For the quotes challenge I missed out
I discovered a draft for @EstherFlowers1' challenge that I had forgotten has been existing on its own through the gaps of my feeble memory lol. I haven't been active for days that I completely missed out the challenge, then my draft suddenly pops out of nowhere.
The draft was made during my random gloomy days so forgive the heavy atmosphere. (This draft wasn't complete and I had forgotten what the hecks my point is so I just left it unfinished as it is.)
"feel the pain until it hurts no more"
I couldn't shake off this phrase by Shakespeare when I saw this challenge. It just echoed throughout my mind every time I tried to think or recall some random quotes.
So in a constant debate on whether to use this or not was subjectively set in stone.
I discovered this phrase during my junior highschool years when a friend of mine told me about it. Maybe, in positive light, I perceived it innocently as an assurance. The more pain you feel the stronger you become...or something like that.
Little cuts formed on flesh.
In time, it became invisible only to be discovered within consciousness, within the heart, and within the soul.
As it grow on rampage little by little. The pain was a thought to be ignored, momentarily felt and discarded quickly.
Until the phrase made an assurance. To feel it through the bones of shivering mess, delightly accept the forced out pain.
Yes. Feel it.
Feel it until you get tired of it.
Engraved it then get numb.
I felt hypnotized. Somehow it got worse.
We're really conscious of pain, you see.
Like that tooth aching deep in your mouth, swelling your gums, your tongue flicking and searching for the root cause. And still be bothered a few minutes later as your tongue keeps flicking here and there again.
The more conscious I become the more I tried submerging deeper.
Until I withdraw shortly afterwards since in actuality, I'm scared of pain.
I am so scared of pain,
That I would force myself to go numb for it.
And now I couldn't help but be highly doubtful after some time passed.
Was the phrase had the same meaning that I had understood?
I learned to ignore my feelings altogether you see.
Simple feelings had become a great mystery to me.
And pain was....a normal constant feeling.
"It's okay, you're not alone"
Knowing someone had more pain that you had, the more suffering they had than you, the more struggles they overcome—is not an assurance to me. It wasn't a comfort for thinking you're all alone.
It was more like my shame trying to eat my insides as I wail about my life. As I wail why I had this undeserving good life while those that needed it were suffering greatly that I am.
I was ashamed of my pain.
So why do I keep feeling it?
Fuck it hurts.
I hate it.
When will I became numb of this?
When my emotions are all gone?
I had gone numb about everything you see.
But pain was still there.
So where did it go wrong?