Until now I'd lost all hope in reason

Blankets of disaster tighten the rope

Swift is the pain, happiness is treason

The darkest valleys have the smoothest slope

Something steals time, I find myself shortchanged

Within the trade minutes steal miles unseen

I see that fate surely became deranged

Leaving me to know that I'm still unclean

Darkness becomes ideal from depths below

Twisting twirling compensating the lie

Hope in more than myself lets loose the crow

Winged beast hungry for souls will not comply

Although fallen heroes cancel decay

I find strength in being risen from pain

Until now, I'd lost all hope,

Cement was poured into my heart.

With some things I just cannot cope,

To be stone is better than to fall apart.

Because I have been searching,

I have been desperate.

My body's attempt at purging,

Was to find a new tenant.

Someone to love what's left of you,

Right out of what's left of me.

The love between foreign sheets was my cue,

That I couldn't resurrect a memory.

I knew I was deprived of someone secure,

Who wouldn't put my priorities on a shelf.

Someone with the patience to always reassure,

...That's why I chose to love myself.

Until now I’d lost all hope

But now I won't

every morning when I wake up

I wonder

would you be proud of me?

it really doesn’t matter though, does it?

because despite how much I wonder

deep inside I know

you never will be

the first month of college

I thought I was rid of you

but every day reminded me that

I wasn’t

I cringe when people are loud,

because I just hear your voice

I shrink away when people get close,

because all I see is you stepping forward

and my instincts are telling me to hide

I don’t drink

not after I saw what it did to you

I don’t sleep alone

because every time I do

I keep watching the door

hoping you don’t come in

but the part the hurts me the most

is how much he loves me

and how much of you I see in him

but I won’t let you hurt me anymore

Until now, I’d lost all hope.

The high, bright sun filtered through the leathery-green leaves of the towering canopy above me, bloodthirsty insects having their way with my exposed skin as I tried to mitigate the extent of my body’s overheating in the thick, heavy air.  I crashed through the underbrush far too conspicuously, making my way to the rendezvous point as fast as I could--all the while dodging the large, scaly ghost that I knew was there, just beyond the edge of my vision.

I didn’t know what it is.  I’m no biologist, let alone a paleontologist.  I volunteered to come here because being one of the scientists on this first mission was a game-changer.  I could write my ticket to any university, any private corporation, and all the funding I could ever ask for.  I’d argued and championed my case, finally convincing the board of directors that an astrophysicist would be an essential addition to the team.  Just think about what we could learn by studying the universe as it had been one hundred million years before the birth of Christ!

Oh, how I wished I had stayed with my dinky little department, booking observatory time and watching streams of data for anomalies.  My tiny, stuffy office had been safe, if not well-lit.  My coffee had been hot, if not potable.  And I would not be stuck here, countless ages in the past, being hunted by a ravenous dinosaur.

We’d known it was coming.  The perimeter grid had flagged the charging beast as it made its purposeful way directly toward us.  Webber had called the big one a Spinosaurus, right before it crushed the defense grid like a pile of twigs.  It didn’t eat her. . .  It just sort of. . . tore her apart with an indifferent ease that chilled me to the bone.  I couldn’t help myself: I threw up at the sight.  The fact that Rodriguez had run is probably the only thing that saved my life.  That poor, sweet man.  I’d sort of liked him, before. . .

I don’t know how I ended up with the beacon--I must have blacked out.  I just know that one moment I’m screaming like a madwoman as two lizards the size of German Shepherds dart out of the underbrush and leap on Mark, the security guy, and the next I’m running through the forest, the smooth metal cylinder tucked under my arm.

For hours I had despaired that I wasn’t going to make it, for several reasons.  The first was that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I stopped or slowed for any reason, I would be dino-food.  The second was almost slightly more terrifying: the beacon’s transmitter had been triggered, and I didn’t know how long it had been on.

The company who’d sponsored this trip, DynaTek, had stressed one single fact in the briefing before we’d all come here: once the return beacon had been turned on, the team had exactly six hours to return to the rendezvous point, or they risked returning to the present inside of something, like, say, the ground.  They only had the ability to keep the “door” open on their side for so long before they had to shut the device down, and due to the spin of the Earth’s axis around the sun, and the continental drift and changes to the landscape, there was no guarantee that the team wouldn’t end up phasing into a mountain, or even the vacuum of space. 

