“the note and the sender” (part 2-last)
″Linkable: Being capable of being linked with or to something.
Or, capable or worthy of being linked to”
I struggled through my walls to get to you. But it wasn’t a case of mental boundaries that hid in my head or the ones that corrupted my heart or played with my mind.
I thought against the walls that stopped me from getting to you, from crashing against its surface and being free. I wanted to break those walls, but they weren’t just separating me from you, they were excluding me from this world that I used to live in. Side by side with you. Standing against everything that was bad in it. You were my protector and helped me get through and made me so happy.
And then unexpectedly I got lost and trapped between worlds. The fifth dimension sucking me in without warning. No signs attached. Just an invisible barrier separating me from you. So I thought and struggled five years to get back to you.
To let you know I was alive, even if not so well. And there behind the curtain,
I met people that wanted to help me, that were stuck too. Separated from their loved ones and friends. Never aging, never moving forward. Lost in the between our worlds.
Parallel alternatives that had no right to exist. The shadow lands of “almost” and “just on the edge of everything”, playing with the ones that took the wrong turn and fell into the whirlpool of time and space. That landed in the between of here and then.
Forever nonexisting in the grey area.
On the verge of light in the place where there was no tomorrow.
The area that was designed for lost souls...
even if it was always meant to be empty.
And this was the place where I have fallen into and couldn’t get past for five long and excruciating years. I fought against the “wall” and they helped me, so I could get back to you. So I could return to the man I loved. To my real world. The land of the living.
It wasn’t easy... but what is these days, right? I latched on to the thought of you... grabbed on to my hope and sent a letter... a small note... that was all they could carry through the barrier.
But it took longer than expected and the note fell in right with me. Dabbing and digging through the portals and intertwined worlds that surround us. The place that we could only feel and never see... but here, where I was... I could see them as clearly as I see my own hand. Twinkling at me from every corner, beautiful and at the same time mocking me, taunting my every nerve and sense that I had. The universe’s family laughing at me every time I lost myself in the distractions and forgot about you...
But I had friends and they helped me, even if they struggled more than me. Lost in the Neverland for days, months, years... and even decades. They knew how to deal with the nothingness that surrounded us. Putting a blanket of emptiness against our tired minds and worn out bodies... that never really changed or aged... they just faded from the passage of time. Because time had to affect us somehow, for it did pass in the other worlds. As it did in yours... I kept my sanity by counting that lost time, by talking with my friends and he that kept me in one piece. You and the note...
It was supposed to get to you sooner... and yet I think that it waited somehow for me...
as if without my love for you it couldn’t break through the walls, it couldn’t crash the shadow world. I saw it disappear into the oblivion but never imagined that it would get stuck too... that it needed a push from me... and then one day I felt stronger as if something had finally changed. I felt it. Felt the barrier open just a bit and I slipped through it without even blinking... in an effortless way, quieter than the softest whisper.
As if the door was there all along but I never really saw it...
wasting my time banging on the wall. And now I know why... you finally picked up the note. You finally saw the door that I have been missing for so long. So I grasp the wall by the edges and step back to the land of the living and pass the other side... the right side, where you are... I see you as if not a single day has passed. My note close to your face. Your eyes closed. Pain and relief fighting for the main attention.
I guess you found my note? - I ask and notice you stiffen. As if somebody had just electrocuted you... and pushed a dagger through your heart. I swallow. I missed you so much. My only light in the otherwise starless sky.
That’s not... - you say slowly and a long, pained sigh escapes my lungs. Oh, how I wanted to hear that voice again.
I know, baby...but it is me. Even in this crazy world that we live in, miracles still happen.
I watch you clench your fist, trying to build a wall of your own. This really kills me... that I am the source of this unnecessary pain. I don’t want you to hurt. You didn’t deserve this. I look at you and whisper as gently as possible as not to scare you.
I’m sorry that the note got so late to you. I wrote it years ago... But something failed and they couldn’t send it then. It took so long before it broke through the wall...
I still stare at you not able to break away my eyes from you. Never wanting to stop. Not now. Not after everything I had to get through... you look up at me, and your expression changes from shock to surprise... your eyes filling with love and warmth that slips into my soul, and turns on a light that I thought was no longer there. I gasp, feeling my heart beat again for the first time in years... just a shadow of its former self before.
How is this even...? - You asked still confused. I can’t say that I blame you.
It’s complicated Mark, I wouldn’t know where to start...At times I don’t even believe it myself - It’s true. I still don’t. The enormity of the concept too overpowering for my mind. Not possible and yet true.
You can’t be real...you’re gone...the police... - you shake your head and my heart breaks all over again.
I know, but I’m here now...and you have no idea what it took me to get back to you - No idea indeed. I shiver slightly.
Where were you all this time? - You ask and I can see your defenses breaking, though I know you are fighting with yourself. I imagine your life without me and a realisation hits me over the head... of coure.
