A glimpse at losing touch with reality.
Scared I will lose my mind,
get lost in a maze of lies.
Lose the grasp of reality,
what is real?
I stumble down the rabbit hill of my mind's complex web.
My mind likes to play tricks on me, convince me his lie are true.
I walk blind down a corridor not knowing which door to open.
Is this true?
Is that true?
It must be true if my mind says it's true.
My mind stares at me like an unwanted guest, testing me, smiling while I cause my own destruction.
He stalks me daily, never hidden always present.
It starts with a whisper, a simple lie, one that goes undetected.
'You know you can sing.'
This starts a ripple effect.
Singing in the shower,
writing my own songs,
posting on youtube,
With a wide grin, my mind gets to work.
'They're noticing you, they have been watching you for years, wanting you to be famous. Open your window and sing out loud so people like Simon Cowell, Andrew Lord Webber and others can listen through satellite dishes'
'You lie' I whisper.
My mind becomes a conductor of the instruments playing out the evidence.
'I am you, why would I lie?
'Remember years ago when you applied to Britain got Talent and went to the auditions in London. They recorded your voice, you're on their record. They've been watching you.'
I shake my head and try to walk away from the madness my mind plagues me with.
but my mind has ways to wear me down.
He rolls up his sleeves and gets to work.
Every stranger plays their part as paranoia seeps in.
He whispers in my ear,
'You can read their mind, they're scared of you.'
A master at work he turns my want to be famous into something more sinister.
'Celebrities are not the only ones watching you.'
try to ignore him, laugh at his nonsense.
'I am you, why would I lie?'
I make a mistake and ask who, who's watching me?
'The cult.' He says before disappearing.
I panic, what does he mean?
While I sleep he drip-feeds me lies about my life, they seep into my dreams.
Day by day he wears me down, beyond exhaustion.
Stress causes ulcers in my stomach and lack of sleep makes me question my judgement.
My mind smiles and licks his lips then he bombards me with a wave of lies, one more ridiculous than the next. He starts with a memory, one from a previous manic episode.
'Remember when Mum took you to the church because you thought you were seeing spirits and they told you, you had the devil in you? They weren't just ordinary churchgoers they belonged to the church of Scientology.'
He lets it seep in.
I try to question him but I'm too exhausted. I just want it all to go away.
My mind offers out his hand,
'I will show you why you are the way you are.'
'I am you, why would I lie.'
Then he gets to work laying out the evidence piece by piece. Fabricating the truth to mask the lie.
'You're adopted, that's why you are so different, the only ginger, the only one to get a degree, the only one with bipolar. Your real parents were killed by the cult, Scientology was never a religion they are a cult. They have been watching you, can't you tell how strangers stare at you and follow you. Look them up, they have buildings close to where you have been in the country. Erecting new buildings where ever you move to. You are their golden child brainwashed to be the new leader.'
Seeing my doubt my mind digs his claws into me.
'You doubt me? Your loved ones are in on it. Your Godmother is the one who brainwashed you with the teachings of Alice in wonderland, that's why she gave you the book. Your mother and husband whisper behind your back, convincing you you're having a manic episode but you're perfectly fine. Your mother and father are not your parents they are your caregivers trained to make you become a leader.'
'I am your mind, why would I lie?'
I try to fight him off but he rolls up his sleeves. he has one more card to play.
His many friends, the voices.
They seep into my mind one by one.
He calls them the voices of the cult.
They have a machine which allows them to enter my mind but they have to be close by.
My neighbours are now wrapped up in his lies, they belong to the cult, and they report back to them.
The voices talk to me,
An old lady,
An old man,
A younger boy.
I'm able to hang onto reality and push them away.
My mind wraps himself around me,
'Not this time, you won't ignore me, nor fight me, you will surrender.'
Knowing he is losing he introduces more voices, and the room fills up. Like a train more voices board on, unlike a train no one departs.
Now I can hear the voices of famous people, famous singers,
He makes me listen to their songs, and conveniences me that the cult isn't the only one's wanting me.
'They are watching you.'
'I am you, why would I lie?'
Their songs become my hymns, I start a daily ritual to silence the voices of the cult.
Dunking my head under the water,
having a hot shower, then a cold shower and turning around three times.
It starts to help, I can reach out for reality.
The voices quieten.
My mind shakes his head,
'Im not letting you get away.'