And so, I didn’t know how long I had to get to the one place the DynaTek had promised us they could lock onto.  I could be stuck here, one hundred million years in the past, as long as I dropped the beacon and got at least a hundred yards from it before it triggered, or I could risk popping back inside the Rocky Mountains.

IF ONLY I KNEW HOW MUCH TIME!

But then I saw it, and I knew I would be okay.  I’d almost lost all hope, but I finally broke from the dense underbrush of the forest, shading my eyes from the bright sun as I stumbled my way up the rocky crag of an outcropping that had been spray-painted in vivid, gaudy neon-orange:

CLICK YOUR HEELS, DOROTHY!

Whoever had written that had no idea how poignant the message would be to someone like me, and how ironic it was that they would never see their loved ones again.There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home! I chanted to myself as I scrambled to the top and lifted the beacon to the sky, checking the single green LED to make sure that it was lit.  As I did, caught a glimpse out of the corner of my eye and heard a high-pitched, shrill cooing from behind me.  Terrified, I punched the RECALL button as pain seared into my shoulder and the world tilted and blinding light surrounded me, before fading to darkness. 

Until now I'd lost all hope.

Giving up on the idea of a deep-rooted connection.

To find a heart to be the object of my affection.

I accepted that I'd remain alone to cope.

So I constructed my wall to never fall.

I would ride out the storm in seclusion.

But this feat was by no means small.

There is no denying my soul called out.

To find someone to make me feel again.

I buried these demands behind my own self doubt.

To open up and be vulnerable again?

To allow my heart to free fall,

Into the hands of someone worthy to catch it?

To never know when?

No.

I'd lost all hope.

*****

So I sat and stared.

Stared into nothing.

Sitting in a house I didn't own.

Fading in and out of consciousness.

The alcohol numbing my pain.

I speak to my demons in their native tongue.

They convince me to cross the line.

Maybe I've done enough good in life,

To look into the eyes of our maker.

To kneel before His golden throne.

So I took my first step onto the ledge.

Staring down into the abyss,

I knew there was no one left to save me.

*****

There were no signs.

There was no cue.

There she stood.

She had slammed into my life.

Like a meteor,

Escorted by trails of smoke and flames.

Plummeting from the heavens,

She burnt through my soul,

In brilliant flames of white, blue, and gold.

She destroyed the walls I built up.

And I willingly relinquished any and all control.

And I fell hard.

In my world of dark she stood out.

Encased in the light of her beauty.

Radiant. Pure. Calming.

Resurrecting a familiarity within.

But we had no past.

Yet our hearts spoke to one another like old friends.

As if there was a bond they've always known.

*****

She had caught me.

And I landed in the arms of the one who awoke me.

The one who allowed my wounds to close and scar.

The love I have for her runs deep within my veins.

So yes,

Until now I'd lost all hope.

But because of her,

The little hope I have still remains.

i.

Every time I hear that word,

"Shalen"

I cringe.

I cringe because of all that's attached

To that little, six letter word bound tightly

In anger and pain and frustration.

All the little things, because of that

One

Little

Word

Anxiety.

Depression.

Suicide.

I don't want it.

I don't want it.

I don't want it.

It disgusts me when I hear it,

Chipping away at my resolve like a vulture at a carcass,

That hasn't eaten in days

-I am nothing but the pills I have swallowed and the shadows in my room.

It is me- and I am it.

We're siamese twins

Conjoined at the waist

I can never be rid of it.

ii.

remember all those times, mother

all those times you repeated yourself:

"i'll love you no matter what, and i'll always support you."

you're a liar.

remember that time,

when i told you the words

"i want to be a girl"

what happened to your support then?

you disgust me-

and the fact i feel any remorse at that at all

terrifies me

iii.

i started today

having my friends call me

victoria

i like that name much better

and until now

i'd lost all hope

at happiness

perhaps one day

i can shed that hideous word,

"shalen"

and be who i really am.

today is not that day,

but repeat after me:

"My current situation, is not my final destination."

i can achieve happiness.

i can live.

i can make it.

iv.

