used to dream about waking up my sleeping heart
it woke up with a roar
it rained and poured for a year that turned and twisted
lives packed into one
and with a slow aching dramatic spiral
it went into its cave
now i stand at the gate
waiting for it to move
to make a sound, to look towards the light
i reach towards it and it cocoons further
so i sit at the gate
I didn’t know how to get to the other side
Now I don’t know where to go from here
Undeserving of an ordinary life
Roads going into the wood leading nowhere
Is there an escape from this?
Or am I doomed to forever wander these roads
Of the could haves and should haves
The path paved with stones of melancholy
How do I escape from this?
Running hard with the invisible hands pulling me back
Into the grey clouds
Of loneliness, regret and nightmares
Close my eyes tightly
Only to wake up to the echoes
Of my own head
it used to scare me
i felt i was running behind catching up
surely i should have done more by now
seen more by now
felt more by now
to be still running
to be still hoping and dreaming
is a privilege
i can play the catch up game all life
we all are
just keep me running
just keep mine running
I like the moments just before you fall
When you’re at the precipice of something
When it’s too soon for you to be thinking of the future, the why’s and the how’s
When uncertainties don’t matter
All that matters is the anticipation
Promising a warm future
When your lungs feel full of breath
When you allow yourself to imagine what it could be like and soak in the possibilities
Without the shackles of life
Allow yourself to be caught up in the presence of them
Allow yourself to be reckless with your heart
Playing the strings to release some of that breath in your lungs
And fall asleep with a smile on your face
But just a promise that you can feel in your being
That you’ll be okay
If you’re still capable of feeling this way
Then maybe you’re not broken after all
You’ll be okay.
And all feels well.
Jealousy has wrapped me in it's tempting arms.
Everywhere I look around, each scroll on the screen of my phone
takes me to a place in my head where everyone is better than me
It's like I'm in a room full of people,
lost in the fuzz of people moving briskly ahead in their brilliant directions
All my thoughts puckering into existence
make a beseeching appeal to the universe to make it all better
I look for the yellow road with my name on it only finding a thousand paths
swirling into one another
until I can't make one out from the other.
'Me. me! Pick me!'
'.. but what about me?'
The yearning to be someone turns
into a haunting realisation of mediocrity
The weight of being no-one in the midst
of the glory of others pulling me down
further and further
Until I cocoon into myself
crippled with fear,
dark clouds hovering over my head
Afraid of finding out what the future holds
in the chaos of the universe.
Sometimes I have ugly days. Not my face. Me. My thoughts. My heart.
I have days when cracking even a single smile seems like too much effort. When the world seems too bleak, people too selfish and the blue of the sky only appears to be a
never-ending grey. Days when i can't get myself to care. When no candle, no fire, not even the vastness of the sun seems enough to illuminate the darkness that settles inside of me. When i just lie, floating away with the waves, ready for the big wave to come and take me away, if it must.
When every word that I have to force out of my mouth seems to drain me off all the energy, how am I ever going to be able to muster up the words to explain to you why my eyes look void of light, my steps limp, and my love invisible.
Please give me a day.
Tomorrow i'll be back to the chirping and the jumping, but today,
I need the silence
Today, I must rest.
I know you from your words
Not your hands
Recognize you and the matters of your heart
From the punctuation marks
And not the cadence in your voice
So when my mind decides
To conjure up a memory of you
It's your name that I see flash
In the window of my mind
And not your face
"this conversation is encrypted on both ends"
It's wrapped in a special place in my heart
Cushioned by hopes and dreams and
Almost(s) that threaten to prick it sometimes
A beginning and an end entwined together
Intangible, for no one else to see
Fragile in its nature
That could never survive outside
Of the refuge of my mind.
Sometimes I just feel like telling him,
'I like you.'
Because there's a shy, small part of me that believes that that could be a beginning to something wonderful.
But a bigger, louder part of me recognises it for the tremendous mistake that it would be.
So I press backspace.