwise i think my face is too ethnic—the ancient aztecs would’ve loved me though—and too white at the same time)
Compulsive—
I compulsively and impulsively do things
(do i have adhd? should probably get tested so people stop asking)
I am staring at my body
At the funhouse mirror in the county fair
All long hair and petite and wide hipped
(some white lady once told me i had ‘mexican hips’ and i should’ve clocked her if she wasn’t so old and i’m still not entirely sure what that means but that’s a weird thing to say to a latin girl when she’s nineteen, no?)
I feel observed,
In public
Like I am constantly being baited into social error
I crave and detest attention
I like to read
(and at night i will gaze upon such nonsense it makes me sick and i begin to hold a personal grudge against Garth Ennis)
I want things I can’t have, (like, i want lemonade but not this lemonade, the lemonade from two summers ago)
Would you still love me if I told you everything wrong with me? If I told you my fixation on religious imagery stems from—
I like to paint
(if i love you i’ll make something in your image and also i can’t really remember when i was eight years old and my favorite color is a green i’ve tried to find my entire life and will probably never be able to see again because it was the center of a lake on a roadtrip through the yukon when i was small)
I’m young and dumb
(but i feel so old it hurts—I blame this ⅖ on the expectations of the religious sect—cult??? jury’s still out—and all the guilt and the violence that came with it and the other ⅗ on bad blood and familial tradition)
Would you still love me if I was a worm?
Would you still love me if I told you I couldn’t sit with my back to doors? Or that if I don’t check behind the shower curtain, I am confident that I will be Psycho-ed? That I can’t stand loud noise in or outdoors? That I am a slut but only of the soul, because I want you to eat my mind or some other dumb shit I might confess on account of a sleep-deprived high?
Would you still love me if I said men scared the living hell out of me? On account of the reception of violence from them since I was just a baby? That I once crashed my bike while trying to get away from catcalling and rode home with gravel stuck to my bleeding knee?
I’m good with animals and small children and my roommate’s cat literally won’t leave me alone
Would you still love me if I told you I hated vulnerability? That if I said I loved you, I’d immediately ask you to take me out back and shoot me? That I feel like I present the illusion of it and so people always tell me everything because I'm just so goddamn trusting? Because all people want to be believed.
(And, like religion, i believe until it makes me sick.)
That,
my favorite songs are Ethel Cain’s unreleased, and AC/DC, and Gaga and just about everything except country (best friend gets in my car and is stunned by the rapid switch from Danzig to Pop Smoke to Dolly)
and every sibilant sound that my mind latches onto
and i also latch onto you
I really like trees and the beach
(please want me,
please like me)
Morning Lecture
I knew her like the back of my hand—perhaps even better. Our morning routine was nearly choreographed: she showered while I shaved in our small bathroom. I swear I could read her mind with all the rambling she did in there. Sometimes I’d say something, sometimes I’d just smile and nod, but she wanted me there, listening, until she was finished and gave over the restroom. And let me tell you, with that bathroom heat, it was like a sauna inside!
Ah, her quirks. Oh yes, she wanted me right there, in the heat of hell, hated even a crack in the door in case a gust of cold air snuck in. Said it gave her chills. You know what I call it? Quirks. What was she talking about in there? What wasn’t she talking about, really? Planning her day, pondering what to eat, even mumbling crazy ideas for her stories, all in this perfectly chaotic symphony that, I guess, she understood.
Singing? I would have liked that, but no, she talked and talked, in a monologue of mental notes, oh yes, I have to do this before that, ah, I almost forgot what I left unfinished yesterday. And don’t you dare touch her towels, all neatly arranged in their designated spot and the bathrobe ready to slip into upon exiting. Of course, more quirks, an inch further and she couldn’t reach it from the shower, as if extending her hand a bit more bothered her.
As she left, I entered. Any affectionate words? Nah, her mental notes continued, occasionally extending towards me; remember to do this or that. A “yes, dear” or a nod would suffice, assuming her attention casually drifted towards me at some point. She’d take a good twenty minutes, insisting that washing her hair was a process, but I’d argue that shampooing and rinsing couldn’t possibly take that long. But hey, that’s just another one of her quirks. That time in the shower was her way of mentally prepping for the day ahead, even if it meant sacrificing a chunk of my time.
Meanwhile, as I bathed, she’d methodically dry herself off with her perfectly organized towels, all while listening to some online tech news or AI updates. And let me tell you, those themes always heated her up; whether it was about job security or the future of humanity, she’d express her dissatisfaction loud and clear, even above the sound of flowing water. Despite all of the criticisms, she’d be the first to join the bandwagon and replace me with the first intelligent android robot to be released.
When I stepped out of the shower, she was nowhere to be found. If I had asked her to wait for me while I showered, she would’ve probably rolled her eyes. Yes, folks, when I finally emerged, she had already devoured breakfast and was eagerly waiting for me to finish so she could brush her teeth. “Sorry for taking five minutes, darling,” I said sheepishly. But that day, when I emerged, there she was, waiting for me with a mischievous grin. It was my birthday, yes, that must have been it, she remembered. “No milk left, hun. Did you drink it all yesterday?” she quipped sarcastically. “Yes, guilty as charged. I chugged it all down, all the way, just like you drain my patience every morning.” But I love it. She treats me so candidly, showing all her quirky stuff and vulnerabilities. And that, my friends, that’s love. Or so I hope.
Prone To It
"I wonder how many passwords I may be able to guess with personal answers," I wondered aloud.
"...Now why even say that? I'm paranoid about anything I've ever posted online whenever you talk like that." Her unnecessary reply cut me.
"No, no, no - not like that. In the... I wonder how much of people, are people, online. You know?" I waved my hand in dismissal at the miscommunication.
[You always switch styles so fast. How did we go from hacking to how comfortable people are to be themselves in spaces you know relatively little about?]
