I sit & lie to the world. Calculated, composed. When in actuality, I feel the primal pull of my blood echoing in my ear: the world carries your last whispers. Your time on this earth is almost up.
The gears in my gut churn endlessly, as I realize the reality of the coming moments. I planned to visit you & have you meet my daughter earlier this year. I called you in excitement, but I did the worst thing I could have. I FOUGHT!-I but let myself lose.
He took himself to a vulnerable place to get what he wanted. Even though I told him I feared that all of your hospital visits meant you would pass soon. He boomed with reason & rationale towards what our own family, needed. Things that life would have straightened out anyway, had we let them be.
As I gave in, I felt a wave of unbrewed tension wash over me. I told myself, if you passed, HE would be proven wrong. But how would that prove me?
Now, I sense the aftermath of defeat-hollow.
I remember the warmth in your voice when I said I wanted you to meet your great granddaughter.
I didn't call back. How could I justify letting him win?
What I can rest assured in, is that I will NEVER let the flame die. My heart shattering & that fire in my core, that was you. You passed on a fierceness & a burning pride, for a reason. The essence of my existence is thanks to your sacrifices.
So, with my hands, heart, & soul chained, I lie to the world. As mothers, that's what we must do sometimes-to protect our young. To provide a better life, looking at the long run rather than acting on impulse.