I looked through the script from last year, carefully studying the lines. They said I should cherish you and keep you with me as long as I could. That I should love you for reasons only known by the author himself. Those lines no longer applied. Why? That I don’t know. The script was written in advance, and I sure did play them well. Like a professional that I always was. Yet, now the backstory has changed somehow and I am still left with the original lines that I cannot change or alter. I am left with the same feeling of love that overwhelms me, that brings both sadness and happiness to my heart. But mostly just sadness now. Heavy disappointment. The same side notes and focus on the main character.
But I am outdated like the script that I now hold desperately in my hands, fingers bending the paper. Until new words appear on the now cowered sheets of beige paper, my character will be frozen, not aware if she should still love you or turn those feeling into hate and regret. Anger, the instructions should say. Be angry, you’re not wanted by the other character like it was mentioned in the first draft. But it clearly said that I should love you... and I did, with all my heart. You felt the tension - I say to myself. - the adrenaline rush, that you were wanted and accepted like never before. It was simple and natural to get into the role, too simple. As if it acquired so little energy to love you, as if... the main character’s heart just opened to you all too willingly.
Those were my own feelings. Was that the plan? Was it or was it not in the script?
Shall I step off that rusty bridge and fall into the deep waters of the river that yearns for me, or shall I just walk past the bridge and reach the other side so I can see the road that I must follow? These feeling were never meant for me, I think as I lean against the metal barrier; feeling the breeze on my face and in my hair, flowing gently yet with force. A storm is coming and I don’t see it written on the now crumpled paper. The pages are blank and the thunder that lightens my skin fills my bones and dances in my veins, a soft melody that disrupted the sky that day I met you, that I read the script.
I should have said no when I was offered the role. But I was proud and said that I could just play anything, I was stubborn and thought it was okay. To want you that way and with so much intensity, words written in the script or not. Then came the backstory that changed, and it did, even if the lines stayed the same. And now I stand on this bridge, hands slipping on the metal barrier. They slip and I fall,.. but into what? New lines, new script? The new me and you? Do I still have what it takes to play what love really feels like? Does the script say so?
As I fall into the river, I see the sheets of paper fall next to me. I see the new lines, the words in dark ink. I see my heart opening to something else. Something that I could play and do it like a little masterpiece. The water takes me in and so do the new lines.
Scene one. Act one.
The main character walks in and sees those eyes.
The day is dark, yet there is a chance of sunny weather.
The first line is...