Her blank face, like many, mirrors my confusion - or, highlights the difference between dismay at missed connections and dismissal of miscommunications. Let me try again.
"I'm not being... I mean, I'm not trying to be confusing. What I'm saying is, I just wonder which places and who feel comfortable enough, in today's day and age, to be really vulnerable. Like, in a safe way. When I say safe, I mean they won't become like, dangerously viral or have to join one of those support groups for people who have become viral. I mean, everyone we know in real life is naturally so interesting. I can't imagine they're hard to find online." Over animatedly, I wave my hands along with my speech in hopes I bridge the gap better with more body language. Layering!
[You love layers in fashion. Is that manly? Is that masculine, or feminine, or do you, 'not care'? I know you don't care, but others do. I would pay that some thought.]
"Yeahhh, I still feel like you hit the blunt and it hit you way too hard back." She smiles at me and leans in to me. "It's nice to be with a himbo sometimes, I love the way you look when you talk like that. I just wish it wasn't on such bizarre things sometimes. But that's what makes you, you, and I love you for it, too." Wrapping her arms around me, she squeezes me tight.
"I am not a himbo - I am a lady," I retort, in my black beater tank, farm-grade men's jeans, name brand (discount store) boxers... and sports bra, and ladies' socks, and women's glasses. Rule of three, babes. "I just performed a mental check. I am wearing at least three articles of women's clothing. I do not understand how that does not translate to you."
[You are so artistic!]
"Oh. Can a lady only describe herself in extremely convoluted, irritating, nonsensical, illogical, 'all looks like a scene from her life exactly', 'always comes off like a stream of conscious attempt at being deep', way, and come off Patrick Bateman in real life?" Her tone shifts to harsh from the previous soothing lilt.
"Yeah, babes. Prone to it. I also do not know if that aspect of me is changeable. I do not enjoy it myself, remember that." Mean tone, flat voiced reply.
"Like if I interviewed the American Psycho, you'd hit every mark except for you're like..." She gestures strangely with her hands. Not one to be gesticulative, I pay closer attention to what she says next. It will matter, I know that much. "...like... kind've - well, not in a rude way? But also like, the stereotypical snowflake. I have never met someone so sensitive yet so insensitive to how sensitive they are as you, while also being so vain the main way you chose to convey yourself was in a sort've interview structure. With two of yourselves."
[You are ill with many things.]
"...Okay. Anyways, want to take guesses on when the world figures out it needs an AI-backed translator for different communication styles? I really do feel that would be the single greatest shift in communications globally."
"No. Wanna hit this?" She leans up with the blunt.
"We'll do both," Is this the part of my personality that people tell me is 'steam rolling'? "Or - no, you're right. Lemme hit that. Fuck, I love a good legal state."
[You'll love feeling anxious afterwards. You wish it was lavender so bad.]
"Wait - no, I'll just get anxious." I pass the blunt back to her, unhit. "I've had enough already,"
"You had a puff that I don't know you even held long enough to get anything from." She stares at me deadpan.
"Okay - sure. Okay, yeah, you're right." Getting my gumption up, I grab the blunt back, and puff away at it.
[Too wishy-washy to not annoy her, too cowardly to admit I just don't want to. Malleable. Is sloth not a sin?]
"Does this count as sloth, babes?"
"Now how are we talking about sloths?" She caresses my face.
"Oooh... I don't know, now I see I'd rather speak about the beautiful woman in front of me." Tender Aphrodite... release me...
[What was your first thought, again? Where did we start?]
(Oh shit, haha, I stone you too when I get stoned?)
[Shister, shpace, please.]
(Are we not irritating?)
[We is only spoken as misery loves company. I am not irritating. I can see you irritating most of the world, though, sonny girl.]
(Sonny girl? Did you mean sunny girl?)
[Girl. Look how you are dressed. I said sonny instead of sunny for a reason. You also can't hear the difference when those words are spoken - you always make your own joke openings without realizing how they fall back on you. Given that, I still said what I said.]
(Alright. So. Back to reality. Let's work on making me less paranoid, right?)
[ ]
(Et tu, Brutus?)
[ ]
"Want to watch that one space time movie? Or, any move about time and space? Any sci-fi movies you like?" I ask her in a daze, her sweet, sweet arms around me sedating me.
"Um, not really."
STRESS MESS
The stress that is enveloping me is the fear of not knowing when these stress attackers will come to visit me again. They can surprise you at any moment - uninvited guests that have no boundaries and have unlimited brazenness. Their name is widespread amongst those who have been stricken in the past by this enemy, a gang known as'The Stressors.' They usually attack without any warning and take no heed of your pleadings to "go away, not now." They are a powerful gang and have complete control over their victims. They barge in unannounced and spread paralyzing fear to those who are most susceptible to their war- like attacks. They can break the strongest of men and take no heed of your status in life - whether you're rich or poor, strong or weak, young or old, male or female, college-educated, or a high school dropout. They can visit you for several seconds, countless hours, or remain for years and years. The damage they impart can be temporary or permanent.
You may receive some subtle warning that they are on their way to get you. Your breathing accelerates, your palms feel moist and you try to utilize resources that have helped you in the past. Some people have the strength and the luck to be successful and the enemy is forced to go into hiding/remission. But others, like me, have failed in the past and know that this time, 'The Stressors,' will win this war and that I will be powerless to confront or stop them. The full-fledged panic attack begins. My heart rate increases and rapidly goes out of control. I have tried counting the beats of my heart but I become so stressed out that I cannot concentrate and am unable to count past one hundred. Next, they climb into my chest and turn the volume of my beating heart up so loud that I can't hear myself think. Can you hear it from across the room?
The gang makes my now fragile heart pound so strongly that it pushes against the fabric of my shirt and I am positive that at any second it will rip apart, exposing my bare skin to the chilliness that has suddenly swept through the room and that all eyes will be upon me. I am now so cold that I can't stop shaking; my knees are knocking together and my teeth are chattering. What magic have they used to make my palms so wet? Palms so slicked with sweat that the papers I was holding have disintegrated into a messy mass of pulp. My limbs start to quiver and I am afraid that I will fall down and you will laugh at me.