My name is Victoria,

Hear me roar.

Until now I had lost all hope. Until now I thought I would never find you. Until now there was no light at the end of the tunnel. 

Now I see the train coming through the mountain. Now I see my way ahead. Now I have a ride to the future. Now I know I am not lost but rather found. Now I have you to guide me onward. Now my hope has become assurance. 

Before now I was alone. Before now I was mistaken. Before now I was mislead. Before now I was failing. Before now I was falling.

From now forward I can spread my wings. From now forward I can soar toward Heaven. From now forward I will look outward to see all I possess. From now forward I can be in peace. From now forward I am alive.

Looking back I can see I have come full circle. Looking back I can see that what I have found was right there with me. Looking back I see I was blind. Looking back I know that the Light has now become me. 

I am now the Light. I am now at Peace. I am now all I was meant to be. I am now going to spread my wings and fly across the Universe while singing a song for all to hear. That song is Love.

Until now I'd lost all hope-orange melting down the sky as we stood in the water, burying our feet in pebbles. Willing ourselves to lock down minutes while we pulled back. Tried to erase the other from memory and sound. 

The low shush of geese landing on the surface purred ripples over our calves and I could feel tiny hairs flinching in the currents. Breathing in the water as if it was suddenly possible to live in suspended belief. 

That sunsets would always rain upon us, holy fires burning up every vial of self-pity until we were washed clean in the heat of nebulae. 

For a second, I was full of grace. For a second, I ascended. 

Until now

I'd lost all hope

With mournful words

Sadness echoed

Light was drained

My blackened soul

Anchored deeply

Consciousness wept

Guilt overwhelming

Forgiveness waxed

Until now

I’d lost all faith

A two foot casket

Named Pandora

Cloaked in layers

Suffocated by soot

Her pink spirit stifled

Asleep in the darkness

Gasping for air

A white dove escaped

Until now

I’d lost all desire

A lonesome swallow

Perches alone

Lyrical memories

Carried by ghosts

Limbo is humbling

Freedom deceives

Away she flew

Until now

I was asleep.

Until now I lost all hope, or at least I thought I had. I willingly convinced myself everyday that all of my hope, every last shred of it, was gone. To admit to myself that I still had hope was too heavy a weight to bear.

You see, when he first started using, I saw it for what it was, recreational fun. Who was I to tell him how to live his life or enjoy himself? We all have our vices. So I put my better judgement on the back burner and let him have his fun, forgetting about all of the obstacles he overcame. 

I saw his "recreational fun" turn into a daily habit and still, I said nothing. He had been through so much in his life. If I would have gone through all of it, I would want to numb my feelings, too. I always knew when his memories were plaguing him the most by the quantity he required. The more pain he sensed, the more he consumed. He was developing an addiction and still, I said nothing.

I saw his addiction turn into chemical dependence. I watched as he shook violently on his lunch break, suffering from withdrawals as early as midday. He would blame it on stress or whatever ailments cause similar symptoms, but I knew the truth. Still, I said nothing.

I saw his chemical dependence deepen and he was fired from his job. Family and friends disowned him. They couldn't stand to watch his addiction overtake his life. I stood by his side, fearing what he might do if I spoke up and held him responsible. I held his hand and showed him what little love I had left. His pain was now my pain. My life was dedicated to his care. I became bitter and resentful. Still, I said nothing.

I watched as his addiction took his life. I held his hand as he took his last breath. There he lay, a shell of the great man I once knew, so frail and fragile. This once handsome, vivacious man dying a coward's death was more than I could take. 

The day of his funeral, I was the only one to attend. I poured out my heart and soul, speaking all of the words I never dared to speak. For so many years I had convinced myself I had given up hope. I hadn't. A little part of me held onto the hope that he would one day decide to change, that the love we had for each other would be enough for him to rehabilitate. It wasn't.

This moment, standing over his casket, this is the moment I lost all hope. There was no bringing him back, no rewriting his fate. It had been sealed. I realized that hope has much value in life, but hope without action cost me my love. Now I wish I had spoken sooner.