"I'm sorry did I miss something?" I said. Today this girl starts to talk to me about her being bullied. Yeahhhh okayyyy... I try to act like I care and she starts telling me how when she got ou tof the lunch line she started to go to her normal table. Then the 'worst' thing in the world happened, "You can't sit with us today". This is what is now considered bullying, yeah see when she started to talk I could feel my blood boiling. My only response was small "hmm okay" because I could not open my mouth otherwise a flood of words would come out.
You want to here a bully story okay lets go. I was 13 almost 14 I went to this shit school with 50 people total in the high school (fyi I got sent to school early. I am a young junior now) these girls absolutly hated me with the depths of their souls. Not only was it words but there girls started to corner me in the locker rooms and one of then even tried to kill me not once but twice.. I had to write an apology to the bully because thats how school councelers think. I had to change in the bathroom for pe and sports. To top it all off I had to eat my lunch in the school office because the girls would throw food at me. There more than that but I don't want to write a full book on all the shit that happened. I only had 2 people to talk to 11 if you count the teachers.
Then I hear this bitch talk about being bullied for getting told that they cant sit at a table for 1... one... uno...ein.... day. ONE FUCKING DAY, you cant survive one day without your normal people as you have 100+ people to sit by. Not only could she not handle this but she also about started to cry in the hallway because of that. Now this girl acts like a bad ass and if over here with tears in her eye because they said "you cant sit here TODAY".
THen she said "Ive delt with bullies before and at that time I cut because of them" So natural I ask what happened.... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.... this girls starts to tell me she cut because people called her a Bitch. In my head i say "You cut because people called you a bitch even though you call everyone who gives you a look a bitch" OKAY. Not only am I hearing about her bully today, you know "you cant sit here today". Now I hearing about why she cut ARE YOU KIDDING ME I WENT THROUGH ALL THAT BULLSHIT AND NEVER FUCKING HURT MYSELF AS YOU GET CALLED A BITCH AND THEN CUT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!
I know people cut trust me at 12 almost 13 I would walk into my sister cutting all the time. I had to pick up all the bloody tissues, blankets, ect. I know how broken you have to be to cut. I know how my mental pain you have to be to cut because I saw it. I literally fucking saw the blade going into my sisters skin. Now you are over here saying you cut because you got called a bitch. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. How are people this sensitive what next someone says that they dont like your shoes and then suddenly you are getting bullied what the fuck. That is sad. I had to become an adult when I was only a child, I had too go through hell before I was even 14. At 12 I saw things that nobody should see let alone see it everyday.
Anyway I was tested to the limit to not blow up in her face so what else do I do but come to prose.
I gasp for air, but I still can never breathe. Its never ending, everything hurts. My lungs they failed me and now my mind goes on and never stops. Why, when, how. Nothing is safe, does everything try to kill you.... even your own self. My mind it goes on an endless loop. It is never ending, still rolling. These are the little thoughs that my mind comes up with and even more, but half I can't even say. I have so many thoughts that sometimes it seems like there is nothing in my head, just letters bouncing around.
Pain is an inevitable part of life. You can't escape it, run from it, or hide it. Your words may tell a different story of happiness and cheer, but your eyes hold the dark truth. Even without tears they still say everything. Pain is inevitable… there is death, bullys, family issues, abuse, lost friendships, broken hearts, open wounds, everything. Everything causes pain even the happy moments… those cause a different pain. These are the death of me, because I know I’ll never have them back. My childhood didn’t have many smiles, but when it did… I still felt a slight sadness. A sadness because I knew it wouldn’t always be like that and I didn’t know how long it would be till I had it again. I had someone who was always there but July 3rd the pain was inevitable… life is just a happy cover, but death is the hard truth. Death isn’t just life… personalities can die, mine did. I’m not the same girl, I’ll never be that girl again. Death can take the life of the innocent and the guilty. Death can take away the physical body, the personality, and the feelings. The feelings... they can die so easily. Nothing is safe, but it will all workout. Even though I’ve been through a lot.... I’m still here… I never hurt myself… I made it out alive. Everything has two options the good and the bad. Pain is inevitable, but you can have it kill you or you can have it make you stronger… make you better. You can’t escape it, you just have to face it.
I'm 16 as I write this, but in my mind I'm a 40 year old. Even though I had to grow up fast and get some thick skin... I still can't express how grateful I am with everything I've gone through. I know it sounds crazy, but now I have nothing else to fear. If life was all perfect and happy, I feel as though I would be aa spoiled brat who has never had to work for things in her life... kind of like half the millennials on earth today. Although since I've had to grow up fast and put on my big girl pants, I've seen that nothing is perfect and if you have everything handed to you then you will never be able to survive in the real world. Yes, I know that it's crazy to be thankful for all of the things in life that have gone wrong but it made me who I am. That's the best thing I could ever have, be me before society makes me what they want me to be.
