The flesh that still binds me 

     is no longer his host

Sometimes I wonder 

    which of us is the ghost

His spirit is free 

    of the physical realm

In life I don't feel like 

    I'm still at the healm

Just out of reach 

    he lingers there

Sometimes it feels like 

    he plays with my hair

This big house used to 

    give me a fright

But now I look forward 

    to the creaking at night

If the noises I hear 

    are not caused by wind

I fall safely to sleep 

    knowing 

       it's 

          only him

Sometimes he gathers 

    up enough power

To remain visible 

    to me for an hour

I spend those precious 

    moments of time

Pretending to feel how 

    he used to be mine

He talks to me 

    when I really listen

But he stops when he sees 

    the tears start to glisten

It's usually always 

    the same message I hear

I need to forget him, 

    it's been a year

If I forget him 

    he says he'll be free

To move on to whatever 

    is next 

       without 

              me

I know it's selfish and 

    I know he knows

That I will be nothing 

    if he ever goes

When I break down 

    and cry in despair

I feel his fingers 

    run through my hair

I need him to be there 

    when I lose my mind

If not, I know I won't 

    come back next time

He's getting stronger 

    and he gave me a wish

Last night I was able 

    to again feel his kiss

I know he can't always 

    stay here with me

Sometimes I think I should 

    claim 

        death's 

             decree

Take my own life, 

    I don't need it any more

Just to be with him, 

    invite death to my door

When these thoughts come 

    crowding into my head

He always appears with 

    his face turning red

He burns with an anger 

    he never showed in life

It keeps growing hotter 

    til I drop the knife

He believes I should embrace 

    all that is left

Of a life that no longer 

    feels like a gift

I suppose I really should 

    release him from me

Let him move on and 

    leave me here empty

I know that when 

    I do let him go

My heart will bleed 

    and I won't 

       stop

          the flow.

“Do you remember this place?”

Of course she did. 

It was our summer getaway, our after school paradise. How could she forget? Redwoods lined the trail, their woolly bark snagged on the limber trunks of unwelcome eucalyptus. We’d sit on a bench made from a pair of unlucky stumps, suckling honey sticks and sipping fresh squeezed lemonade bought from the general store down the road. Shadows danced across the sandy soil beneath our feet. I tried to reimagine it as best I could but it’s hard with only a few crayola crayons and inkless ballpoint pens. I’m hardly an artist, but I think she remembered. I think...

“How about this one?”

Of course she did. 

Our tree house. Her house. She lived in a forest of light where the leaves were always painted gold by the sun. She would tell me about the magic of this place. She would spin tales of the faerie hunts in day and the howling mists at night. Between each tale, we’d take a break to gather ripe blackberries from the bushes planted snug against an overgrown fence. Shirts plump and filled with bittersweet loot, we’d scurry back to the safety of our scrap plank fortress before the Ground Gnomes ate our toes.

Do you remember this place?

I wanted to ask but the words never came. Of course she did. How could she forget? The broken glass still smothered the gravel, baked in the heat of the sun. It was impossible to tell rock from shard, shard from rock. The smoke from the engine was thick and nauseating. It forced me to realize what had happened. Her hand was on the hood. Only her hand. I didn’t want to draw this.

“She’s still here,” I whispered.

“Of course I am,” a voice replied. “Someone’s gotta’ clean up this mess.”

The nurse had been weaving in and out of my room for hours now, folding my clothes and rearranging my belongings, putting them here and there and back into the places she thought they best belonged. “She’s still here,” I repeated.

“Oh,” the nurse sighed. “This again? She’s gone, honey. Don’t you remember the accident? It’s why you’re here.”

“I’m not here,” I argued. “She’s still here.” I repeated myself again and again. “She’s still here. She’s still here. She’s still here. She’s still here.”

I never noticed the nurse leave the room until she returned, and with company.

---

“Do you remember this place?”

Of course she did. 

It was our third time in solitary confinement this week. No drawing could do justice the loneliness of this small, vacuous space. A blank sheet of paper would suffice. But I’m not alone... right?

“Do you remember this place?” I asked again. “Do you remember this place?”

And again.

“Do you remember this place?”

And again.

“Do you remember this place?”

Of course she did. 

How could she forget? 

She’s still here.

She's always here.

In life we were always three.

Daughter, Mother, Grandmother see?

Our love for each other runs deep.

Even Death could not apart us keep.

When at night I lay me down to sleep,

That's when my mother I chance to see.

She takes me shopping just like we used to do

only now she brings me a message or two.

My Grandmother also visits in my dreams

It is easier to communicate this way it seems.

I'm at her house,

she always has some wisdom to pass on

to me or my spouse.

