Super Salad Woman (And Other Such Powers)
I am very hesitant to share this with anyone for fear they won’t believe me, or that they might sell me out to scientists who will lock me up. They’ll disect me piece by piece after forcing me to use my powers for evil. But I can’t hide in the dark anymore. So here it goes...
I can eat salads without veggies getting stuck in my teeth. That’s not luck, my friends.
I went on a date with a blind man and when I got out of my car to greet him, he ran away screaming. I must have restored his sight.
Then there was the time I was walking my dog, and I just got this feeling that he was going to stop and use the bathroom. And lo and behold, he did!
You probably don’t believe any of this, or think I’m insane. I would expect no less, really.
That’s okay. I am not afraid to be the unsung hero.
Faster Than A Speeding..!
I have something to tell you...You might wanna sit down for this...Why? So you don't pass out from astonishment!...Okay. Ready now? Now, you can't tell anybody else, okay?
So...what I can do, see...is... *looks around, whispers*:
When I pay cash for something at the store- Yes, they still take cash!...So, when I pay in cash, I can ACCURATELY PREDICT THE AMOUNT OF CHANGE I'LL GET BACK! And, I can do it FASTER THAN THE CASH REGISTER!...I know, right? How crazy is THAT?...For real, for real... Now, you won't tell anyone, will you?
Three boys running around me in circles. A one year old cry’s in the distance, she needs my attention.
A nine year old girl going on thirteen. Where shall I began. I still manage to make a day at the park Neverland!
The park is our place of choice. Yeah, we could have went to jungle rapids or defy gravity. But, even my nine year old forgets she is nine and becomes five again.
I toss the boys this way and that way. I pick up my one year old and spin her in the air. She giggles and my world light up. I race my nine year old. She thinks I’m the fastest mom at the park. I wear my Invisible cape well!
Then we rush home, eat, wash up, and get in our pjs just in time to watch black Lightning! They are down now. My sister come over to watch them while I head to work.
When my little one’s wake, breakfast from Bojangles is in hand! Hey, I never said I could cook, I just know my feet hurt and I keep tripping over this cape. ;-)
Awkward Powers Activate!
My awkward powers can calm the anxieties of those around me. My social disabilities can sometimes be so terrible that my friends or peers who are equally awkward, will watch me fail at a human interaction so badlly that they gain the bravery points necessary to finish and/or patch up the mess I started.
It's like I delve soooo far into my head, trying not to screw up the conversation that all the brain cells necessary for proper human communication is forced out of my head for the taking. For example:
Me: Hi um can I um please have the uh, oh...oh wait no- okay can I um have combo number 2 instead- I mean... okay wait between combo 2 and combo 5 which do you think is better?
Me: *in a quieter less confident voice* betweencombonumber2and...actuallynevermindI'lljusthavecombo1.
Cashier: Um... sorry I missed what you said...
Me: *covers face* Sorry, I mean-
Friend (with the boosted power-up effect of my social incapabilities):
She'll have a small size combo #1 please, with a Nestea.
Me: Yeah that.
I wish I was exaggerating, but this^ happens almost everytime you find a TaiSensei in the wild- I mean- in public.
I think I might be a superhero because sometimes my dreams vaguely resemble something that happens in the future.
My daughters are suspicious when I tell them that I can see the future.
The truth is, I can fairly accurately predict when one of them is going to spill their glass of milk at the dinner table. Unfortunately, with this great power comes a significant burden. I get yelled at every time I move the glass away from the edge of the table. Such is the life of a superhero dad.
Bonus superpower: watch how fast I can fetch the paper towel roll! A drop rarely touches the floor.
Answering the call
I think I'm a superhero because...in the darkest of mornings, the oven whispers to me..."what of today?" I reply that "We must do what we have always done...to answer the call of the monsters." For the only way to quell their cries is to do as they bid...
And so, donning my apron, mix flour, powder and salt...mixing the butter and eggs...never...NEVER forgetting the Madagascar Vanilla...I set forth on my quest to bake the most tantalizing Chocolate Chip Cookies...for they are always requested...ALWAYS...
I'm not sure how this power was bestowed upon me, but it was. And in the darkest of mornings, with the coffee machine brewing my enegry, I go forth with my powers...answering the call...
I can bend steel!!
My calloused fingertips,
Are just senseless.
I open the paperclip,
And it yields,
I carefully straighten all the curves,
The metal feels hot,
But it does not sear.
I bow and curve and loop.
Twist the lines into shapes.
The kids love them
Giraffes, flowers, cars, transformers.
All just the st
eel I bent.
Thin rebar in a cardboard box.
Plastic coated at times,
Though I prefer the rawness,
Of the pressed alloy,
Snaking between my fingers.
Don’t need a welder’s arc,
I splice mine by sheer pressure.
Done, it stands firm,
Until it’s given as a prize,
For the best notebook.
Fear my power.
I can consume an entire liter of silicon based personal lubricant without even noticing it wasn’t my drink or suffering any negative side effects.
I have a -5 to perception but a +5 to constitution.
My Special Powers
I think I am a superhero because
I cannot be broken.
I have been stomped on,
Stabbed in the back,
But I still remain.
I think I am a superhero because
I am good at blending in,
Like a chameleon.
Or maybe it’s that I’m good at being invisible--
Nevertheless, they can’t see me.
None of them do.
Maybe that makes me a superhero,
Or maybe I’m just the same as you.