When I close my eyes, I pray that I fall asleep immediately, that the blackness fades to darkness and that darkness turns to enigma. I force my mind to enter sleep as quickly as possible by exhausting myself throughout the day, because if I had the time to think, I would have to face the reasons for exhausting myself.
I would have to consider why I don't want to think about my actions, why I don't want time to consider their consequences. I would have to think about the future, about the barrel run I'm taking towards it, about the destination I don't even know I want to reach.
So when I close my eyes, I shut down my mind, and I try to settle into the journey instead of the end.