I always feel their love when I'm with them,

When I wake up I am happy and content

these were dreams well spent.

Love is the tie that binds.

When you have this strong a family tie,

It stays in your heart, soul, your mind

even Death cannot change those designs.

Soulmates are forever,

a flame that burns for the other.

Love is all enduring, all encompassing

Eternal.

https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B8RYIsFg-rZJZjlUcy16UFJ1Mm8

A whisper

A breath

A word

They're dead.

A shadow

A shade

A look

They're gone.

Flying, Falling

Crying, Dying

Rising, Reaching

Found and Lost.

They speak softly

I softly speak.

I watch silently

They silently watch.

In the end, they're dead and gone.

Upon that day, I knew who you were;

The look in your eyes, the beating of my heart -

It was all too apparent that you were the mate of my soul.

And yet, I did not know it;

We realize what we had, often, only after we have lost it.

I neglected the beating in my heart and that look in your eyes;

What a fool I was, to think either of us was granted tomorrow!

And then, after playing the fool,

I was awakened to the stark reality of who you were, the mate of my soul.

The car, the crash, the blood, the thirty hours of fighting in the hospital to live -

All of it awakened the beating of my heart and drove me violently out of my foolishness.

You are the one who was the mate of my soul,

And I was a fool to wait to act upon it.

Now you are gone.

I see you, daily;

I hear you, moment by moment.

You consume me -

My eyes see your phantasm walking through the room; they see your eyes, that look in your eyes that I am ashamed to myself for not acting upon.

My ears hear your voice calling to me from the room which we ought to have entered together, but never did;

I heart your voice sounding with a saddened love and a desperate longing.

And though my eyes see you, and my ears hear you,

My hands have not touched you -

And your hands have not touched me.

And I know by the look in your eyes, the sound of your voice, that my touch is what you want - the lack of which is the cause of your saddened love.

Day in and day out,

Night after night,

I see you constantly - yet always out of touch.

Maybe I ought to join you, perhaps then we can touch.

- Mr. DH

Words and thoughts......not enabled and apparently not allowed between the living and the dead. She does speak in dreams to me though. Nightly.

I can see her clearly....cannot touch her but I can feel her even more real than before. Just in a different way, almost as if she is flowing through me and connecting with ........ joined with me. I don't have a word for it.

I feel her every intention and her moods.. It is as if by breathing her in and having her wash through me.

Today she was being really silly and playful. She does this a lot. I know that she works hard to keep me here just like before.

She has adapted to this new life (?) much better than I and she lets me know that it is important that I keep myself intact.

She made me stop listening to the Smiths and told me to quit drinking. That helped a bit.

I tell her about this huge void that has become my way of being and she pulled a duck face at me.

I whisper that I love her and she smiles.

Each night she sits alone in the old armchair

There she would sit breathing in the stale air

Her house was dark and uninviting

The overwhelming silence cruel and biting

Void of love and any feelings

Faded wall papers and dusty ceilings

It wasn´t always that way

Her home was a palace once back in the day

Bright and warm alive and cheery

It wasn´t always this cold and dreary

Before she held dinner parties and entertained friends

She wore pretty dresses and followed the trends

That is where she met her beau

Just one sight of him set her face a glow

He was handsome and tall

She was petite and small

A fine couple they both made

They would dance and dance as the music played

Such happy times and extravagant days

He´d send her candy hearts and red rose bouquets

They were in love their fates entwined

To everything else they hearts were blind

One day he got down on one knee

With ring in hand he asked “Please marry me”

They wed on a hot summer’s night

The frogs and crickets chirped with delight

With honeysuckle scent heavy in the air they said their vows

There beneath the weeping willows bows

Both so happy for a year and a little more

Then her beau went off to war

Each week or so she´d get a handwritten letter

It made her worry less made her feel better

A year later she heard he was coming home

But not to hold her but to be buried under a head stone

Since the day she laid him to rest

She´s been distant she´s not been at her best

Around her the grand house fell apart

Along with the remaining pieces of her heart

So now she sits nightly staring at the spirit of her beau

He vowed never to leave her and she won´t let him go

----------------------------------------------

© M.Withers/M.Strudwick . All rights reserved.

Both the name The EriduSerpent/EriduSerpent

and any written material is owned solely by the above named.

Permission granted for all written material to be shared but not for profit.

Printing or publishing is prohibited without seeking permission first from said owner.

I see your name

written in the flashing lights

like a one-sided conversation

painted in the morse code of my mind

I’m a little buzzed

they serve me drinks in plastic cups

You used to smell like cigarettes

I couldn't stand it

I dream of glass

I winced when he dropped my favorite mug and let it shatter in a million tiny pieces. Ty has never been too careful and now he was even more careless. 

