The Nerd That Will Never Know
You sit across from me in chemistry.
Chemistry, that’s where love happens, right?
Where you find that maybe molecular orbitals
Aren’t as boring as you thought,
And ionic and covalent
Aren’t the only ways something can bond…
Or at least that’s what you hope.
Won’t you please look up and smile at me?
I always see you working
Your face gets so intense, your mind flies away
To where I cannot reach you
I feel like a puppy following you around
bombarding you with study questions
if only to hear well reasoned answers tumble from your lips.
And I am fascinated
Because how can you stay focused on those lewis dot structures,
sp2 and sp3, PV=nRT,
Crystal Field Theory,
And NOT... notice me?
I would love to discuss the difference of
Tetrahedral and bi-pyramidial over dinner
If only you’d be willing
You amaze me, I love to watch
as you spend your spare time
tutoring other students.
Quenching the questions
Drawing out network solids
Explaining equations, and finding X.
Formulas fall out of your mouth,
As if that’s their only purpose.
You don’t get paid
You’re not doing it for the credit
You do it because you want to
No other reason required
Chemistry is your lover
You never wish for a mistress
There is no Bathsheba to sway you to temptation
While you get As, I get Cs
You sail these choppy waters as a captain on a ship
But I am holding on to a piece of driftwood
Hoping to survive until morning
I envy your intelligence, yet that also draws me to you
Like a siren singing my deepest desires
To understand that which I have no knowledge
Why do you adore it so much
That you’d rather tutor for free
Than spend time with me?
Notice that I crimped my hair.
It pooffed out all weird
Not at all like I was expecting
now that my hair took up more volume in the room
You’d have to see I’m here too
Yet I am resigned to watch you from afar
for you are never within my grasp
You are a magnet, and I am plastic
Wishing to be a piece of iron or nickel
But you will never come my way
and so I leave you,
to your Chemistry, Math,
your passions, your love
I fade away like liquid nitrogen
a puff of smoke
lingering only for a moment
before dissapearing from your sight
All I Need
bittersweet tang consume me
lick deep and dark
taunt my helplessness
until I’m wound
a knot of frustration
my ineffectual admirations
rousing secret salivations
but I stop not
heady longing slinks
into rewarding reveries
inspiring delicate daydreams
of persuasive possibilities
I welcome delicious delirium
oh, my love unrequited
give me distance
let me yearn from afar
my addictive little drug
imaginings of you
are all I need
Since The Third Grade
We sat across from each other
every day at school,
but we never said hello.
Oh, I wanted to,
but you were popular.
I, just another boy in school.
in a chemistry class,
but you never looked my way,
and the chemistry
Years breezed by,
we were neighbors.
I watched your children grow,
yet not a word passed between us.
Oh, I wanted to,
but being married,
and I single;
didn’t feel right.
More years wilted away;
now I can finally talk to you.
Can finally say,
I have loved you since third grade.
In this quiet moment,
just the two of us,
oh, it feels sad.
Rising from the ground,
I whisper goodbye.
Now, you are with angels.
2:36 a.m. - 2:41 a.m.
I understand.. I like to think so
Like neglect I’m forgotten in an instance, you don’t love me, you never did. You pushed me away with a single action, a single lie, a single misconception.
Like magnets we are on the same side both negative toward each other pushing away and away.
No longer attraction, just separation by an unknown force. You don’t love me, no you never did. I feel unwanted, unloved, betrayed but most importantly.. not enough. This isn’t love.. it never was. I’ll never be enough for you.. never.
I’ll always love you. I’m sorry.. I really am..
I like to think I understand.. but I’ll never fully will. You can stand in someone’s shoes.. doesn’t mean you’ll always fit them.
Sometimes, we try to convince ourselves
Of things that aren’t true
Because we think it’s the right thing.
People fall in love with us
And we tell ourselves
We feel the same
Because we can’t bear
To see them with a broken heart
Especially if we’re the reason
And then, everything falls apart
And you realize you can’t keep lying
To them and yourself
Because you really do love them,
But not the way they love you.
What do I say?
My mind is in a fog.
My eyes are puffy
from the tears that
have drenched my pillow.
My muscles ache for sleep
that will not come.
I pick up the phone
and with shaky hands
punch the numbers.
My heart is pounding
in my ears
as I listen
to the long drawn-out,
In this moment
I can only wonder
where I went wrong
when I hear the recording
tell me the voicemail box is full.
So this is it.
No more messages.
I wonder where you are.
I wonder what you’re doing.
I wonder who you’re with.
I wonder if you are smiling right now
with another lover.
Or if you are like me,
alone with puffy eyes.
and shattering to pieces,
begging for something to knock you out.
-Jo Resner 8/31/18
I treat people like answers to questions that should not be asked aloud
My chest rings hollow, caving in I crave anything anyone that can hold me up for just one more second
It’s really not about you
It’s desperate, pathetic how selfish I am I latch onto any shreds of kindness and wring you out bone dry wounded animal I want to feel less broken and you’re my next fix
You think I’m in love with you I wish it was that easy to lie to myself but
I just like the idea of it- doesn’t matter the face or textured hands or cracks in the voice my daydreams are a fill-in-the-blank with whoever’s closest by
If you’re going to pity me do it for the right reasons
You continue to indulge me- is it due to your spinal inadequacies or the dark satisfaction from a trainwreck and you just can’t look away
I drape myself all over you- figuratively, literally- you stand still enough that I won’t fall but have your arms ever been open
I wish I had enough pride, any pride but this is just too easy
You’d say no if you wanted me to stop you haven’t
You haven’t said yes either
Lord, you’re so passive you don’t care enough not brave enough to open your stupid mouth I hear the judgement all the same do you like me at all or do you just feel sorry enough to put up with my toxicity putrefaction
Pathetic pathetic pathetic
Do you think of me and wince
Pity is worse than hatred worse than apathy worse than disgust
Was every platitude a pretense to sustain a dying ego so fractured you manufactured each ounce of respect to avoid the splinters of fallout
Lacking personhood, denied of humanity can’t have vanity when I’m too wretched to be held accountable
I feel so sick I have to stop I promise I’ll leave you be but
You’d just pity me more
I Don’t Know How
My tears are dripping on these pages;
Creating little ink cages;
These poems take up too much time;
Why do they always seem to rhyme?
No matter how much I write;
I can never get the words quite right;
I can never say what I’m trying to say;
And one day I’ll be forced to pay.
I don’t know how to say the words inside my mind;
It feels as if I’m going blind;
These poems are not enough;
I’m a torch waiting to be snuffed.
I don’t know how to say the words inside my heart;
My silence is tearing me apart;
How do I say what I’m trying to say;
Without scaring him away?
I don’t know how to say the thoughts inside my head;
When I’d rather talk to him instead;
He brings a smile to my face;
And he has his very own kind of grace.
Just like that, he’s stuck in my brain;
I only seem to cause him pain;
Now my tears are running faster;
Sticking to this page like plaster.
I open my mouth and I try to speak;
But I always give up because I’m weak;
This isn’t how it has to be;
But how do I tell him he means the world to me?
One sided love
I knew her since I drew my first breath
I wanted her to know me
I loved her since I first saw her
I wanted her to love me
A hundred summers past us by
And a million winters froze beneath my wings
I looked at her in anticipation
But she did not say a thing
Bitterness seeped under my skin
Loneliness engulfed my soul
With sorrowful eyes and weary heart
“Why don’t you love me mom?” I implored
Her chilling impassive eyes pierced my spirit
Tired of my pleading voice, she furiously stood
To satisfy her unhinged twisted mind,
She smothered me for good