Down I lay my head on
A pillow of fears
A night time of tears
You left me broken
...I was the ship and
You were the sea
But you downgraded me
You broke my heart
Then you dragged me down
Now I’m sinking
Sinking all the way down
Down down down
All the way to the darkness
Nothing to be seen
Nothing to be heard
Just my thoughts
Oh but how they haunt me
The quote I live by and why
"If you had a bad childhood the only thing that can happen is that it all gets better" These are the words that I live on. I've been through what I feel like is hell. I've about died five times before I was 16, my parents about got a divorce twice before I was 17, I went to a school and was bullied… one of them tried to kill me twice when I was only 14, all of these caused me problems. I’ve grown up with them. Most people don’t know… I was depressed and still have those moments. I have trust issues, anxiety. At one time I even had suicidal thoughts. I never did anything because I would walk in on my sister cutting herself and I remembered how much pain I felt just seeing it and I knew that I couldn't do that to my mom. I get yelled at everyday sometimes twice a day sometimes even more. I had a friend that caused me to get introuble with the law, story in itself. I have had 3 friends die of cancer when I was 12, 13, and 15. I don't know what to do, all I have to see is a small glimps of light. How is this small little glimmer supposed to keep my head up to be hopeful when everything around me is dark and falling apart? I see it now even the sun gets covered by darkness, but its still there shinning brighter than ever waiting for its chance.
Why do you always find my flaws? No matter what I do you seem to draw out a negative and push it at me. You make me out to be a wicked witch. I'm a child why does everything have to be perfect. You may not realize, but even with flaws I still do better then him... you know the child you lift up on a chair, make him out to be a king cuz he is just so perfect. We are both in cross country, the play, soccer, and show choir... but yet you still only look at him and say look at how busy he is, how he is amazing. He has senior open that means he goes home at around 1:00, but guess what he does nothing but video games same as when he gets home from soccer and play. Of course you say its okay that he gets to relax because he is just so terribly busy. Then again when I come home and relax or even check my phone for a second I get yelled at.
Here is what I mean, this was a day in my life: woke up at 5:00 to fold and do dishes, took out dogs on a long morning run, showered, took care of myself (like washed face brushed teeth), took care of a litterbox (that isn't even my job but he never does it), got lunch ready, got my school and soccer bag ready, picked up my room, got on makeup, and then left for school early. I was at school from 7:38- 3:30, now 3:30 is when school gets out but not how long I was at school. At 3:30 I went to the locker room and got ready for soccer I was in soccer from 3:45- 6:00, I had to leave soccer early to go to cheer that was 6:03- 7:00, I had to leave cheer early to go to play that was from 7:01- 9:00, got home at 9:06, showered, took out dogs, switched loads of laundry and foled them, picked up the house, fed pets, loaded dishwasher, then tried to go to bed at 9:58 but only to have my mother come and yell at me at 10:00 at night. That caused me to get even less sleep because I was angry and my mind was going off, now keep in mind that on an average I get 3-4 hours of sleep on a good night, but since my days were like this Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday I got that many hours in total on those 3 days.
Now lets see what my brother did that exact same day: woke up late and left for school. He was at school from 7:56- 1:00, he got home, did nothing (I could tell because if he actually did something then I wouldn't have to do as much), went to soccer at 3:30 was there till 5:47, went home got food and showered, went to play at 6:30 was there till 9:00, got home at 9:04 played video games and finally went to bed at 10:39.
You see in my life nothing is fair, I do everything and still get yelled at... while my brother does nothing and its perfectly fine. In anything I do I get told it is not good enough or I didn't do it perfect. I get told that I should be doing this because I'm not as busy as him, total bull shit. They only notice things he does thats if he does them while I work my ass off to do everything I get no thank you just told what I should do. See if my brother picks up a dirty towel off his floor my mom says thank you. Why? He picked up one damn thing and gets a thank you as I do laundy, dishes, and more... but get nothing. Hell if I saved someone from a bullet and got hit in the process you would just tell me how I could have done better or they probably wouldn't even care till the medical bill came in.
Seconds (untold true story)
You couldn’t tell whether it was the shower or the tears. I couldn’t help but think… who lied? He said he would never hurt me, and I said “I will never leave you.” It all started because of that kiss, it was unexpected and yet still full of passion. The next day we were official, June 18th, the hottest couple. I had my doubts about whether he was bisexual or not, but I thought that was crazy and why was I trying to ruin what I had.
It was a long time into the relationship (at least a long time for highschool relationships). I'll never forget it, my brother comes and burst open my door "I have to tell you something and trust me you won't like it." I looked at him as if he was crazy, well the next words shattered my heart "Jack (not his real name), he tried to kiss me" I sat there and we talked for a while. They were wrestling like boys do and he tried to kiss my brother. It was about 3 weeks before prom and I didn't want to hurt him so I acted like I knew nothing and then after I'll find some way to have him break up with me, so he isn't hurt. Soon everyone found out about him trying to kiss my brother, small town problems. He didn't want to live, but he didn't want to die by his own hand. He wanted one of the people he loved to kill him, me or my brother to do it, so one night he pulled out a knife from that ugly sweatshirt. Striped with orange, red, black, brown, grey, and more... like the rainbows ugly step sister. He tried to force me to kill him. It didn't feel real for a moment almost like a movie, me sitting on top of him prying the knife out of his hand. He threw me off and I grabbed the knife and ran, somehow we ended in the same position both trying to to win, but we each had different rewards, attempted murder, him finally free from judgement. In the moment I felt nothing, not even the knife cutting me, during the fight. My reward the sadness of what happened, sitting on top of the stairs crying... I just covered my eyes I didn't even notice the red on my arm and on my cheek just like blush. I didn't know what to do or how to go about after it all. I was 15 at the time and I have never forgotten about it. I still have the scar and the memory. At that age I already went through hell (my old school, thats a whole story in itself... "The glory days"... coming soon) I knew what it was like to be in such a bad head space, but I never thought that someone would be that close to really ending it all.