"Shit!" I heard him shout about half a minute after the incident occurred and a smile slowly crept on my face as he finally realized what had happened and hurried to pick up the bigger parts, trying to piece them together. I had always loved just how little of a morning person he was. 

"That's not going to work honey, just leave it and drink your coffee. And make sure not to step into any shards, I don't want you hurt." I wiggled my toes and swung my left leg back and forth while slightly shifting on the counter top. I saw Ty's jaw work under his skin and he shuffled past the mess and sat back down to eat the rest of his bagel. 

"I don't have to go to work that badly today, I can stay." 

"No." I said sternly.  He looked at me, pleading.

"I worked extra hours yesterday, I can stay with Mii and you and relax, doesn't that sound nice?" 

I unfolded my legs and sat straight, he moved a little back in his chair and I almost felt sorry for making him feel small but I had to be clear.

"You can't. Mii is gonna be okay, your work however isn't. Mii will go to my sister and she will take her to kindergarten but you have to go to work. What if they don't think it's okay and you lose your job?" I saw the pain in his eyes, he knew I was right but I wished I wasn't. We both knew they were running out of patience at Ty's workplace. 

He scratched his head, those wild dark waves that wouldn't be tamed no matter what, something I loved so much and it made my eyes burn. 

"You're right, I'm sorry, I'll wake up Mii so we can leave okay? Rena should be here soon."

"Thank you, and sorry." He smiled sheepishly and wiped some crumbs away from the corner of his mouth. I moved my arm forward out of habit, wanted to do it for him and he looked at me for a second and smiled. I chuckled and he stood up and walked to our daughter's bedroom. A few minutes later a tiny messy haired girl that had everything like her father skipped into the kitchen and Ty followed suit. 

She moved her chubby arms up to both sides of her head and Ty nodded down and picked her up. He set her on the counter top and I moved to the front door, already anticipating the doorbell that was about to ring any minute now. Ty finished dressing her and packing her lunch and set her down on the floor and moved back to our bedroom to change into his working clothes. 

The doorbell rung twice when he was about to finish tying his tie and I laughed as he clumsily tried putting on his shoes and pick up his bag and also trying to pick up our daughter as he moved to answer the door. I ducked aside as he grabbed the handle and moved behind the door to both hide and make room for the two of them. 

"Rena thanks as always, you're a huge help!" Ty said as he put Mii in my sister's arms. 

"No problem Ty, her school is on the way to high school anyway. And I know it's been tough to take care of her alone now." I heard Mii fuss a little when Rena tried correcting her position. She said goodbye to Ty and made her way to school. 

"You know... You don't have to hide. They can't see you." Ty said without looking as he moved a little forward so he could close the door a little. I didn't miss the hurt in his voice and my heart broke a little more. 

"It makes me feel better, if I hide it makes me feel less of an outsider than if I just stand there and they don't notice me." I managed a smile and skipped from my hiding spot into the open part of the door frame and looked my husband in the eye. He squirmed a little and it was amusing so I smiled at him. He eased up as I did and sighed. 

"I'll see you tonight Ten, I'll be home around 8 and I'll pick up Mii and dinner." I nodded and waggled a bit. 

"I love you." My heart jumped. 

"Me too, get home safe tonight baby." I said. 

He turned and closed the door and I moved forward to hug him goodbye. 

I could never get used to just jumping forward and moving through him though. 

He turned around and made his way to work and I leaned back into the door, passing through it and sitting in the middle of our hallway. 

It has been a miracle that Ty was able to see me, so I wouldn't complain that he could only see me in the house since recently. 

I laid back, relaxing into our carpet and recalled the months that had passed since my death and having to see my family go through hell and back trying to keep themselves together and all the night I spent screaming trying to get them to see me and the relief I felt when Ty finally heard me. 

I didn't know how much longer I could stay here though.

@dLYNX

"...husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."

When I said those words to him, I didn't think that death would do us part two kids later, with a third, miracle child, on the way. We were still newlyweds, two and a half years into our marriage. I wasn't supposed to be sitting here, dressed head to toe in black, emotionally drained from the thought of living life without my best friend.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even notice that "Taps" had already been played and the flag was being carefully folded into the symbolic tri-cornered shape. The military chaplain then brought it to me and formally said, "On behalf of the President of the United States, the Commandant of the Marine Corps, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one's service to Country and Corps." I slowly reached out for the flag and placed it on my lap.