He stretches his body and begins to type up the next part of his plan. A lethal blow. He needs to turn everyone against me. He looks at my husband who is trying to hold onto me.
bides his time, and makes me feel like I'm back in control.
He sees his opportunity.
A military husband has to go away at some point.
I'm all alone.
He convinces me that my family is not my family and the doctors are trying to take away my beautiful voice.
My mind licks his lips and drinks in the lies he is about to unfold.
'The voices are all trying to save you from them...'
He sits next to me and puts his hand on my lap.
'Let me unfold the real truth. While you lay there in pain from yet another bout of IBS your husband works against you. He works for them. There is a reason you are the golden child of the cult, you have powers, you can read people's minds and they know.'
Before I can question this, I phone my husband and hear crackling on the phone line, I beg him to return, I try to make him understand but my mind puts his hand over my mouth and whispers in my ear.
'He not even away, your husband is next door working for them.'
I hang up the phone, I plead with my mind,
'Tell me the truth.'
He puts a reassuring arm around my shoulder.
'You can tap into brainwaves.'
He lets it seeps in.
He drip-feeds me other voices, these ones are soldiers.
I try to shut them out, aware that I'm on a military patch and they could kidnap me at any time. My mind breaks down my walls and lets them in. They fight with me, and tell me to stop listening to their private conversations. I try to block them out but I am too exhausted.
My mind has won,
I no longer peer into the world of non-reality,
I am immersed in its darkness.
Unlike the cult and the celebrities, these military men want to punish me. If I can't stop myself from listening to their conversations they will force me to.
I beg my mind to help me but he has disappeared into the mist, untraceable.
Every time I hear the soldiers' voices they become aware and punish me.
Somehow they make me submit like a dog.
My legs shake as they make me collapse to the floor.
Their voices command me.
'Stay put, do not move, sleep.'
I fall asleep and wake in a daze no longer hearing their voices.
For a while this works.
The sleep makes me stronger and I fight back,
they do not like this.
Their voices flood my mind.
'When we command you will collapse to your knees and to end the transmission you will need to go to the toilet.'
Plagued with constipation this task became impossible.
I begged my mind to help me.
Like the joker my mind likes to play games with me, he relishes in my despair.
'You need to make a pact with the military, a sacrifice. Do you trust me?'
Exhausted I nod my head.
I take my dog to a local pub just 10 minutes from home, up a country path.
'Jump the fence but leave the dog.'
I cry and cry, not wanting to leave my dog. She was the last thing holding me together, the last relationship I could count on. '
'Leave the dog,' Screamed my mind.
I tell my dog to go home, having faith that she would know the way. We had walked this path a thousand times.
My mind takes my hand.
'I have come to a truce with the military, they will leave you alone if you play a game. You see this pub try to enter undetected.'
I play the game my mind sets out for me, but with the voices at bay I realise this is wrong, it doesn't make sense.
I make my way home, back to the safety of its warm embrace, my dog waits for me.
My mind hisses at me and slams the door.
Peace and quiet.
Dreams turn into nightmares of a child drowning in the sea, and I awake in a sweat.
My mind stands there staring at me.
'Telekineses isn't the only power you have, you can find missing children.'
I try to question my mind.
'I am you, why would I lie to you?'
I shake my head and laugh at my mind,
'That is unbelievable.'
My mind sulks away.
The voices become whispers.
My husband returns.
With him near I can counteract any scenarios my mind throws my way.
I am not a Chinese spy,
I cannot enter people's minds.
I'm not part of a cult.
My mind has a fit and screams at me.
For a couple of days, I grasp at reality.
Then he returns with more friends.
The voices wear me down one by one.
I turn to my husband but my mind is prepared.
'The cult could have your husband killed and your pets. Don't believe me?'
My mind hits me with fabricated flashbacks of animals being abused.
He knows my weakness.
I fight him off but he attacks me while I sleep.
I dream of having a heart attack and dying in my home. I awake and walk around the house convenience I have died.
My home is no longer my saviour.
I beg my mind to stop playing these games, I will do anything he wants me to do.
'Run away, disappear.'
I shake my head.
'If you do the voices will stop.'
I cut off all contact with everyone, pack a bag and run. I have no destination.
I become a poster.
My mind has won.
A cocktail of pills
Silence the voices,
My mind changes from a devil into an angel.
My mind has won, it has turned my memories of one year ago into flashbacks, daily reminders of what has been.
I may have come back to reality but my mind will have the last say.
My mind has won.