Update 7/29/21, and Thanks Again
So for those of you who remember my struggle with depression and suicide about this time last year?
You were right.
It did get better.
My mom and I had a mother-daughter sleepover at a hotel by ourselves in April, where I opened up to her about my problems, and she actually listened. It hurt, and I don’t think I’ve cried that hard in front of my mom since I was seven (and she cried a lot too), but I felt so much better after. And our relationship improved drastically after that. Not fixed, but improved enough where I don’t feel like I want to cut my family out of my life. So that’s good.
I graduated high school. I never thought I could do it, but there I was on May 21, 2021, walking down the aisle in a cap and gown to get my diploma. I also received an award for excellence in visual arts (theatre, graphic design, and traditional art), which was the plot twist of the year for me.
I performed in both mine and my school’s first-ever musical! It was The Wizard of Oz, and I was cast as the Scarecrow! A lead role! I sang as a tenor (I’m a girl) because I wanted to perform it as close to a guy as I could (did pretty well, according to everyone who saw me perform), extending my lowest note from a low E to a low D, royally surprising my school’s choir director.
I figured out what college I’m going to, and what I’m studying! I’ll be double-majoring in English and Theatre! Not only that, but I applied for and got accepted into the school’s Honors Program! And even better than that, I received a vocal and theatre scholarship that covers over a third of my tuition! And the theatre scholarship they gave me was the highest amount they give out!
My parents are both now very supportive of my study path. At first, my dad thought I should also study Education so I can be an English teacher as a backup, and I was planning on doing that, but then I learned I can’t do a triple major in the Honors Program at my school, and I didn’t want to drop the theatre major to a minor. So I hemmed and hawed, and I stressed about it cause I didn’t feel like I’d be a good English teacher. So then my mom came up to me in May and said, “Your dad and I have been talking and praying, and we think you should drop the Education major.” They saw how successful I’ve already been in theatre and writing contests, and they now believe that I will be able to more than make a living in theatre and authoring. I swear I was on an emotional high for a full week after that comment.
My parents are also trying to connect to my passions! My mom bought me pro-shot recordings of Cats, Les Mis, and Phantom of the Opera for Christmas, and watched all three of them with me. My dad sat through Cats! My mom watched Hamilton with me! She watched Wicked bootlegs with me at the hotel in April! And she wants to watch Newsies next! She’s even willing to watch Rent! :D
On August 21, I will be moving into my dorm. And I’m excited. Last year at this time, probably this exact day, I was dreading college, talking with my parents, everything. I wanted to die.
I thank God that He kept me alive.
I still struggle. Intrusive thoughts, nihilism, and apathy still like to vibe check me every couple of days, cause the world still feels like it’s spiraling out of control, but I’m working on relying more on God, making more of an effort to build my faith and make it my own, and asking Him to help me keep going.
I just want to say thank you again to you lot. I looked back on the posts you guys left in that challenge almost every day I was struggling, and they helped encourage me. I owe the position I’m in now to you guys. This website really is special.