He's gone. He's not coming back. Even sitting here, at his funeral, with everyone coming and paying their condolences, the reality of it all still hasn't fully registered. I still feel like when we get home, the kids and I are going to walk into the house and he'll jump out and scare us, then pull out some crazy gift that'll make the boys laugh and me, roll my eyes. Then he'd pull me into his arms and whisk me into the kitchen where he'd place light kisses all over my face. I'd giggle and try to push him off me, but like always he'd manage to pin me up against the countertop. "Babe," I'd say hesitantly. I would eye him suspiciously as he wiggled his fingers. "Don't...even...think...about it..."

He'd jokingly bat his eyelashes innocently and pout. "Don't what babycakes?"

"You-"

"Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear about poor Jay. He was a lovely young man. God took this one too early if you ask me."

I shook my head to clear my mind and looked up to see our neighbor, Mrs. Ozenne, standing in front of me. Following the burial, at the cemetery, family and close friends had returned to our home for refreshments. I looked around the house at all the people here and even though this was a somber time, the atmosphere was light and loving. Jay was loved by many. He may have had a cool exterior but was the most sensitive and affectionate man who never failed to be there for the ones he cared for.

As I was walking towards the playroom to check on the kids, the pictures of us on the mantle caught my eye. My favorite picture was one of the first ones we ever took together. It was of us at our high school graduation, looking as awkward as can be. He had a head full of dreads and I stood pressed into his side, with an awkwardly large smile plastered on my face. Each picture frame held significant moments of our friendship throughout the years. There was one on his last day in the city before he left for college in Missouri. Another picture of us was the night before he left for the new college he transferred to in-state, the following year. The first time I attended one of his football games was captured too. I proudly wore a replica of his jersey with the number 2 printed on the back with his last name. The next one was his last night before he left for USMC boot camp. Then there was the one when he left for MCT and MOS schooling after his 10-day leave. Our relationship from the very beginning was so accustomed to departures.

I reached down and picked up the picture from his first deployment. I remember that day as if it was yesterday. While we were at the airport, I handed him our traditional parting gift. I had made him my special brownies, added a couple of bags of his favorite sour candies, a picture of us and a little something extra. In the bag was a birthday card, since he would be celebrating his birthday while he was away. Inside the card, I wrote, "I'm not going to be the only one calling you old man. Your son will too." After reading the card he looked up at me in confusion, looked at the card again, then noticed the little details. The blue chocolate chips in the brownies, the blue gift bag, the blue candy. Then he finally noticed the ultrasound picture at the bottom of the bag. He looked up at me with wide eyes, "No...".

I started to tear up, "Yes, babe. We're going-"

I didn't even finish my sentence before he picked me up and spun me around, yelling, "WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY! WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY BOY! HOLY SH*T I'M GOING TO BE A FATHER!"

I was laughing while tears streamed down my face. Uh oh! The spinning was causing me to feel nauseous. "Umm...babe...please put me down...I think I'm going to be sick."

"Sh*t! Sorry! Sorry! We're having a boy! I'm just so...! I'm so glad we won't have to return the baby because we're having a girl," he said jokingly. I punched his shoulder. We used to always talk about having kids and he was always against having a daughter. I think it had something to do with his downplayed overprotective nature and having a daughter meant vulnerability and boys. The joke was that if we did have a girl, that he would tell the doctor to put her back in me. He was so ridiculous sometimes, but I loved every part of him.

"So, little Aris is in there right now?"

I laughed, "Yes sir he is. He'll be-" I was cut off.

"ALL UNITS REPORT TO YOUR COMMANDING OFFICERS NOW."

With a sad sigh, "I guess this is goodbye...again."

"Babycakes, how many times do I have to remind you, this isn't a goodbye. They're never goodbyes, just "see you agains"." With that, he wiped away my tears, hugged me and placed kisses all over my face. Then began humming, "See You Again" before crouching down, placing a hand on my stomach and kissing it.

I didn't even realize I was crying until I felt a tear fall down my face. I quickly wiped it away and put the photo down. As I attempted to pull myself together before joining everyone else, what felt like a hand, touched my belly. The hairs on the back of my neck immediately stood up. "Babycakes, don't cry this isn't a goodbye, just a see you again." I quickly spun around to see who spoke. But no one was there. Everyone in the room was standing on the opposite side, conversing.

I need to sit down, I thought. Then I realized I still needed to check on the kids. I know, my sister had put all the children in the playroom, but I couldn't shake the eerie feeling that someone was watching me. And that voice... I heard his voice. I'm sure of it. No. That's not possible. I shook my head and made my way to the playroom. I could hear my boys and the other children as I walked down the hall. I nearly fainted at the sight before me. None other than my deceased husband stood in the doorway.

"Jay?" I whispered in disbelief.

