SHAME ON ME
"Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage."
—Brené Brown
@MisterEnigma and I are soulmates. Period. Throughout our relationship, people have asked us how we met and have asked us for advice on a myriad of things. This quote from our guru perfectly sums up how we not only fell in love, but how we’ve managed to never even scream at each other (not once) in the years we’ve known each other. We’ve had disagreements and disappointments, sure. But we NEVER yell at each other, we ALWAYS rush to say sorry to each other, and we reunite so passionately because we are missing the better half of our souls when we are apart.
When we met, we both had the courage to be ALL IN for this new person we felt powerlessly pulled to (and we are still ALL IN today). We opened up to each other in old school letter writing (not texting or chatting on an app). We disclosed our deepest shame to one another, not knowing if the other would run for the hills or not. We’re not talking about your everyday bullshit either. If any of you knew our pasts, 100% of you would be disgusted by us. The only reason we are anonymous on this public platform is for our safety—but we are NOT ashamed. Fuck shame. All shame does is cripple you. People will shame you for things they themselves do/have also. It’s unbearably fucking cruel. Mister and I took that leap of faith and now we have the most beautiful love I have ever personally witnessed. I’m biased, I know—but as someone who loves love… it’s pretty fucking magical. And to think, ALL it took was that one second of courage to just say, “Fuck it—this is who I am, I’m just human, and all I can do is try to be better tomorrow.”
So, my fellow Prosers, I ask you:
WHAT IS YOUR SHAME? Please write creatively/fictionally if it’s something that can implicate you criminally/legally (protect yourself, ALWAYS). But I want to be at least ONE person who can take your shame and say, “I hear you, I see you… and my arms are still wide open for you, friend.” If you need something to jumpstart your courage, I will soon post my own piece about something NO ONE wants to talk about. I will throw myself to the wolves for you, for myself… for a hope of a better future in which we can JUST be fkn kind to each other. We ALL just want to be accepted and loved—and I am here to do exactly that for you. So, let’s be courageous together, and…
Dump your SHAME ON ME!
[Any style, any length, and community engagement will be taken into consideration for my decision.]
What's my shame? I just wrote a paragraph and deleted it. Someone else on this thread, for this challenge, wrote that Prose deleted their first paragraph by accident. Oops - I just did, on purpose.
What's my shame? I am ashamed that my biggest desire is to go to an open mic and read aloud my writing. That I could possibly fathom, in any planetary system, that my writing is on par with other writers, that what I have to say matters.
Here's what happens:
I take that insecurity and put it in a glass jar. My writing is inside that glass jar, and the person I think of as my "writing self" is in there too, unaware that their words are transparent for everyone to see. Because for me, my "writing self", I am talking into a void, potentially a void where someone will see me and understand me, and relate to me, but a VOID. The internet is a void. I write posts about my trauma and don't think anyone is going to know, at the end of the day, what my name is on my driver's license - and be able to link that name back to me, the "writing self" me.
I'm hoping to dear god no one on here knows me personally.
Just like today, at the brewery, when the bartender said he "definitely knows me" from another bar he works at, and I literally could not remember seeing him once, ever. This is my terror: that I will be recognized as the name on my driver's license in a situation where *I actually want my trauma to remain anonymous*.
This, ultimately, is why I don't do open mics: because someone always has a camera, and it's always turned on to video, and I'm going to be somewhere on social media, whining about my trauma, when I had hoped to be remain mysterious, someone who doesn't share my legal name. I don't want to be OUT THERE. When I can be HERE. Anonymous and contained.
So how is this "my shame"? Sometimes I get published and become horrified when it becomes clear that - what? omg - MY name was published alongside what I wrote. Like, no no no. Because like in my real life, where I'm the girl who wears the sweatpants and no makeup to the store, and there, and at the end of the day, I don't want to be recognized as The Girl Who Has Trauma. I'm just here for eggs and milk, thanksverymuchandhaveagooddayma'am. But I do want to be seen as who I "really am" on this writing platform. I do want to be seen as my "writing self." Just don't, like that bartender, say my legal name out loud to me in real life.
Because I will cower, and I will run.