The worst is the breathlessness - I know I am dying, but if I call 911 again they will most likely bring that psychologist in to talk with me and pretend that I am not nuts, but only need 'to rest a bit' in that brick structure down the road. My stomach is wound up so tight that it feels like a spring that is ready to release itself and tear my insides apart. I wrap my arms around myself and try not to cry. I feel a little sense of relief when I realize that my mouth is so dry that I couldn't cry or speak a word if I wanted to. My teeth ache from clenching them so tightly together and my nails have dug into my palms and have caused drops of blood to fall. Help! Am I going to bleed to death?
This mess of stress is trying to control my life and the nasty gang of Stressors is attacking me more frequently. I've spoken to doctors and have taken their pills. I've attended those 'mindfulness' and 'meditation' classes and have read hundreds of self-help books. I've tried so many breathing techniques that I've lost my breath. Nothing has worked to beat this relentless gang.
I want to go online and look up 'Stress-Busters' but I get so stressed that I might tap the wrong key that I can't make myself do it. But, I will somehow find the strength to click on the 'send' button and send this to you. Please let me know if you receive this - if not, I will be awake all night, wondering if you received this.
Thank You.
Don’t not Look Down
There's no way.
I look right, sheer wall. I look left, same thing. With my last ounce of hope I turn around, and what I find is an overwhelming sense of confusion, as if I was expecting a magic escalator out of this canyon. Stomach free-falls to my knees. Heart starts pounding in my throat. Legs go limp and I collapse into the dirt, narrowly missing a cactus. What was once an inkling of hope has now deteriorated into full blown panic. With fists clenched I start to hyperventilate; breathing as fast as my heart is beating. This is it. This was my last mistake in this life. I should have never rappelled down here. Tears disappear into the sand as I continue to gasp for air. I stare at the sky, thinking it will be the last time I see that beautiful blue.
It's intensely hot in this desert, but I start feeling cold. The lack of oxygen from shallow breaths dwindles my fire inside. Despair helps to weaken the flame by attrition. But before it finally goes out, something inside tells me to check again.
"What?"
"CHECK AGAIN! How dare you give up so easily!" Like I just smacked myself in the face.
My breathing starts to return to normal, tears have stopped falling, and the pigment returns to my palms as I release my clenched fists. I dry my eyes to take another look at my cage, but these walls may as well be glass. My rope hangs down 200 feet but I don't have the strength or the tools to climb back up it. With rock climber's eyes I scan again, searching for any possible route up.
Aha! There's hope after all! Hidden within the shadowy side of the canyon, two walls meet perpendicular to each other. A dihedral, off-width crack, possibly big enough to be a chimney. I must investigate further.
"Ok, deep breath." My strength returns alongside the fire in my soul. "I will not go down without a fi-- FUCK!" As I place my hands at my sides to help myself stand up, my left hand, at full force, slams into the cactus I barely missed when I collapsed. "MOTHERFUCKER THAT HURTS." I scream at the top of my lungs, then seconds later echoed back from the walls. Yelling that loudly made me feel even better, like I forcefully expelled the despair. Mumbling more swear words to myself, I remove the cactus spines. Once more I try to stand up, this time mindfully aware of the cactus.
Hand now throbbing, I make my way toward the dihedral. The closer I get, the bigger the crack gets. This looks like a chimney... even better. I feel so small as I gaze directly up the wall, but luckily I am the perfect size to fit into this off-width chimney and stem-climb my way up, the way I imagine Santa Claus gets back to his sleigh. I take my time inspecting every inch of the route, and I notice the chimney gradually gets more narrow towards the top. From my view, it looks like the narrowest part at the top will be my biggest challenge.
Heart starts racing again in anticipation. There's a weight in my stomach urging me to keep my feet on the ground, but I don't listen to it. This is the only way I can continue living, the only way I can see my family again. I reach down to grab a handful of dirt and rub my hands together to dry my sweaty palms. I wear my pack over my chest and tighten the straps, then commence my ascent towards freedom.
I am grateful this side of the canyon is shaded because it's made the sandstone feel much cooler to the touch, helping my hands stay dry. The chimney itself mysteriously makes its own wind current, but it's cooling me off. The beginning of this climb is wide enough to stem climb. My back rests on one side of the wall, hands pressed upside down next to my hips, and my feet smear vertically on the other side. To my right, the canyon, to my left, the dark slot of the chimney. I start inching my way up. This will help me conserve the arm strength I will need at the top. This type of movement is like a vertical crab walk; I place one foot above the other, use the counter-pressure from my hands to elevate my body, and then repeat, alternating my feet. I must always keep at least one foot on the wall at all times, otherwise I would fall face-first into the wall, and then straight to the bottom. I continue this trend upwards, the distance between myself and the ground ever growing. I only have my will-power to cheer me on. My left hand still hurts, but not enough to deter me from my goal.
With my eyes strictly locked forward, only looking at my shoes, I refuse to look at how far up I've made it. Instead I look up, and I'm met with a joyous fear as I see the width of the crack begin to shrink. Well, that must mean I'm almost to the top! And without thinking, I immediately look down to see how far I've come. The dizzying height makes me lose my focus, my hands instantly perspire and slip out from under me. My heart nearly jumps out of my chest as I scream in terror. I use the back of my head and shoulders to stop myself from falling further. I may have slid only a foot, but the shock itself made it feel like I was on my way to the bottom. Now I'm wedged in an uncomfortable position, with my head aching from smacking the rock, and a racing pulse in my throat. My feet sit well above my body with my shoulder blades and head pressed firmly against the opposite wall as my only lifeline. I hold back the tears, wipe these sweaty palms on my pants, and take a deep breath. I look out to my right and find the bright side; the view is lovely from up here. And my adrenaline has spiked to levels never felt before, giving me the high I need to continue.