He then turned to face me, in the doorway. "Hey babygirl," he said nonchalantly.

"No. No. No. You're not really there." I said quickly to myself...I think. He...his ghost...whatever "it" is, took a step towards me.

I shakily, raised my hand up, "Stop, don't come closer."

"Babe...," "Jay" said calmly, taking another step closer.

"S-s-stop. You're not really there. You can't be. We...I saw them...You aren't...This...No...I saw you in the casket. They lowered you into the ground." At this point, I was hyperventilating and could feel an anxiety attack coming.

"Sweetie. I'll explain everything to you in a second, but I need you to calm down. You know stress and your anxiety attacks aren't good for the baby. I don't want anything to happen to her especially since...," he trailed off.

The baby! I looked down at my baby bump that was small but still visible. I put my hand on my stomach and tried to take deep breaths, but the sight of my husband...my dead husband standing in front of me wasn't helping.

"Baby, remember to breathe in, 5 seconds and then breathe out 5 seconds." But I guess from the look of things, he could tell that the recommended breathing exercises weren't working.

"It's been a long day, without you, my friend..."

I looked up from my knees because I was now sitting on the ground. Was he singing? He only sang when my attacks were really bad, as a distraction.

"...and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again. We've come a long way from where we began. Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again."

Then coming from the playroom, I could hear the actual song begin to play. This isn't happening, I thought to myself. I put my face in my hands.

"Juliette, please look at me. Baby, I'm right here."

I stayed as I was for a few minutes before standing. I stumbled and instinctively, he reached out to steady me, but his hand went right through me. A crushed look came across his face before he composed himself.

"Why don't you go join the rest of the family."

"But the kids-"

"...are fine. I've been watching over them."

"Can they see you too?"

"No, only you can."

"Of course..." I trailed off. Because I'm crazy, I thought. Not only did my heart break but my mind did too.

"You're only crazy for me. Ha! Get it?" said Jay. I rolled my eyes. "Babe, your mind is fine."

My eyes widened and I put my hands to my head. "I didn't say that out loud. How'd you know I said that? You can hear my thoughts too...?"

"It seems like it."

"How? Why?"

"Probably cause we're soulmates babe. We have such a strong connection. Even death can't keep up apart," he said winking. I rolled my eyes. He can never be serious for too long, always has to make a joke of things. Same boyish mannerisms since high school. And they say you mature as you age.

"Hey! I heard that!"

"Good," I said pointedly.

"You should really go and join everyone now before my mother sends a search party for you."

"What about you? Where are you going to go?"

"I'll be with you. Like I said I'd always be."

A single tear rolled down my face. Jokingly, "So are you haunting me now or something?"

"Nothing like that. I'm more like a guardian angel type. The Big Man upstairs didn't think you could live without me."

Rolling my eyes, again, I asked, "So only I can see and hear you?"

"Yes, ma'am. Now go."

"Wait, you said you'd be there with me."

His face softened, "I will. Every step of the way," he said softly. "Just try not to mention any of this to anyone. Don't want them to lock my baby mama up in the loony bin."

From that day on, just like he promised, he was by my side. He was there for the birth of our daughter, Anaïs Kaelee Simmons. "Come on baby! Push! I can see her head! Almost there! Look at her, she's beautiful; just like her mother," he said beaming.

He was there for Aris's first little league football game. "Make sure you stay wide! Watch the offense! Don't let him push off you! Lean into him!" I always relayed everything he was saying. Even though Lord knows I had no idea what he was talking about. He always coached through me from the moment Aris could first handle a football until the day he committed to play college ball. He was there for Alexandre-Jay when he followed in my footsteps and chose to play soccer. "Maybe it's the coach," he whined. "Babe, Coach Jenkins is a good coach and he used to coach Aris," I told him. "But still! Why soccer? No son of mine is playing soccer," he said pouting. I just rolled my eyes and waved him off. A-Jay went off to play in the Junior Olympics and was recruited to play for LA Galaxy. I'd never seen Jay look so proud despite his constant opposition to the sport. Every child's milestone, goal achieved, certificate earned, he was there. Even when I walked across, the stage and received my diploma for my doctorate, I looked out into the crowd to see him with the biggest smile spread across his face. "That's my girl! That's my wife! GO Dr. KS!"

And when I'd decided to adopt the most beautiful twin sisters from Egypt, he wholeheartedly supported me. "I still think you should have gotten another dog," he said jokingly. As per usual, he received an exasperated sigh and rolling of the eyes. "But no seriously, make sure you tell them about me. I know they'll never really know who I am. They'll only see pictures and videos and hear stories of this guy who's supposed to be their father. I'll be nothing but a ghost to them but you let them know every day that I love them."

