What Disney Heroes Taught Me
- Step parents have dubious loyalty, do not trust right away
- Enjoy a happy life of housework safely hidden away with 7 men who won’t gang rape you because they’re short/old/frail so you can kick their asses (and at least one’s an idiot)
- Nevermind - they sold you out at your lowest moment to that stupid prince fellow who probably needs no servants, bastard, and can’t be bothered to ask for consent. Et tu, Grumpy?
- If you’re the prettiest sibling you’re set
- Resent the housework your stepmother gives you because once again, steps be dubious
- Wait for a beautiful old chubby lady to teach you how to be magically even prettier
- Seduce the rich boy but don’t give it all away, make him come to you
- How was this different than Snow White? Oh right. We’re cursed at birth because our parents are neglectful, passive-aggressive party planners.
- Instead of one fairy godmother you’re cursed so have three - but these ones will make sure your “pretty” nature is safely hidden away from the man who will...one day...save you? Because he wouldn’t like you growing up, nah, that’d be weird. He’ll only like you after you’ve safely hit puberty. I mean, gods, what if he thought you were too ugly to save? That’d be dreadful, and we can’t rely on “personality” obviously, you’re just another blonde airhead. Yup, three fairy godfolk were definitely needed.
- It is absolutely OK to sacrifice your greatest strengths/potential all in the name of some idiot who can’t even stay on a boat - like where the fuck are this guy’s sea legs?
- Yeah! Leave your entire world/family/friends behind and move to a world that EATS them! Because family loyalty is overrated and it’s all about that dumb prince!
- Oh...well, this time there’s no evil step parent, just a gentle and misunderstood “dad” who for some reason got angry when you thought you were adult at 16 and ran away to do all of the above. Poor dads, so misunderstood until we’ve already committed to our mistakes.
- Stealing is OK but don’t forget to marry for money / you don’t really want to be a street rat, you just need to risk your life for a con man and then somehow end up with a magical genie to climb that ladder of opportunity!
- Sure, she might have daddy issues but just don’t get eaten by that tiger and I’m sure she’s worth that fat kingdom dowry
- Natural talent doesn’t beat ability, but it sure compensates for smarts
- Ego is the natural substitution for healthy self esteem / present parents
- Foster care isn’t the same as real parents, apparently
- You can be bitchy if you’re skinny and the guy is kinda dumb / innocent - good to know
[Beauty & The Beast]
- Don’t be shallow - hold yourself to the same stupid standards as the other bimbos but make sure you love/appreciate those big shaggy hairy monsters that kidnap your father then force you to stay hostage in his place
- Never fall for an asshat who tempts you with towers and books. Fall for his fabulous staff who feed you and then settle for fixing his curse so they can all regain their former lives
[The Lion King]
- Fathers are necessary in your life, don’t let your evil uncles kill them & steal their power
- Men are lazy and women do all their work, so better appreciate women or you’re gonna go hungry and have to move in with the adopted gay uncles because they obviously treat you better than the evil one did
- Idiot, you let the woman talk you into going back and being a responsible leader. What happened? Sigh.
- Little brothers drive you crazy...but maybe sometimes they’re kinda cute
- You’re right to hate your mother...until she’s right...but sometimes you’re right
- Your real family will always love you when you stand up as yourself - they’ll just respect you if you give them credit for teaching you how to do it in the first place
- That crazy bitch you think is your mother is just using you for your magic, otherwise she’d let you outta that tower
- You actually don’t need that tower - you just need a safe space to express your beautiful creativity and you won’t feel creative unless you go out and see the world
- If you’d just lived with that Belle bitch she would have taught you books let you see the world and you’d both likely be happy little lesbians living alone in a library taken care of by all your formerly household object friends (actually, that sounds wrong, Belle, Rap here takes care of her OWN chores? I think you’re kinda classist and just hiding out in a castle because you’re a selfish bit--- what? what do you mean we’re breaking up??? UGH! This is why only that monster puts up with you!!!)
- Anything can be an effective weapon - never let go of your cast iron frying pans
- Bondage is fun kids but remember to untie him eventually - also, men don’t love long hair. They love high maitenance bitches who challenge their egos / also, you just found the one smart man in the kingdom, marry his fucking ass right now idiot