I don't know how far it is to the bottom, but it wouldn't matter. It's far enough to remember every bad decision I've ever made on the way down. After I calm myself and remember my goal, I reassess the situation. I need to get my body back perpendicular to my legs. The only way is to dig my elbows into the rock behind me because my hands can't get enough traction from this angle. I push away the looming terror of there being nothing but 150 feet of air below me, ending in solid rock, and I focus on the 50-plus feet I have left to go. I clench my teeth, and yell loudly in pain as I use all my strength to get myself back to position. I can't see them, but I'm sure my elbows are now bleeding, like I painted a petroglyph that no one will see. I am out of breath. I want nothing more than to rest, but I can feel my strength fading. I must use this adrenaline boost before it wears off.
As I continue upward, I can't help but think how surreal a feeling this is; wedged between two monstrous rocks yet feeling like I'm floating on air. Death just one more slip away. If I could actually float, it would solve several of my problems. My knees are now pushing into the pack on my chest. This is as far as I go with the crab walk. I look up, and I guesstimate there's about 30 more feet to go. 5 more body lengths, not bad! I'm so close I can almost taste it, but I still have a long way to go. I feel incredibly scared, but almost proud of myself for how far I've come. No sense stopping now. I put my left foot under my hip, and push my body upwards, essentially standing up. I look down at my right foot, and see the only part gripping the wall is the toe. A scary sight as the drop looms beyond. I slowly bring myself back down to sit on my calf, and from this position, I can bring my right foot up to a more comforting spot. I'll sit here for a second.
I put my pack on the correct way, and after about a minute, I stand up again. The wind now blowing harder than it did on the ground. If only I had wings then I could ride this updraft to the top. Wish I had a Red Bull... No, stop daydreaming. For another 10 feet, I alternate my feet up the walls until I get to a point that is too narrow for my head. Now I will have to lean out over the drop. I felt safer stemming up between the walls. I'll be very exposed now. I summon all my climbing knowledge and decide that lie-backing will be the best technique. I will have to reorient my body the other way and walk my feet up the wall that my back has been resting on this whole time. Then I have to let my body lie back towards the floor of the canyon, with only my hands keeping me from the backwards free fall. Sounds like freaking fun.
My left leg starts shaking uncontrollably, known to climbers as the "sewing machine leg," felt when fear of the height outweighs the focus you should have on your body. This is not the time to have sweaty hands either. I just continue making the most efficient moves I know how to make, and eventually I forget about the leg, and it stops shaking. I place my right hand above my right foot, hoping the sandstone absorbs most of the moisture. Then, I point my left foot upwards and place my left hand above it, matching what I'm doing on the other side. I summon my inner Spiderman and pray that my feet don't slip out from under me. This is my crux: The hardest part of this entire ascent. I hold my breath. My back is facing the valley below, and in a desperate act of faith, I simultaneously fall backwards into the other wall and move my right leg opposite. Success. I can breathe again. Now for the real leap of faith. I slowly shimmy my feet out towards my left, and I inch my body towards the edge with them. With my left hand, I press my palm firmly on the wall next to my face. I turn my body so that I can use my right hand to grip the 90 degree edge of the crack; fingers pointing inside. I start to lie my body over the free fall as the sun pleasantly greets my face. Then gracefully bring my left hand beside my right. No time to waste, this expends a lot of energy. I find my sync and walk up the wall in rhythmic fashion.
15 feet to go. 10 feet... 5 feet... uh oh. I can finally see the desert carrying off to the horizon, but I seem to be stuck in this position. My feet are standing where I need to grab to pull myself up and out of this godforsaken hole. GODDAMNIT. My hands are starting to feel weak. I can feel them about to slip off at any second. Fuck it... I pull myself forward, and with my only attempt I stretch for the top of the cliff. My shoes give way to gravity, and as I begin to fall, my right hand catches on the edge. My whole body hanging on by one hand. I throw my left hand beside it, and do the only pull-up I ever want to do again. I lay there, legs still dangling off the edge, and I start to weep. I made it. I wipe my eyes, slowly stand up, and aim both middle fingers at what was once my prison. The place that could very easily have claimed my life. I never want to see a canyon again.
The Story Bone
I was blessed with a deformity. Linking my modulla-oblongata to my cerebral cortex is a story bone. I discovered this personal anomaly about six years ago, believing it to be just another part of a mostly scattered brain that seldom sees use, much like the part that is in there for the express purpose of deciphering poetry, or the way too thin slice that is supposedly dedicated to resolving algebraic equations; those sleepy sections of my brain which always lie lowest when called upon for duty, but I was wrong. It seems that for all of those undiscovered years this story bone I have was actually hard at work up there, collecting trivial data; facts, figures, moments, sayings, useful little behavioral oddities in myself and others. This little bone was observing, categorizing, possibly even unknowingly creating experiences to be gnawed upon at a later date. No one would have guessed there was something in there so hard at work. Well, maybe my mom might have guessed, certainly not my dad. My wife was absolutely flabbergasted to find that I had a bent for storytelling, but then we were twenty years “in“ when the bone was discovered, and my brain had given her few previous indications of activity… but then it wasn’t my brain she married me for, was it?
