Roiling ocean of regrets
Forlorn life jacket
Leaving me with lungs
Bursting with saline sorrow
Churning drops of life.
I am regret
coating your soul
crushing weight on
You are mine.
It’s too late
to fling me off.
I regret not helping the boy who dropped his books and papers everywhere in the hall.
I regret not giving the crying person a hug.
I regret not treating my once good friends right.
I regret not apologizing.
I regret not loving right.
I regret not seeing that crucial message.
I regret not helping anyone who fell up.
Killed in action, I regret being rude, but I was tired that morning. I never was much for being woken up, but who is? Or so I tell myself.
You wanted me back, but I didn’t believe you, couldn’t trust you. Would you, after what you did? Or so I tell myself.
Silent suffering, the bruise under your eye. You said it was from your operation. I should have known better, should have asked. You seemed so happy, but I see now it was only my presence. I couldn’t have known. Or so I tell myself.
Innocent flirting, but you turned my words askew. You brought a safe space into twisted light, feeding off despair to fuel your own ego. To seal the cracks in your ever-fading mask. No wonder they don’t talk to you. How could I have known? Or so I tell myself.
Once again I’ve settled in to do it wrong, but we all settle right? Or so I tell myself.
as we sat in the car today
talking freely about life & love &
what we left behind,
I realized that maybe,
in another universe,
we would be perfect for each other.
maybe there you wouldn't tell me
my hands were so clammy
& instead you would envelop them
in yours. In this universe there is no one like you
but maybe somewhere else, there is someone
nearly identical to you
that is able to give me what I want.
you are exactly what I need. you with your
unable to make small talk but the best person to
have a deep conversation with; you:
the only guy my parents would trust to
drive me all this way. in this universe,
you are exactly what I need.
so do I regret being born in this lonely place
surrounded by people who are able to love each other
who aren't as close as us but are still able to hold hands
and sneak out at night
and do everything that falls into the category we label
no. as I closed the door of your yellow car
and heard you drive away,
I did not immediately wonder
whether you should have waited for me
to get inside safely.
later, though, I remember you paused.
and that was enough.
It making more friends when I very easily could have. I don’t know nearly as many people as I want to significantly.
Graveyard of Regret
In my mind lies a graveyard of regret. Everything I've ever wronged someone with remains there, taunting me. I regret lots of things. I regret not forgiving those who wrong me. I regret forgetting those who cared about me. I regret my fear of the world, my untrusting tendancies, my refusal of true friendship. I hate the feeling of being alone but I also hate the idea of letting people in. My see of regrets is bigger than me. I can't face them alone, I just can't. I regret placing this burden on my back. I can't go on any longer. My sins, my regret, I have to put them down. The demons in mind have to be let out. In my mind lies a graveyard of regret but it's not time for me to join them yet.
The Thing That I Regret Most
What I most regret, is not standing up for myself. Throughout my life I have often been walked over, my kindness exploited. Even despite these many experiences, I've still been controlled, manipulated into accepting ideas that I most strongly disagreed with. I didn't fight for myself and as a result I was used, and it destroyed me. Many a time would come when I would do a whole large group project by myself because my group refused to help and I didn't protest. Perhaps the greatest example of this is the friends and allies who've tried to manipulate me into being their puppet, an obedient yesman. I did not resist, I merely surrendered, capitulated without a fight. Regretfully I must admit that I did not stand up for myself, but as from all mistakes I am obligated to learn and improve. Regrets are often mistakes, poor choices that should be learned from and I have learned a great deal from mine.
I regret most of all, not sharing my experiences. I had amazing experiences that I couldn't explain or capture because I witnessed them alone. I wish I wouldv'e shared them with a loved one that way someone else couldv'e truly understood how much it changed me as a person. Some of the more wonderful things I experienced were all that kept me from a worse path I had almost chosen to take. I also regret not sharing horrible experiences as well. I had been abused and so internally scared and broken and told no one. For years I harbored my pain like a relentless refuge and it crippled me. No one knew how dark and tortured I had become and when they finally found out I had perfected ho to hide it. I regret that I didn't let others in.