A letter to the recently installed king of England
dear Chuck, the chuckmeister, triple C, or chuurls. first i want to congratulate you on your coronation. it happens only once in a generation (or three, with your mum) that a collective effort by an entire nation results in a room-temperature liquid to fall upon the top of a single person. even the Japanese cant achieve that, and that's saying something. do be bashful about it either. every part of that festival was yours and you owned it. i mean, people watched it throughout the world!!!
now, you must be a bit upset that i called you a userper straight out the gate, when you did nothing wrong to me.
well, as it happens you are the last remenant of an empire of mass oppression and murder that used to stretch from one side of the planet to the other. indeed the sun never set upon Some territory that was conquered in the name of your wonderful ancestors, with the sole purpose of providing you and your immediate circle with gold and tea. and yes, you said sorry about it more than once. you may have shed a tear here or there, but that gold is still in the bank, and isn't going to move. is it, Chucky?
as for the house of Stewart, which your house replaced, they may still hold to a claim to being the userper in charge. i think its going to be funny as fuck, if the national Scottish movement invites whoesever left and ask them to take over. see how you handle loosing the summer castle up there, and getting shitty whisky.
as for your family, you did a fine job raising those two kids on your own. it shows how much love there is, when the coronation was set on the same date as your grandson. way to go stealing a 4 year old's thunder. but its ok, he'll forget it before long. no way that his daddy won't remind him that YOU didn't think to pull in some favors and having to change the date to the next weekend.
yes, a fine harmonious family, not since the Plantagenets did we see such sibling love. must have been that homeschooling you gave them.
as for things you can do going forward, the ski is the limit. i mean it sincerely, you can go skiing. it's a good exercise, and something that rich fuckers like you seem to be able to afford. better hurry though, cause the snow is melting. as a king you have no real power, but you can at least cut back on your household emmisions, by not flying everwhere, where you then travel in limousine convoys. take the subway, i hear its pretty good in London.
another thing you can do to save some trees, is to absolutely forbid the recalling of billions of pounds out circulation and reprinting new notes, just because the old ones have your dear mommy's oictures and not yours, Chuckles. show some respect for the old lady , even if you had some issues with her. if only for the sake of the trees.
jobs are a concern to many today. AI is taking over jobs and threatening others, and while you personally can claim that you are irreplaceable(literally) , there are so many who are. did you do anything, besides ribbon cutting, to help anyone? is the extent of your support to the lower and middle class, the number of jobs involved in keeping the house of windsor running? are you even an above par employer? but hey, these are just people you nominally preside over, Madge.
now, you may say to me, "now look here" (i assume thats how people like you begin a dressing down) "why am i supposed to be the one that holds the answers to all the problems and ailments of british society?
the answer to that derives from my assumption that you're the king, and as such enjoy through heredity a vast intelligence, broader than any other's, and by the fact that you accepted the responsibility of a post, that as it is founded on medieval concepts and laws which are still in place, you should know how to handle all these things, easy peasie. were you to be proven unable to provide guidance, intelligence, or rulership then you would be proven to be a userper.
but look, i know how it is, you had tough life, man, and i am sorry to be coming on strong like this. you grew up in a tough environment, and you led an exemplary life so far. exemplary.
you kept your nose clean, you said no to drugs, you graduated despite the gangs, and the bullying, you tried to provide a good, honest home for your kids and above else you kept it real. if there is one thing we can say about you is that you ain't no hypocrite. you roll with the punches and move on.
and so i can and should gice you respect.
so here it is. get one of your fellas to get it.