You have found your way to this site, so I will presume that you possess a story bone as well, though yours may still lie dormant, so that you have no idea what I am talking about. For this reason I will try an analogy to better acquaint you. With nothing else to compare this section of brain too, and having one currently lying at my feet, I have chosen to use a dog with a bone, thus the title. You have observed, I am sure, how when a free-willed dog happens upon a bone in the great out of doors she will pause before approaching it. She will circle it, inspecting it from many angles, giving it a wide berth and testing its scent before creeping still closer, her nose curious, her mouth watering, yet allowing her cautious instincts to remain predominant, as this is a confusing situation. ”Who,” the dog wonders as it creeps forward, “would leave a perfectly good bone right out here in the open where any dog that chances past might find it?” Who indeed? So the dog stops her creeping to take a sly glance around for a moment, her posture tense, her head lowered, her eyes raised wide, expecting… someone? But the way seems clear, and all smells kosher, so her nose sets back to working til she has crept overtop the bone. After one more quick glance she picks the bone up with careful incisors before dropping it again and taking a quick leap back, feeling out for booby-type traps. When nothing happens, emboldened, she will pick it up for real this time, harder, testing its mettle with her jaws. Satisfied she trots, prances more like, proud of her find to some more likely nearby locale where she can lie down in a dewy, grassy spot grown cool and thick under the warm morning sun. Here she will drop the bone again for another look around and give out a happy, slant-eyed pant before reaching a clawed paw to pull her treasure closer up between her knobby knees for enjoyments’ sake.
Now, hopefully you can see what I mean when I say “story bone”.
Because I am the same with a story as that dog is with her bone. Satisfied with this idea I have found I must take time now to gnaw over it, to claim ownership of it, and to give it a good working over until the delicious marrow is freed from it’s hardened shell to the delight of my more delicate senses… and hopefully to the delight of a reader’s as well, though that is not the end game. The real thrill is in finding that my curious nose was right! That there is something up there! Some indescribable sweetness inside that time-toughened shell of mine that has waited all this time to ooze satisfyingly out onto a late-night blue-screen. And I have used it enough now to know the bone is there to be dug back up at will and re-enjoyed, and oh, what a delightful pleasure that knowledge affords me.
I have a story bone!
Of course, I would like to write better, but not so much to the point that I would actually try to improve my writing skills. I mean, I have no interest in taking courses or some other such nonsense as that. It is more-so like a wish to be a better writer; a sophomoric fantasy like wanting to hit the big home run in the championship game, or to have the head cheerleader call me up after school one afternoon straight out of the blue. Writing better is one of those things that is never likely to happen, but is of little consequence regardless, as what I always was capable of was stealing home plate after a bunt single. And Meg Bell (who was certainly no cheerleader in the classical, nor costumed sense) did call me up after school one day with a rather incredulous offer, so… cheerleaders-schmearleaders, say I. Bigger ain’t always better! After all, in the grand scheme of things is a run scored not a run scored? Does it really matter how far the ball travels so long as you have rounded third base and are digging for home? Meg Bell would not have thunk so (but that is a different… and probably better story).
Say, where did I put that darned bone anyways?
But anyways, by wanting to “write better”, in my case I refer to the more refined aspects of writing; typing, spelling, sentence structure… the trivial technicalities of writing, those things that make a story easier for a reader to continue his navigation, and which possibly even makes the writing itself easier (I wouldn’t know much about that). You see, it is never my intent to write for perfection. I write for the juice of it… the marrow. I gnaw the bone. My words, when it is good, when they are good, come out of me with the build-up and force of an ejaculate. There is no time for punctuation. No room for worry. There is only a splatter on the page, with no thought of facial expression, or sounds made, or toes curled as the scene sets, watching as the character comes to life, waiting, his drama building. Not until “it“ comes, that is... the resolution; that deep breath at the ending, along with the realization that this thing that happened to my poor character did not and could not happen alone. There is someone here along with him to consider, someone coaxing him towards the final thrilling paragraph… a faceless, fantasy reader. Eee-cads! But I hope I have pleased this lover of stories as she has pleased me by riding along with!
And that is the time for sad reflection, the end. That is the time to recall the misplaced comma, or the run-on sentence, those uglinesses found in retrospection that will drive your reader into the welcoming arms of another’s words, and you to a lesser writing app where your short-fallings are as yet unrevealed. Proofing is not the fun part, though your reader will appreciate some careful, introspective examination of narrative styling and dialogue. Don’t be proud. Gnaw the bone. Skipping this step while caught up in a writer’s high is an easy though deadly mistake, and has embarrassingly driven more than one typo-prone writer away from Prose forever, thank God.
Fair warning: In your rush to share the tale, don’t fail to tell it well! Gnaw the bone.
I have been guilty of rushing myself, and most certainly will be again. I do get tired of proofing. Especially as my bigger OCD problem lies not with form or punctuation, but in seeking the perfect descriptive word, for the perfectly descriptive sentence. I am more particular about character names and settings than the reader could possibly care about. Those are the kinds of things I notice while re-reading and I change them, and change, and change them again while the poor grammar remains bleeding on the sidewalk in desperate need of resuscitation. It is good that I am not an EMT, else bodies would pile up while I straighten ties and re-apply lipstick.
I am very selfish with my story bone. I enjoy it best alone, so I dig it up in the early hours while the world sleeps. The bone is a fickle and moody thing, so I never know what I will get once it is unearthed. Sometimes it tickles me, and sometimes it makes me sad. Sometimes it is angry and sometimes grateful, or maybe those are my thoughts as I chew the fat of my mind, it is hard to say which, but no doubt it would not happen without the bone, so to it goes the credit. I have fashioned myself it’s tool, rather than the other way ’round. I do it’s bidding willingly, as I would miss it if it went away as I suppose it could, just as it appeared to me, dropped down from out of the ether.
So the credit for any success I have enjoyed through my Prose ramblings, the nine likes and two reposts, must go to my story bone, as I am nothing without it. It seeps the goods out while I merely chew and lick, and lick and chew until satisfied. And once satisfied I carefully re-bury the bone in its secreted spot so that it cannot be found by another. (Oh, to think of the joys Pooky-Bear might discover were she to happen upon my bone, and the stories she might tell from it, heaven forbid.)
So there it is, per ‘Ol Huck. If you want to be a writer, go to school and learn technique. But if it is stories you must tell, damning the formalities, then you‘ve got to be a dog. Go find your bone and chew it. Suck the life and marrow from it. Exhume it often and then re-inter it for another day.
