I went to my local hospital for a minor procedure.
The Doc asked if I wanted a local anesthetic and I said “Sure.”
I woke up groggy and confused FIVE hours later.
“Dude, I thought you were giving me a local anesthetic,” I said.
“It was a local anesthetic,” he replied.
“It was made in a factory round the corner!”
My friend: When does a dad become a dad joke?
Me, with no hesitation: When it becomes apparent.
A family conversation
Son: i wonder how much our dog remembers her previous family
Me: probably not much
Me: Sure. Do you remember your previous family?
Son: No. HEY!
What did the angry tree year old say?
Leaf me alone!
:D (Please end my suffering)
Two elementary school teachers were talking during recess and they didn't think any of the kids were close enough to hear them. There was one little boy who was curious about what they were talking about so he got close enough to eavesdrop. After a few moments, he ran excitedly over to his friends and told them, "great news! No one in our class can fail this year!"
"Why not?" One little girl asked, confused.
"Because," he said, " I just heard Miss Lawson tell Miss Jackson she had no more f's to give this year!"
I took my first drum lesson.
The drummer tried his best to teach me.
At the end of the lesson I had learned...
Pa! Pa! Cymbal!
LAME JOKE-MACHINE: activated.
Stats: Audience unconscious.
Imagine “The Far Side”
A farmer and his family sit at the table eating dinner. A little girl is crying in the corner.
The farmer exclaims, "Mmm-mmm! Boy, that's some pig!"
“Eat this food quickly or else ghost will come to eat you,”Aunt tells her 3year old daughter. When she isn’t looking, I knock on the table silently to show ghost’s presence. The kid says,“You didn’t tell me the ghost might be right beside me”.
Did It For The Lolz
I don't like talking about how my ex and I broke up, so I just tell people I lost 150lbs over the summer.