When the time came for the kids to spread their wings and leave the nest, he was there. Just like he said he would. "When I look back on when we first met, I didn't ever think we would end up here. We went from not ever saying anything to each other to fake prom dates to an unconventional friendship that got complicated but no matter the obstacle we always seemed to gravitate towards each other. After so many years, you were the only girl who could get me to be a better me. You made me feel so much. And I did, still, would do anything for you if I knew it would make you happy. Because...damn this is so cheesy...but your happiness is my happiness. I loved how you always put everyone before yourself. I know back in the day, I did some pretty assh*le things and never made things official with you when I know I should have. But I'm a guy, emotions and feelings aren't our thing. I know it sounds like an excuse, but I wasn't mature enough to see the greatest gift God has ever given to me, was right in front of my face. You accepted me, flaws and all, no matter what. You were so patient with me and waited even when there were times, I thought you would leave. So, I made a promise to myself that I would stay by your side forever and never say goodbye because I didn't want it to end. Our love will never end. Even at 97, I still see you like I did back in high school. You're the cute and awkward 17-year-old with braids, that told me her whole life story the first night we stayed up and talked on the phone. You're still that 17-year-old girl that loves cars just as much I did. You're still that girl that's super passionate about fairness and equality and nearly bit my head off for making a gay joke. You're still that 17-year-old girl that can't cook without setting something on fire. You're still that 17-year-old that got drunk for the first time and serenaded me with Bruno Mars's, "When I Was Your Man" while professing your love for me. I know God made us for each other. As similar as we are, we are different enough that it kept things interesting. What I lacked, you possessed. I was made for loving you and because of you, I have become the man that I am today. You've helped me with so much. And for that, I can never thank you enough. I love you so much. I love you more than I can ever put into words.

Now babycakes, you can sleep. Sleep forever and know that I'll still be there when you wake up. Remember that this isn't goodbye, just a see you again."

"It's been a long day without you, my friend and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again..."

"...husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."

When I said those words to him, I didn't think that death would do us part two kids later, with a third, miracle child, on the way. We were still newlyweds, two and a half years into our marriage. I wasn't supposed to be sitting here, dressed head to toe in black, emotionally drained from the thought of living life without my best friend.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even notice that "Taps" had already been played and the flag was being carefully folded into the symbolic tri-cornered shape. The military chaplain then brought it to me and formally said, "On behalf of the President of the United States, the Commandant of the Marine Corps, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one's service to Country and Corps." I slowly reached out for the flag and placed it on my lap.

He's gone. He's not coming back. Even sitting here, at his funeral, with everyone coming and paying their condolences, the reality of it all still hasn't fully registered. I still feel like when we get home, the kids and I are going to walk into the house and he'll jump out and scare us, then pull out some crazy gift that'll make the boys laugh and me, roll my eyes. Then he'd pull me into his arms and whisk me into the kitchen where he'd place light kisses all over my face. I'd giggle and try to push him off me, but like always he'd manage to pin me up against the countertop. "Babe," I'd say hesitantly. I would eye him suspiciously as he wiggled his fingers. "Don't...even...think...about it..."

He'd jokingly bat his eyelashes innocently and pout. "Don't what babycakes?"

"You-"

"Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear about poor Jay. He was a lovely young man. God took this one too early if you ask me."

I shook my head to clear my mind and looked up to see our neighbor, Mrs. Ozenne, standing in front of me. Following the burial, at the cemetery, family and close friends had returned to our home for refreshments. I looked around the house at all the people here and even though this was a somber time, the atmosphere was light and loving. Jay was loved by many. He may have had a cool exterior but was the most sensitive and affectionate man who never failed to be there for the ones he cared for.

As I was walking towards the playroom to check on the kids, the pictures of us on the mantle caught my eye. My favorite picture was one of the first ones we ever took together. It was of us at our high school graduation, looking as awkward as can be. He had a head full of dreads and I stood pressed into his side, with an awkwardly large smile plastered on my face. Each picture frame held significant moments of our friendship throughout the years. There was one on his last day in the city before he left for college in Missouri. Another picture of us was the night before he left for the new college he transferred to in-state, the following year. The first time I attended one of his football games was captured too. I proudly wore a replica of his jersey with the number 2 printed on the back with his last name. The next one was his last night before he left for USMC boot camp. Then there was the one when he left for MCT and MOS schooling after his 10-day leave. Our relationship from the very beginning was so accustomed to departures.

