I was searching for my blind date. An angel falling from the sky. I keep coming up with nothing but sun spots. Because of the glare in my eyes. By the looks of the pics she sent me. I’m one lucky guy.
But when I saw Ms Thing holding up our sign. I so let down. On account of her lying. I couldn’t let her see me breakdown and start crying. So I jumped in a trash can. That I’d hoped I would die in.
She looked nothing like her picture. Where‘s her trademark monocle? And unique complexion? And her nose is no larger than mine upon further inspection! I know I’m not much to look at. But I am as advertised. Your common caucasian cannibal. Living in the land of plenty. Looking for someone to romance from out of this world.
One look at this basic bitch before me. And I’ve lost my appetite. She probably lied about her taste for human remains too. This is why I said I was done with dating apps. All the dishonesty is driving me insane.
And here I was about to play her song. On a boom box held over my head. How did it go so wrong? Embarrassing myself in public to proclaim my love for her.
As she explained it. She was a One eyed. One horned flying purple poeple eater. A one eyed one horned flying purple people eater. And that would have been a sight to see. But instead I’ve been catfished and left with a boat load of intergalactic long distance phone charges again. With nothing to show for it. No dinner. No Valentine’s Day massacre.