Her Love Haunts Me
She haunts me. Not only in my dreams but in reality too, she has become the nightmare I pray away, the day dream I pray for, dare I say that she’s the fantasy I desire. Never in my entire 27 years of existence on this planet have I ever felt so much intensity from loving just one person.. One person who might never love me like that in a million years no- not when between she and I stands a three legged man, men who’s third leg has much more power than the two legs put together. Oh no she will never love me like that.
She haunts me and she doesn’t even know it. In fact she must never know cause if she was to ever find out, she will ask questions.. She’ll want to know what it means to be haunted by Love, what it feels like to be haunted by her love, to be haunted by the one love I know I have to accept is my misfortune to fully feel, to fully feed on, to fully taste.
She will tell me it’s okay to feel like that but I’ll know it’s not, almost as if she’s trying to make me feel less insane she will say to me “Mai, I’ve never been good with words, I’ve never been one to write how I feel, that is all you, but I want you to know this one thing, I love you.. I really do, everything you feel I feel it too, everything you see I see it too, so don’t ever be insecure about how you feel” I will fall for every word she says but question her honesty, because I doubt she feels what I feel, I doubt she sees what I see when I think of her, when I hear someone saying her name. What are the possibilities of her loving me like that?! One would say the possibilities are endless but with her possibilities ends when she finishes her sentences with “you will find love Mai, you will find a girl who will love you just as much as you love her, the love I know you so much deserve” and I will have to learn to move on without her, it will bring me no happiness, no peace, knowing what we could be if I chose to stay just as she chose, it would bring me no joy as moving on without her would be like leaving her behind.
My friend Mash would constantly say to me let go, she’d say “your love for this woman will drive you six feet under Mai, you need to let go, it’s not going to be easy but you simply must do it, it will take time, it will hurt but eventually it will be over, you will forget her, she will no longer exist in your head, every thought you had of her will have long faded like how memories of people we once loved, the loved ones who have left this world fade with time, you know they were here but you just don’t feel them anymore, you don’t see them anymore, those feelings will not be a trigger to you again.” Perhaps that’s the thing I’m scared of, to be quiet honest it is exactly what I’m afraid of.. I’m afraid of losing her, losing memories of her, of us of what we could be if I just chose to stay will feel like I’m losing myself as well.
Eventually though, I have to accept things for what they are, that I was only meant to be in her life for a season, that we met to help each other grow as individuals. It was never about meeting the right person at the wrong time, NO! this chapter of our lives was meant to happen, it was written way before we knew we would walk this earth.. With every pain and joy we felt during our time together, good things happened, seeds were planted with our very own words and actions into each other’s hearts, soul and mind.. What grew and will continue to grow from all that is flowers all sorts of flowers with a smell that fills our senses with an aroma beautiful and sweet enough to attract beautiful and sweet souls. Like pumpkins in a garden we will grow apart birthed from one seed, I will never hate her nor will I forget her or even let her go, however even though it hurts, I will be happy to let her be, be her own person.