stitching this body together is probably not enough. are you falling apart too? frantic pulls of bloody thread, the fear of stopping, the determination to win over dark matter voices. desperately i yank the thread through another weeping hole in my edges. i don’t want to be in pieces. i can’t risk them seeing me that way. they want a perfect portrait, they “just want me to be happy”. do body pieces feel happiness? are you happy?
each pulls on its anchors, and i yank the corset together. keep those organs in, glue down that peeling paint, hold hold holdholdholdholdholdhold. i don’t think it’s enough, i can’t hold back this force, it’s only so long before it all flies apart. will i go supernova or just die like a red dwarf? if i’m burning out, am i just paper or is there dynamite at the end? am i a candle or a firework? neither, i know i’m just a body in the end. well, in the real end i’ll just be…. quark soup. completely dissociated.
i cannot hold back the force of rejection.
black hole gluttony
hollow ribcage.
empty. empty.
what to do but tear it apart?
i hunger. i thirst. i ache.
i need something to fill me,
break the bread.
consume.
spilling over.
nothing? nothing.
it rears its ugly head again.
tearing hunger,
fingers sink in and rip.
flesh mine, flesh dead.
stone heavy,
conclusion.
continuation.
is it strange?
is it strange, this desire
to gouge out my eyes
and tear at my skin
and make myself bleed
to destroy my body
in any way i know how
as long as it distracts me
from the blades in my heart
which will not stop twisting
i want to be gone from this life
is it strange, this desire
to scream at the world
how much i hate it
and shred the traces
of these worldly desires
to infinitesimal pieces
to shatter every illusion
of hypocritical comfort
and let myself break
break in a way i always denied myself
break down and break free
i want to burn the world down
the rain slides down the window
the same shade as the gray sky
reflecting the shadows of my heart
i fit any box but each dries me up more
behind, the dark mountains loom
as unreachable as my lost happiness
raindrops are wiped away and fall again, unending
nothing ever stays
there’s more but i shut my mouth
emotion i cannot give voice to
i give up again, silent cracks.
they deepen within my mind, aching, yawning open
every day the mountains crumble
bowing under the weight of ancient water
their own weight and the merciless onslaught of wind
but unlike the earth i am a dead planet
no heat in my core to keep the world moving