So there. You are now in on the secret, and it is the only way.
Find your story bone, young pup, and give it a good gnaw.
Treating Sirens
Solis sat atop the bordering walls of the Great Albedion. Her legs dangled freely over its lunar stone face. She did not need sitting, but she sat. Her hair, with its fiery hue hung nearly as far as her feet, draping in front of her face so she watched the capital tiles below through its ribbony slits.
It was snowing—without the sensation. Crystal snow against her face and the faces of her friends. Like tiny bubbles caressing their hairs. If it was a substance meant to be felt then she’d lost the ability to do so long ago. She’d been getting used to this thing called apathy...
But the words escaped her mouth anyway, in a foreign way: “Aren’t you getting tired of this?”
Below her, Freeder crouched over the tiles patterned upward to look like grass—it was incorporated in her training, to know of things like ‘grass’. A crazed smile on his face like he were laughing at a distant memory, always.
She supposed the question wasn’t meant for him. Solis leaned to her left, then tilted her head so her hair fell away from her eyes. She kept them open wide as she placed her gaze on Zen. He was fascinating to look at. Short black hair and dark focused eyes like he always knew what he was looking at and why.
He watched Freeder continue to paint. Though in his hand, Zen rubbed the flat of his weapon—a black dagger to match the rest of his look.
The question was his now, but he did nothing with it for a long while. Then finally—“Years ago”—he answered. Sheathed his dagger, then its chain. Then turned to face her and returned a question: “Wanna quit?”
It burned to hold his gaze. She didn’t like when he stared back at her, but liked Zen, so she held his stare as long as she could. Then set her sights back on Freeder in the fake field.
His hair brown and wavy and almost catching his shoulders. She liked to pull his hair and watch the curls pull back. In a way, Freeder was focused too. Solis saw it in the way he held his painting tools. His hands steady and fluid as they traced over cheekbones and earlobes. He dipped his utensil in some more of the blue scattered across the tiles and kept going.
Freeder’s weapon was his painting tools as the chained dagger was Zen’s. Solis’s weapons weren’t meant for her hands. They were meant for her mind, but this was preoccupied now.
“Quit.” She thought, loudly. She’d never considered it before. Or maybe she had, some time before she’d lost her focus. ‘Before the incident’ is what Zen would’ve said, but she didn’t remember any incident.
“Yes,” said Zen. “I mean: be free. Free from all of this.”
The crystal snow became loud in her ears. A sensation she felt. “How...”
A faint siren lit her vision. She shook her head; shook it away.
Looking at Freeder’s canvas from her vantage point, Solis decided she didn’t like this planet very much. Maybe it was the sensationless snow or the blue of its people’s blood, or the way her mind seemed to unravel the longer she stayed.
“We can pay our proprietors a visit. And kill. Not for them but for ourselves. To free ourselves.”
But then Solis would have no direction. She would have to allow her thoughts to burst down every road and try to follow. Her mind would have to unravel further until she would fall apart.
“No!” She yelled, shaking her head, stripping away the sensations. She did not want that.
The Parentals gave them order. They gave them targets. A place to go and people to kill. She did not have to think this way.
“You used to want this, Solis. We used to fight for it.” He turned to her, his eyes blazing. “To be free. Remember,” he urged her, but his words painted violent sirens across her head—their lights and their noise. It hurt. He was hurting her.
She shoved him. “No!” Why had she asked him silly questions? Zen’s brain was not like hers. It knew things. Knew its path. It did not try to stretch itself apart.
She stood and backed away from her friend, taking a battle stance that felt comforting. The crystal snow picked up between them. He mirrored her, ready for her attacks, always.
She readied her blades, they flitted by her back in the shape of a bird’s wings. Many blades working separately, but held together by her mind. They spread on either side of her, pointing their fangs at Zen, but she didn’t want— she never wanted to attack him, even the times when she did, so she screamed in anger.
She felt Freeder’s eyes on them. He would understand. Zen had said the incident had changed him too. His mind used to work like Zen’s and now it was fractured like hers.
The Parentals were punishers in this way. They’d set their children on planets that needed treatment and release, but the three of them had received treatment before too. Zen had told her himself. And Zen had received it too. That was why he could not fight for long. He needed sitting.
He should be sitting now. Not thinking. He looked tired.
She shook the sirens away.
A streak of blue paint cascaded down the air between them. Freeder’s paint. He stepped through it, crouching upon the Great Albedion even though he used to be below. His paint acted as a tunnel, ridding away long distances of space within the time it took him to flick a stroke.
When he stood, he faced her. His smile aimed at nothing as he watched a spot of nothing. But he was against her; their thoughts were united against her. She screamed again.
“I’m sorry,” Zen said, “I won’t bring it up again, until you’re—... until—”
He gulped then. His face twisting. Pain from inside him unleashing. It was the Parentals’ treatment. Like her sirens, and Freeder’s smile. This was why he should be sitting. But that’s not what he did. It was in a second that all his energy gave out at once. Freeder acted first, lunging his leg back with his strange fluidity, he caught Zen with his calf then pivoted to face him and rested him gracefully down.
Solis was beside him in an instant, her blades clattering to the ground in whichever way. She cradled his head, watched his crystal cold sweat. Freeder slid his painting tool from his ear and tried to use Zen as a canvas. Solis roared at him and tried to slap away his hand, but he dodged and grinned at her.
Pinks and reds and lightning whites shot blades through her brain. They tinted her sights. She needed guidance. Someone to tell her what to do or where to go or how to help him. The parentals were her direction, but Zen was her stability. He was the ground that kept her standing.
Not Solis. Zen needed help; he needed treatment. But this treatment was eating him.
She was cold.
The snow was cold, and she was scared, and they were all in pain, and she finally understood.
It was not treatment that they needed, but release.
