I’m tormented by my dreams.
Every one a type of torture to grind me down.
Past traumas knock me back over and over.
Night after night they hit me like a bowling pin.
A woven web of nightmares which
creates a dark tapestry of memories once forgotten.
Ones that need to be forgotten to protect my fragile mind.
I never wanted to leave you, it was my bipolar beast in control.
I was an unwilling passenger.
When I said I didn’t love you,
I didn’t mean it.
I was just pushing you away, protecting you from the darkness that dwells within.
At the time my mind was not my mind.
I was seeing things that weren’t there.
I was hearing things that were fabricated lies.
I never wanted to push you away.
I was protecting you from my chaotic mind.
Like a jar with a hairline crack I was going to break.
The build up of mania busting inside me was reaching its peak.
I kept pushing you away.
I was only protecting you, if I couldn’t control my inner beast, then how were you going to cope with me.
When I lay next to you In bed
covered in sweat,
I’m reminded of what I did to you one year ago today.
I used to cry when I had these reoccurring nightmares but now I see the truth.
My mind is punishing me.
Guilt tripping me over and over.
Until I learn to forgive myself my
Shadows will cast an eerie presence over me.
An underlining truth.
One I am not ready to face.