You probably have someone else in your life now... - I barely manage to say but smile because I can see you again, because you are no longer just a mirage in my head - but I just wanted to say that I’m back...
I hold my breath as I see your even more confused expression. Somehow feeling like you might run away from me... but you don’t. You reach me in seconds. Wrapping your strong arms around me. Making me feel at home. I lean into you and I start to sob as if my heart was just about to be torn into a million tiny pieces. I look up at you through the tears and smile as you kiss me gently. The sweet taste of your lips breaking all of the walls that ever surrounded me. Finally, I can breathe again.
Once again sharing the same world with you.
I promised that I would come back...
I don’t think you ever really left.
for coming back love
the note (part 1)
I lean down and pick up the crumpled note.I look around if somebody might have just dropped it but there is no one here. I throw a quick glance again, filling a bit guilty and
I unfold the little piece of paper.
I promise I will come back
for you Mark
I freeze for a moment, a bit dazed. I look around again as If there were hidden cameras somewhere and this was some kind of a joke. I look at the note, shaking my head and taking a deep breath. This was my name...and the love of my life...Samantha...I close my eyes and try to calm myself. Just a coincidence, nothing more. I lift my hand and without thinking I put it to my nose, inhaling deeply... daisies and roses.She smelled like that.Exactly like that.I open my eyes again. This couldn't be true.I look at the gentle handwriting and the small letters.Not possible.
I haven't seen her for years...because she disappeared, just like that.Without any warning, no signs. She was gone.All of her family, friends and the police looking and searching for her, for months.Without any result. It's been 5 years and no one has seen or heard anything about her. Her loved ones still believing that she would come back.There was no body...so there was no death.That's how they saw it. That's what I hoped for but pretended that I didn't. It was easier. Denial was easier.It made the breathing thing more bearable. It made it possible to survive without her in my world.
I stand there in the middle of the sidewalk,not moving, or blinking. Standing there like a statue. Lifeless...and then my hand loosens up, my fingers losing tension.
The little note falling to the ground. I stare at it without thinking, the wind gently moving it and lifting it in the air. The note making little circles, as if it was dancing, toying with me. Mocking...and disappearing behind the corner of the building.
A shiver runs down my spine and I shake out of my dead state.I start to walk, catching speed with every second, breaking into a run. My legs caring me faster than ever before. I almost lose my breath running, but I don't care. I have to catch it.Now.I reach the side of the building and notice the little piece of paper, swirling on the sidewalk, like it was already tired and needed to take a rest. I run to it in just a couple of swift strides and quickly pick it up before it can fall into the drain.I grab it and unfold it.
"...I will come back for you..."
I swallow hard and my eyes start to sting. My heartbeat starting to rise. This couldn't be true. She was gone. This note could have been for anyone...and it could be from some named Simone, Sara or something ridiculous and cute like Sally.I smell it again and there it was. Her smell.That could only belong to her. No one else.
I guess you found my note?
My whole body stiffens when hearing that voice.The voice that I thought I would never hear again. I close my eyes, considering insanity and other unwanted possibilities. Confused at what really going on around here. If it was a dream, or was it a nightmare that was about to crash me?
That's not... - I start uncertain and here a long sigh filled with pain.
I know, baby...but it is.Even in this crazy world that we live in, miracles still happen.
I don't say anything, let alone manage to think straight.I was going mad and need help from a professional and quick...and then I hear her voice again, like soft velvet against my ears.Gentle and apologetic.
I'm sorry that the note got so late to you. I wrote it years ago...But something failed and they couldn't send it then.It took so long before it broke through the wall...
I finally look up at the source of the sound, too tired to fight with the basic instincts that told me I needed to see her...even if she was just an illusion, a figment of my imagination.Even if everything was happening only in my head and I was going to wake up in some kind of asylum tomorrow.I had to see her, just once...The images of her blurred by the years gone and the passage of time...my heart starts to pound faster as I look at her beautiful face. My eyes grow wider with every second trying to take in the bigger picture. her long brown curls cascading down her beck,resting on her slender shoulders...she looks thinner then I remember, her face more tired, dark circles under her eyes. And yet she never looked more breathtaking.
How is this even...? - I start to ask, once again lost for words.
It's complicated Mark, I wouldn't know where to start...At times I don't even believe it myself.
You can't be real...you're gone...the police...
I know, but I'm here now...and you have no idea what it took me to get back to you.
Where were you all this time? - I ask, for the first time toying with the idea that this could be true and yet not let myself truly believe it.
You probably have someone else in your life now... - her voice cracks at the last word and yet she still manages to smile at me - but I just wanted to say that I'm back...
I stare at her,disbelieve that this was the thing that she was worried about,I move swiftly to her without even thinking and wrap my arms around her tiny body and inhale deeply, deciding I will never let go of her again. She leans in and starts to sob.
I can tell that she has been through a lot. I lean down and kiss her lips. Feeling the happiness sipping through my body and for the first time in five years, I feel like I can breathe again.