Chapter Two
Beck could not believe what he was seeing. There was a woman, alone in the hotel hot tub with her back to him. She was on her knees, facing one of the jets, writhing rhythmically. How did she not hear the gate latch as I entered? He wondered as he stood in awe of the erotic spectacle before him.
Instantly he felt torn as to what to do. Should be make some kind of noise and let her know she was no longer alone? Be a gentleman and just leave quietly? The problem with those two options was that they both required he stop watching. He simply could not. A woman experiencing pleasure was a beautiful thing to behold. He was mesmerized. However, his guilt grew in tandem with his arousal and he knew it was wrong to watch without her knowledge.
From her body language, Beck could easily tell she was nearing orgasm. She was irresistibly gorgeous in this uninhibited state. He sighed. Almost regretfully he loudly cleared his throat to alert her to his presence. She startled in such a dramatic fashion, a laugh involuntarily erupted from him. However, she did not hear it because she was briefly underwater after falling from her “position”.
As she surfaced, her wet hair plastered against her face. She hurriedly tried to push her hair out of her eyes and simultaneously struggled to adjust her bikini. Beck thought she looked like a sexy, frustrated octopus. He also thought it was just about the cutest damned thing he’d ever seen. She refused to look at him and was blushing furiously. Beck wondered if she may say something to him, but she remained silent, suddenly still and looking pensively at the water.
Recognition suddenly clicked for Beck. Ava. Her name tag read ‘Ava’. She was at the conference mixer earlier. He did not get the chance to personally meet her, but he certainly did notice her. He was sure that every male there had noticed her.
“Ava, right?” Beck asked as he eased himself into the hot tub.
She froze and stared at him.
”I’m Beck. Nice to meet you.” He winked at her.
After a few awkward moments, Ava rose and made her way out of the hot tub. Beck did not look as she wrapped her towel around her and gathered her belongings nearby. He heard her quietly swearing as the gate swung shut behind her. Beck could not stop grinning as Ava left. Her flip-flops slapping as quickly as possible through the breezeway.
Chapter One:
https://www.theprose.com/post/814695/chapter-one
Sharpshooter
Sharpshooter
The sun was high about mid-afternoon, and my back was starting to hurt because of the long ride on my horse. It's hard trying to find someplace new. Just over the horizon, I see a tall church and a water tower. I hope this town is better than the last. I ride into town. It's small and not really what I'm used to but it´ll do fine. Everything in this town is on one big dirt road: a church, jail, general store, and a saloon. The saloon looks rundown yet lively, there’s music and people yelling just my kind of place. I push open the door and I’m hit with the stench of smoke and hard liquor. Poker tables line the walls where guys are lining up to play. Every table is full and flipped tables and chairs block the path to the bar. I maneuver around the overturned tables and chairs to the bar, it’s cleaner than I expected it to be in a shaggy place like this. I ring the bell and an older gentleman comes limping out of the back. He has a thick white mustache and a bald spot on his head.
“What can I get you, sir?” He asks I look up at the wall with all the liquor.
“I’ll take some whiskey,” I say
“Coming right up.” He ducks under the counter and grabs a glass and starts to fill it.
“Oh I meant the bottle, I’ll take the bottle,” I say. He seemed a little surprised but he handed it over.
“Do you by any chance know where I could get a room”
“Why absolutely, we have rooms upstairs you can get room 5,” He says, “Upstairs straight down the hall.”
I take the whiskey bottle and head up the stairs. I wobble down the hall and open the door. It smells like smoke, it’s a small room with a bed in the corner, a coat rack, and a side table by the bed. I walk over to the coat rack and take off my hat and gun belt, I walk over to the bed and jump on the mattress, it molded to my back and it feels great on my back I begin to shut my eyes. I awake to the sound of gunfire outside. I hop out of bed it’s now dark and I can’t see a thing anymore. I feel for the wall and follow it to the coat rack. I grab my gun belt and put it on. I look out the window, the road illuminated by the midnight sky and the flash of burning gunpowder. I head for the door and as I’m about to turn the handle I hear voices outside the door. I put my back against the wall next to the door jam waiting, a shot goes off and the door flies open. Two men run into the room which is now being lit up by the hall light. Both men are built one taller than the other. I draw my revolver and walk in front of the door.
“Okay, fellas what’re we doing in my room,” I yell
“Well well, why don’t you just scram,” the taller guy said with a little fear in his voice, their facial features looked almost identical like brothers.
“You trying to rob me?” I ask.
“Course we are, why do you think we’re here,” they say, “I wouldn’t mess with us boy, we're in the Goodman gang.”
“That supposed to mean something to me?” I reply I ain’t too sure what the Goodman gang is but they can’t be that good if I caught them breaking into my room.
“It will in a minute boy,” the small guy says, “We are gonna kill you.”
“If you were gonna do that you would’ve already done it,” I say, I reach for my gun and unclip it from my belt hoping to scare them off before I have to use it.
“Fellas I suggest y’all leave now,” I say.
“How about no!” they yell.
The Taller guy charges at me. I draw my gun and shoot him twice he falls to the floor with a thud my ears start to ring. I feel a large force tackle me and when I open my eyes I see the short guy standing over me with a knife in his hands.
“Shouldn’t have done that” he says.
He brings his arm up ready to stab me, I kick his leg out from under him and he loses his balance falling and dropping the knife. I stand up and grab the knife from the floor and throw it down the hall. I turn around and see him in the corner of the room holding the coat rack. I grab the small lamp on the side table.
“We gonna do this or are you gonna sit in the corner all day” I yell.
He runs at me with the coat rack but trips over his buddy in the middle of the room. He lands on the coat rack and winces in pain. I bring up the lamp over my head and smash it across his stomach. Broken glass goes everywhere. I turn to the bed and grab the sheets where I tie him up. I limp out the door and down the hall to find help, at the bottom of the stairs I look where the bartender is and see his lifeless body draped over the bar.
“Damn, that was a nice guy,” I say to myself.