I reached down and picked up the picture from his first deployment. I remember that day as if it was yesterday. While we were at the airport, I handed him our traditional parting gift. I had made him my special brownies, added a couple of bags of his favorite sour candies, a picture of us and a little something extra. In the bag was a birthday card, since he would be celebrating his birthday while he was away. Inside the card, I wrote, "I'm not going to be the only one calling you old man. Your son will too." After reading the card he looked up at me in confusion, looked at the card again, then noticed the little details. The blue chocolate chips in the brownies, the blue gift bag, the blue candy. Then he finally noticed the ultrasound picture at the bottom of the bag. He looked up at me with wide eyes, "No...".

I started to tear up, "Yes, babe. We're going-"

I didn't even finish my sentence before he picked me up and spun me around, yelling, "WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY! WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY BOY! HOLY SH*T I'M GOING TO BE A FATHER!"

I was laughing while tears streamed down my face. Uh oh! The spinning was causing me to feel nauseous. "Umm...babe...please put me down...I think I'm going to be sick."

"Sh*t! Sorry! Sorry! We're having a boy! I'm just so...! I'm so glad we won't have to return the baby because we're having a girl," he said jokingly. I punched his shoulder. We used to always talk about having kids and he was always against having a daughter. I think it had something to do with his downplayed overprotective nature and having a daughter meant vulnerability and boys. The joke was that if we did have a girl, that he would tell the doctor to put her back in me. He was so ridiculous sometimes, but I loved every part of him.

"So, little Aris is in there right now?"

I laughed, "Yes sir he is. He'll be-" I was cut off.

"ALL UNITS REPORT TO YOUR COMMANDING OFFICERS NOW."

With a sad sigh, "I guess this is goodbye...again."

"Babycakes, how many times do I have to remind you, this isn't a goodbye. They're never goodbyes, just "see you agains"." With that, he wiped away my tears, hugged me and placed kisses all over my face. Then began humming, "See You Again" before crouching down, placing a hand on my stomach and kissing it.

I didn't even realize I was crying until I felt a tear fall down my face. I quickly wiped it away and put the photo down. As I attempted to pull myself together before joining everyone else, what felt like a hand, touched my belly. The hairs on the back of my neck immediately stood up. "Babycakes, don't cry this isn't a goodbye, just a see you again." I quickly spun around to see who spoke. But no one was there. Everyone in the room was standing on the opposite side, conversing.

I need to sit down, I thought. Then I realized I still needed to check on the kids. I know, my sister had put all the children in the playroom, but I couldn't shake the eerie feeling that someone was watching me. And that voice... I heard his voice. I'm sure of it. No. That's not possible. I shook my head and made my way to the playroom. I could hear my boys and the other children as I walked down the hall. I nearly fainted at the sight before me. None other than my deceased husband stood in the doorway.

"Jay?" I whispered in disbelief.

He then turned to face me, in the doorway. "Hey babygirl," he said nonchalantly.

"No. No. No. You're not really there." I said quickly to myself...I think. He...his ghost...whatever "it" is, took a step towards me.

I shakily, raised my hand up, "Stop, don't come closer."

"Babe...," "Jay" said calmly, taking another step closer.

"S-s-stop. You're not really there. You can't be. We...I saw them...You aren't...This...No...I saw you in the casket. They lowered you into the ground." At this point, I was hyperventilating and could feel an anxiety attack coming.

"Sweetie. I'll explain everything to you in a second, but I need you to calm down. You know stress and your anxiety attacks aren't good for the baby. I don't want anything to happen to her especially since...," he trailed off.

The baby! I looked down at my baby bump that was small but still visible. I put my hand on my stomach and tried to take deep breaths, but the sight of my husband...my dead husband standing in front of me wasn't helping.

"Baby, remember to breathe in, 5 seconds and then breathe out 5 seconds." But I guess from the look of things, he could tell that the recommended breathing exercises weren't working.

"It's been a long day, without you, my friend..."

I looked up from my knees because I was now sitting on the ground. Was he singing? He only sang when my attacks were really bad, as a distraction.

"...and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again. We've come a long way from where we began. Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again."

Then coming from the playroom, I could hear the actual song begin to play. This isn't happening, I thought to myself. I put my face in my hands.

"Juliette please look at me. Baby, I'm right here."

I stayed as I was for a few minutes before standing. I stumbled and instinctively, he reached out to steady me, but his hand went right through me. A crushed look came across his face before he composed himself.

"Why don't you go join the rest of the family."

"But the kids-"

"...are fine. I've been watching over them."

"Can they see you too?"

"No, only you can."

"Of course..." I trailed off. Because I'm crazy, I thought. Not only did my heart break but my mind did too.

"You're only crazy for me. Ha! Get it?" said Jay. I rolled my eyes. "Babe, your mind is fine."

