I lost 3 pounds in 6 months--you can do it too!
You look in the mirror and see yourself. "Oh my god I'm fat!" you think, perhaps even scream out loud, "Why am I so fat?"
You rush to your phone, your tablet, your laptop, your computer, and you type "how to lose weight" in Google's search box.
You think for a second, then modify the search to "how to lose weight fast."
Yes this should do it. You read through the first page of results, half of which are advertisements. You click on the five that aren't ads. Two of them show you pictures of very muscular men and two show pictures of contrast pictures of two mid-aged women who clearly weren't living a healthy lifestyle. The last one you click on shows you a pop-up ad: is your fat body affecting your performance in bed?
My darling, don't bother. The exact same thing happened to me six months ago, but I managed to lose 3 pounds already by following these 5 tips strictly. It was probably the biggest achievement I have accomplished since kindergarten--you know, the time when I successfully reclaimed that toy I very much wanted from Laura who got it from her grandma but refused to share with me.
Anyhow, here they are.
1. Smash all your electronic devices. Studies show (doesn't matter what studies) that electronic devices are the number-one cause of laziness. Life is simply too simple with these little inventions. We must connect to our true selves and return to mother nature. Phones? TVs? Computers? No! All those screens are keeping your attention with the tremendous amount of radiation that sucks you in. Rejecting this radiation and releasing your butt from the couch is the first step to mobility.
2. Get a Mastiff. You've probably read about how keeping a pet is good for your health. Indeed, researchers have proved this is scientific. To achieve maximum weight-loss fact from your pet, I recommend getting a Mastiff (minimum weight 140lbs) and lifting it 30 times/group, 8 groups a day. It's also a great way to enhance your relationship with the pup.
3. Leave your partner. Does this sound too cruel? Don't worry, your partner will get over it sooner than you'd expect, especially when you give up all your money in the bank account. This aspect of weight loss is highly underrated, but many don't realize that in order to lose weight, you must lose yourself first--after all, that's 150lbs right there that you don't really need. But the healthiest way to eliminate oneself is not by suicide--no, never ever would I recommend that to anyone--but by losing the love of your life. It is also a great way to test if it's true love. If you find yourself losing your mind, your feelings, your sleeping habit, eating habits, social life, and weight, you know you made the right choice to be the right person. One stone two birds.
4. Stop writing journals. I know, I know--all the mindfulness coaches have stressed to you the importance of keeping a journal. Your therapist probably recommended it too. But the truth is, writing journals might make you feel fulfillment, especially when you reflect in-text things that you achieved, even the slightest things like putting on your socks on your own or finally drinking a cup of tea without choking four times. We don't want fulfillment. That's bad for weight loss. We want emptiness, both physically and metaphorically. So take that cute journal that Aunt Mary bought you last Christmas and burn it on your stove. You will feel so much lighter.
5. If you've made it this far, congratulations! You are very determined person and deserve to know my last and most important weight-loss tip--read books. A wise man used to say that "books are the best food," and he's absolutely right. When you feed your mind with knowledge, you will find the satisfaction that no food could ever offer. Read three times a day regularly to allow your brain to digest all the wisdom that you are absorbing. If it becomes too dry, I sometimes also chug a bottle of wine. To help you start, some of my favorite titles are:
Stronger Looks Better Naked by Khloe Kardashian (2015)
Birth Control is Sinful in the Christian Marriages and Also Robbing God of Priesthood Children!! by Eliyzabeth Yanne Strong-Anderson (2007)
Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Mind Power: How to Use the Other 90 % of Your Mind to Increase the Size of Your Breasts by Donald L. Wilson (1979)
Eating People Is Wrong by Malcolm Bradbury (1978)
The Parallax View by Slavoj Zizek (2009)
The journey of weight loss isn't an easy one, but you must be determined and have faith in yourself. You must ignore the voices around you and maybe from within you that doubt the choices that you make, but remember: you are your own person. The fat is on YOUR body, and it's your job to make YOUR body look like every model on a Victoria's Secret show. A dream will not realize itself, so follow my tips and start today. When you look back at this journey after years, you will be glad that you read through these tips.
(Seriously though, don't even think about losing weight in any way harmful to your body. Love your body and screw those who make fun of your body. You are you and that's beautiful.)