In seconds my life was turned around. The love I once felt, flew away like ash on a hot summer's day. It felt as if someone blasted a flame thrower right in my heart. I had no emotion left, just a blank face. It never seemed like that though. You look at my face and you see happiness, how? I put on a show, pretty convincing, right? I never thought I could act, but when you don't want to hear those questions you get into this…. this character. What are those questions you may ask. It's all the ones that nobody truly answers, you know what I mean like the classic… Is everything okay? Is something wrong? Why do you look upset? Is there something I can do to help? Those questions are why I put on this show, but the sad thing is that only few really watch. Some just glance and look away, like I’m a commercial on tv that nobody wants to watch so they just change the channel and focus on something else. Some look at me and think she is fine, look at that smile, isn’t she just “perfect”. Only rare does someone watch, only rare does someone look past my little show. Only rare does someone see the truth.That is the sad thing... it's sad that we are so oblivious that we don’t see what's really going on. We just look at the surface, you know kind of like the ocean, we just look at the surface… yay no dangerous monsters lurk near. So we jump in. We think it's okay, we splash around and enjoy life, but we only looked at the surface. When deeper down there is a pack of bull sharks waiting for their innocent prey and just like that it's all over with. Although this is a crazy analogy it's true to what some people feel. Like they are the prey and every shark is something new that just causes them to feel this pain and worry that something might happen that, that will be it. You see I’m okay with people looking at the surface, sometimes. This prevents those questions. The question where I die a little more on the inside when I hear it because I know in my heart I will never be able to answer it. I can't answer it because, because…. I’m not okay. Do you think someone dead inside who is putting on this show is truly okay? Do you think I can answer it honestly?
You might be thinking, she isn’t this blank canvas with no emotions, but how would you know. You never looked past the surface, you never asked me those questions. See I hate them with a burning passion, but at least it shows me that you care. See if you care too little you will lose them. Some people act like they care, but don’t. Some care but never say. Some say they care, but don't. I will never believe you till you prove that you care, I've been hurt to many times to trust in words. Now, you may ask how am I supposed to do that, but if you really cared you would know how to show me.
I will not be okay till I find a way to live without that love I once had, which made me feel like I was a dove flying through the air without a care in the world, but now I'm just floating like a dead leaf, who with one touch can fall apart, I have no sense of direction. In seconds all this happened, how? Those seconds I could have changed, I could have stopped it all. In seconds...
Of course you look at her first, why wouldn’t you. She is the one with problems, but doesn’t mean she is the only one. She has scars to prove it, lungs that are slowing turning black from the smoke of sweet old mary jane, and just all around her life is in shambles. You look at her first because she is more damaged. What about what you can’t see, in me.
I will forever be haunted by the sight of that blade. All those blades I would try so desperately to hide, but it never worked. For that reason I will always remember red… drenched... dripping tissues, the sheets spotted with red like a dalmation, and all those bloody bandages so filled that she just needed another one. What about walking in seeing it with my own eyes and then never being able to do a thing because you were just a little girl. A little girl once so innocent till she walked in on all this horror. Till the horror became part of her life. But I was always confused on why you looked at her first. As if I was haunted enough, I had more coming. I about died 5 times before I was 16, I was tormented when I was only 14. I have trust issues, depression, my physical body is failing as I become short of breath at random points in the day and I've tried to tell you and you never listen, and lastly body issues you know why "You don't want to look like your sister she is just fat and not pretty" hearing that everyday makes you think why you kept saying it... was I already like her? So whwy do you look at her first, I'm just as broken...
I thought I knew you, I once loved you… now the thought of you makes me want to run. “Get away” I yell in my head. I felt so much towards you… I felt free when I was with you. Free from the stress of life dragging me down to the bottom of the ocean. The ocean was just my life, trying to make others happy when I’m dying alone… doing everything my brother does just to make my parents proud… keeping in my demons so I don’t turn into my sister. Everything... I try to make others happy so I don’t feel useless in the world. I do everything he does so my parents can say “I’m proud of you, you have done so much you should get a break.” and… and keeping my demons inside so I don’t lash out. I’m not perfect, I’m not happy about myself, I wish I wasn’t here, I’m useless… all these demons just making me want to end it all! I hide them because I’m told “She is a mess, but you are the second chance.” Is that supposed to make me happy. I’m the daughter you don’t want to mess up and you want to be like her brothers. If I’m your second chance why didn’t you protect me?