My eyes widened and I put my hands to my head. "I didn't say that out loud. How'd you know I said that? You can hear my thoughts too...?"

"It seems like it."

"How? Why?"

"Probably cause we're soulmates babe. We have such a strong connection. Even death can't keep up apart," he said winking. I rolled my eyes. He can never be serious for too long, always has to make a joke of things. Same boyish mannerisms since high school. And they say you mature as you age.

"Hey! I heard that!"

"Good," I said pointedly.

"You should really go and join everyone now before my mother sends a search party for you."

"What about you? Where are you going to go?"

"I'll be with you. Like I said I'd always be."

A single tear rolled down my face. Jokingly, "So are you haunting me now or something?"

"Nothing like that. I'm more like a guardian angel type. The Big Man upstairs didn't think you could live without me."

Rolling my eyes, again, I asked, "So only I can see and hear you?"

"Yes, ma'am. Now go."

"Wait, you said you'd be there with me."

His face softened, "I will. Every step of the way," he said softly. "Just try not to mention any of this to anyone. Don't want them to lock my baby mama up in the loony bin."

From that day on, just like he promised, he was by my side. He was there for the birth of our daughter, Anaïs Kaelee Simmons. "Come on baby! Push! I can see her head! Almost there! Look at her, she's beautiful; just like her mother," he said beaming.

He was there for Aris's first little league football game. "Make sure you stay wide! Watch the offense! Don't let him push off you! Lean into him!" I always relayed everything he was saying. Even though Lord knows I had no idea what he was talking about. He always coached through me from the moment Aris could first handle a football until the day he committed to play college ball. He was there for Alexandre-Jay when he followed in my footsteps and chose to play soccer. "Maybe it's the coach," he whined. "Babe, Coach Jenkins is a good coach and he used to coach Aris," I told him. "But still! Why soccer? No son of mine is playing soccer," he said pouting. I just rolled my eyes and waved him off. A-Jay went off to play in the Junior Olympics and was recruited to play for LA Galaxy. I'd never seen Jay look so proud despite his constant opposition to the sport. Every child's milestone, goal achieved, certificate earned, he was there. Even when I walked across, the stage and received my diploma for my doctorate, I looked out into the crowd to see him with the biggest smile spread across his face. "That's my girl! That's my wife! GO Dr. KS!"

And when I'd decided to adopt the most beautiful twin sisters from Egypt, he wholeheartedly supported me. "I still think you should have gotten another dog," he said jokingly. As per usual, he received an exasperated sigh and rolling of the eyes. "But no seriously, make sure you tell them about me. I know they'll never really know who I am. They'll only see pictures and videos and hear stories of this guy who's supposed to be their father. I'll be nothing but a ghost to them but you let them know every day that I love them."

When the time came for the kids to spread their wings and leave the nest, he was there. Just like he said he would. "When I look back on when we first met, I didn't ever think we would end up here. We went from not ever saying anything to each other to fake prom dates to an unconventional friendship that got complicated but no matter the obstacle we always seemed to gravitate towards each other. After so many years, you were the only girl who could get me to be a better me. You made me feel so much. And I did, still, would do anything for you if I knew it would make you happy. Because...damn this is so cheesy...but your happiness is my happiness. I loved how you always put everyone before yourself. I know back in the day, I did some pretty assh*le things and never made things official with you when I know I should have. But I'm a guy, emotions and feelings aren't our thing. I know it sounds like an excuse, but I wasn't mature enough to see the greatest gift God has ever given to me, was right in front of my face. You accepted me, flaws and all, no matter what. You were so patient with me and waited even when there were times, I thought you would leave. So, I made a promise to myself that I would stay by your side forever and never say goodbye because I didn't want it to end. Our love will never end. Even at 97, I still see you like I did back in high school. You're the cute and awkward 17-year-old with braids, that told me her whole life story the first night we stayed up and talked on the phone. You're still that 17-year-old girl that loves cars just as much I did. You're still that girl that's super passionate about fairness and equality and nearly bit my head off for making a gay joke. You're still that 17-year-old girl that can't cook without setting something on fire. You're still that 17-year-old that got drunk for the first time and serenaded me with Bruno Mars's, "When I Was Your Man" while professing your love for me. I know God made us for each other. As similar as we are, we are different enough that it kept things interesting. What I lacked, you possessed. I was made for loving you and because of you, I have become the man that I am today. You've helped me with so much. And for that, I can never thank you enough. I love you so much. I love you more than I can ever put into words.

Now babycakes, you can sleep. Sleep forever and know that I'll still be there when you wake up. Remember that this isn't goodbye, just a see you again."

"It's been a long day without you, my friend and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again..."