PDST

I’m tormented by my dreams.

Every one a type of torture to grind me down.

Past traumas knock me back over and over.

Night after night they hit me like a bowling pin.

A woven web of nightmares which

creates a dark tapestry of memories once forgotten.

Ones that need to be forgotten to protect my fragile mind.

I never wanted to leave you, it was my bipolar beast in control.

I was an unwilling passenger.

When I said I didn’t love you,

I didn’t mean it.

I was just pushing you away, protecting you from the darkness that dwells within.

At the time my mind was not my mind.

I was seeing things that weren’t there.

I was hearing things that were fabricated lies.

I never wanted to push you away.

I was protecting you from my chaotic mind.

Like a jar with a hairline crack I was going to break.

The build up of mania busting inside me was reaching its peak.

I kept pushing you away.

I was only protecting you, if I couldn’t control my inner beast, then how were you going to cope with me.

When I lay next to you In bed

covered in sweat,

I’m reminded of what I did to you one year ago today.

I used to cry when I had these reoccurring nightmares but now I see the truth.

My mind is punishing me.

Guilt tripping me over and over.

Until I learn to forgive myself my

Shadows will cast an eerie presence over me.

A reminder.

An underlining truth.

One I am not ready to face.