If I stare long enough

would you come back up to me

If I stare hard enough

will I find you underneath

I miss you

I knew you another time

I’ve missed you

And I knew you in another life

But I lost you

I forced you to hide

I buried you in demands

I stole the hope right from your hands

but I’m done asking you to hide

so will your curly hair poke out

will your laughter rise and shout

if you’re in there

if you can hear this

Let’s team back up

let’s slow down the process of growing up

#mentalhealth #poetry #nostalgia

When you’re on that rooftop

after your big win

looking at the skyline

that song that I don’t understand

think of me just one more time

remember this again

that I believed in your dreams

for all the times they never did

#poetry

I know pits and I know clouds

I have run my arms through both Mist and jagged rocks

But I can’t name this

I can’t name what I cannot fully know

I cannot fully know the face that stares into mine

I cannot fully comprehend the magnitude of the love splayed out before me in an array of blood splattered swaddling clothes

But I can be known

I can have my face memorized down to the faintest freckles

And My heart known like Rhythm in song

Because at the end of the day

I will never reach nirvana

But what kind of a God would he be

If my mind could wrap itself around him

Why worship what I can grasp?

Is that not why I lift my hands wide spread?

I do so hoping to catch the hem of his cloak

Not hold him in my palm

I don’t know a lot

But I know it takes only a little faith

To become content with knowing a little slice of eternal love.

#poetry

I’m putting my hands down

this is my tap out

from the fight against myself

I’m letting my guard down

embracing the soft sound

of the beating inside my chest

I give up

I give in

on all the standards

and all the questioning

And I’ll shout

And I’ll speak

no matter those that are listening

I’m putting my foot down

I’m my own steady ground

I am enough when I run out

I am no let down

And this is no cop out

my open hands are enough for me now

And when all else fails

when the winds don’t fill my sails

I’ll put my hands on my chest

I’ll feel my own breath

Fill myself up again

#mentalhealth #poetry

I’m still waiting for all of it to settle

Light used to shine through windows

And dance across specks

I’d watch them float like clouds

And settle like peace on surfaces

As I watched

The air would clear

And I would breath

Deep and fresh

Because all happened as I knew it would

But this time the roof shook

The dust flew

And the sun sank

And all I have is the sound of silence

As all of it swirls around me

This time there is no dance

But swinging punches

That I can’t see coming

There is no settling

Or at least that I can see happening

Because I’m laying in the dark

Holding my breath

Counting far past 10

#mentalhealth #poetry

I have seen waves of self resentment recede at the force of love from those who have chosen to defend me from myself

I have watched meteor showers of lies be caught in the hands of those around me and hurled back into the night to decorate the sky with what once was my reality

And I haven’t even seen it all

I haven’t even come close to the extent of love that I’ve found

Because I’m not done struggling and meeting enemies in unpredictable places

But where unpredicted trouble stirs

So will the hearts of my warriors

Where lies scream

So will they roar

And where I fall

There they are waiting

#mentalhealth #poetry #poem

I don’t want to do everything

but I’d kill to do anything

anything other than sitting with words

anything other than breathing

which hurts

But theres nothing to do

and nothing to say

So I sit with the empty

as it swallows me

I watch as the numbness

Takes it’s assigned seat

It stares me in the eyes

doesn’t move

and I follow it’s lead

which to me

is nothing new

and all of these words

hold little weight

when all of me

has floated away

So I watch from above

as I write all this down

I try to pull myself back

only to find I’m locked out

#depression #mentalhealth #poetry

I’m out of control

And I’ve embraced it

I’ve lost my mind

Don’t you chase it

Cause I’ve wasted time

Being patient

And I see your hand

So I’ll take it

#lovepoem #poem #poetry

I know that there is fire in my veins

the trouble is

that simple fact only makes me want to open them more

to poke holes in the furnace and let the fire consume me to ash

To see what could come of the ruins

What could come of the ruins?

There’s the metaphor of the phoenix they could tell me

But the truth is I don’t know that I want to rise

I’ve felt my heart sink one too many times

Has it been too many times?

Because theres parts of me that want to believe that

But those are the same parts that believed

I had to have reached my limit already

I had to have pushed myself too far

but still

I have lasted

Still

I am exhausted

Still I am this crumbling building that would be better off burned

At least ashes could blow away easily

when ashes disappear no ones goes looking

and my hopes have learned to tie ropes around their waists before venturing out

because one too many times they thought the line would be enough to hold me

that surely I would crumble upon crossing it

Or at least turn back

but I never have

I’ve just kept going as my whole structure and the fire fighters shouted

And that line only served to sever the ropes tied to hope as I crossed it

and send them hurtling back

And so now I have to wander until I find a new line to walk

A new border to pretend to set

I can stomp out as many embers as I want

But the fire is coming from the inside

And it has to get out somehow

And the windows they keep telling me to open aren’t working

The fireplace is not enough

This all has to burn

but how?

#mentalhealth #poetry #poem

I’m going to start standing up for you

You, who has carried me here today

despite all the pleas of my mind

and actions to stop you in your tracks

I’m going to start stepping up

for all the times you stepped forward

all the times I needed you to

I will defend you for all the times

I held you up as a shield against my own attacks

I will get on my knees to pray for you

for all the times I forced you to your knees

to be something you were never made to be

I will work to fill you fully

for all the times my lack of love and attention

left you aching and empty

I will stretch

for every time I demanded you curl up smaller

I will give you the space to grow

I once scorned you for inhabiting

I will fail you, this is inevitable

But still you will bring me forward

Still you will forgive me

But I will learn

Slow and steady

And as you brought me to grow out of shoes as a child

You will see me through as I outgrow these habits

against you

But I will start

by raising my voice to defend you

when my mind attacks

I will stick up for you

because I have you for a lifetime

#mentalhealth #poetry #poem #feminism