“Yeah, he was,” a voice says. I look over to the far wall and see a man sitting at the poker table with his hat just over his eyes. He groans as he gets up from the table. He's tall and older, probably in his 40’s with a black suit, hat, and gold badge.
“Sheriff,” I ask,
“Yeah that’s me, Sheriff Mitchell,” He says, “You new around here.”
“Yeah and I don’t mean no trouble or nothing but there's a few guys upstairs for you.”
“They dead?”
“One is for sure the other was still breathing,” I say, “ Who were those guys anyway they said the Goodman gang?”
“They’re the gang that thinks they own this town”
“What are they after I ask,” I say
“Ever since we killed their gang leader a few months back during a raid they have terrorized the city,” He says.
“I need a job,” I say, “You need help protecting these folk I’m your guy”
“Okay you start tomorrow,” he says.
We shake hands and he walks out of the saloon, I turn to head back up to my room, I open the door and see the mess I’ve made. The room is completely trashed, the lamp and the coat rack are still laid out on the floor, a pool of blood formed where the tall guy lay, and the short man groaned. I shut the door and head back downstairs. I walk towards the bar and take a bottle of whiskey off the shelf. I see some apples under the counter too so I grab those and put them in my pack. I walk outside the saloon doors and go around back where I greet my horse. I pull out the apples and give them to him. I found a pile of hay to crash for the night, I popped open the bottle and started to drink myself to sleep.
I wake up to a horse's face against mine startled. I jumped out of the haystack prepared to fight.
“Woah pal settle down,” he said, “you wanna help me with the Goodman gang well lets go”
He throws a rifle into the hay bale. I pick it up and sling it over my shoulder.
“Where are we headed” I ask
“Well since you were late getting up they’re gonna be here any minute,” He replies, “I need you on the top of the saloon.”
Without hesitation, I turned to the rusty ladder that led up to the roof and started to climb. There wasn’t much on the top of the roof other than the slight cover the sign gave. I peeked over to see the sheriff sitting on a rocking chair near the General store. I hear the sound of horses coming in fast and sure enough to the south of the town, there are 7 men on horseback riding into town. I see them hitch their horses at the General store. All of them get off and approach the sheriff. They start to yell but I can’t make anything out. I watch as the sheriff goes into the General store. Suddenly a shot rings out and one drops on the porch of the store. All the gangsters open fire on the general store. I unload my rifle in their direction. I can sense the fear as they get on their horses and run. I get up running towards the ladder and I slide down as quickly as I can. I sprint across the road, my heart still pounding with adrenaline. I stop at the porch staring at the door now riddled with bullet holes. I swing open the door to see the sheriff lying on the floor.
“Sheriff where are you hurt,” I say blood pooling around his body he lets out a groan and I kneel beside him.
“You’re going to be ok,” I say.
He takes the badge off his shirt and hands it to me with his final breath he says, “Go get em”
Right then I was given a purpose to find the people who put him through this, I will find them and I will kill them.
Three Men May Keep a Secret if Two of Them are Dead
Three Men May Keep a Secret if Two of Them are Dead
May 14, 2024
Bob looked nervous. It wasn’t his job to drive the truck today. It wasn’t his job to drive the truck at all. The light took a long time this morning. Facing uphill, in a double clutched stick, hoping his cargo didn’t shift, hoping his truck didn’t stall, all occupied Bob’s thoughts.
The baby carriage rolling across the street should have instead.
Phillip knew the gig was up. He heard his associates saw him talking to a cop. As such, Buffalo was no longer his stomping grounds. He could take a bus or a plane or a train out of the city. He might even get away with this, if he was lucky. Instead, Phillip opted for a more reserved approach. Instead of riding, he drove. They would never be looking for a cab driver or a school bus driver. All he needed was to get past I-90 to Niagara Falls or take I-90 to Erie. Neither would be a good idea on a school bus. In a cab, either may work.
Simon was adverse about prison as anyone would be. He knew of two loose ends and two fixers he could afford to guarantee they would not be loose for much longer. Bob’s family was his life. His little girls provided little in the way of resistance when apprehended on the way home from school today. His fixers sent the message and Bob would understand. He would not like the message, but he would like the mess even less.
By 3:30 that afternoon, the stroller’s owner, a young mommy with a handwritten note addressed to Bob, initiated a predictable response. Bob’s truck rolled down the embankment, backwards, into the path of a fixed 1000 pound LPG tank. The collision led to a fire which led to a series of explosions. The resulting BLEVE incinerated the remains of the driver and the truck he drove.
Simon tipped his fixer for a job well done.
However, Phillip was not as easily persuaded by his ex-wife, now held in captivity. She held a grudge and kept secrets, but only as entertainment would she prove useful. She would be tortured for information and disposed of as fertilizer. Phillip didn’t care. He viewed Simon as an exit to alimony. Kill her off were his last words on the diner’s pay phone.
This left his sons as leverage. Both were grown and deployed overseas on a destroyer and a submarine. In Simon’s time frame, they were untouchable. That would be problematic. Phillip could evade pursuit confident of Simon’s impotence with kidnapping. Simon would just throw more money, hire a few more fixers, perhaps even activating a sleeper, all to locate Phillip.
It had to be done and it had to be done soon.
And by 10pm that day it was.
Phillip came to call on an old girlfriend in Erie, PA for dinner. She was always up for a free dinner and conversation. Someone had anticipated this and waited. It only took a single shotgun blast and both bled out on the pavement. The shooter disappeared into the night. The police found no reason to investigate what they already were told not to investigate. A few collected envelopes with cash. A few more more a notch or two higher on the next promotional list. Simon learned of the confirmed hit and retired early for the night. His trial would begin next week and he would not have to increase the presiding judge’s allowance after all.
His secret safe forever. His actions merely justifiable as insurance, proving once and for all, Ben Franklin’s words of wisdom are more than just a phrase in some almanac somewhere.
Today, these words had more life than those who should have read them.