i bob up and down around the surface constantly
it's not difficult to slip back down and keep going
the first time this year that it happened was a while ago now
if i'm being specific it was in march
if i'm being specific it was the twelfth of march
i don't want to make this about her again
because it should always be about you
i dropped all the way down through my new normal
to a place i almost didn't recognise
you sort of gripped onto my hand
on the side of the bathtub and up the road
you didn't leave my side for the week
i don't remember it well i think my brain slowed a bit
but i'm grateful for how much you didn't mind
when i couldn't stop crying
we'll be together forever because otherwise
i don't know how i'll exist
for what it's worth
i think you saved my life
more painful things
turn into paintings
on a palette
that were dried out
makes pigment bridges
‘it’s the colouring that concerns me’
truth be told
for the person
triple x pain
cry like a cockerel
‘it’s not your fault’
when life serves unskippable ads
pull out a pad
sketch a draft
new neverland map
never doubt the fire
The Winter of Unbearable Discontent
The desolate chill numbed my soul
A winter like no other pressed me to the edge
Recoiling in horror at the heart I once knew
A stranger lived in my head
Someone I never knew existed
Pushing me closer and closer to the jagged, icy crevice
Silently stepping off solid ground into the void
Broken wings flailing at the laughing air
As I tumbled through the emptiness
Swallowing me up
with unthought words
I would have cut my heart out
And traded it for a bit of peace
Barely clinging to myself
Fears, delights, anxious nights
Scratching at the door of my mind
Begging for entrance as I pushed back
Against the frigid winds
That threatened the life I loved
Spring breezes have melted the icicles that gripped me
Softly sweeping away the gray snow that blinded me
Bringing me home to myself
Letting me breathe again
Letting me feel again
Buds on the trees remind me
I made it though
This Winter of unbearable discontent
Pa-rum Pum Pum Pum
So much pressure
In the dark and dank
Salty water I can taste
Some little drummer boy
Makes a water torture
Rhythm just at me
Pa-rum pum pum pum
Pa-rum pum pum pum
Stop pushing me!
It's so crowded in here
And the hat doesn't fit
A square peg
Out of a round hole
The hat-band stretches
To accommodate me
Tight--hurts my head
Stop the pushing and shoving
Leave me (alone--too late)
Pushing me from behind
But The Outsider is here
Seizes me from above
With salad spoons tight tight tight
Gains purchase of my swollen head
Synchs the asynclitic
And pulls so hard on me
So hard on me Par-um
I'm between worlds
Between Heaven and Hell
In a place for infants called Limbo
The person pushing and the one pulling
Conspire to resettle me
At the end of my rope
My valve is closing
I'm a beast with two heads
And thrown center stage
I appear and my heart races
I struggle to move
I gasp and
How soon forgotten
Is the land of dark and saltwater,
The leeching and selfish
From the light and the sound and the cold and the drummer
I seize my own drumsticks: Pa-rum pum pum pum
My Saviour, My Light; Myself.
Icarus is swallowed by the murk of a blue-black ocean,
The sun forgotten.
Light is so far from him, now
That he has forgotten the feeling of its rays.
Oblivion has taken what made him dare to fly that high in the first place.
He only struggles to stay afloat.
He is dragged under again and again,
Sometimes so far down he's sure he will not make it this time.
And he doesn't...
And then he does and he does again.
On the surface, he calls out to a saviour.
To his father.
To the sun.
To god, man or devil.
He would give his life to feel alive again
But all he does is drown.
For too many years.
He thinks it a punishment, at first.
He thinks he deserves it.
After all, who was he to disobey?
Who was he to want more and reach for a celestial entity, blinded by his curiosity, instead?
But soon, he will learn that the world and the gods and fate are not necessarily vindictive,
Nor are they kind.
It is only a matter of individual perspective.
And that, really, is all it takes.
A shift in perspective.
Icarus goes from fighting and clawing his way through the dark blindly to remaining still..
He becomes one with the waters and learns how freeing it can be to let go for a while.
How little things matter except the things that simply mattered to him.
The water was a mirror to his soul..
Dark, violent, terrifying, beautiful.
All at once.
His body is pulled and prodded but the exhaustion has seeped in so suddenly
That he can't fight with himself any longer
And one day, he is finally left to the surface by the bored, disappointed whirlpool beneath.
Slowly, painstakingly, the young one sows in himself the idea that perhaps the light and saviour was him all along,
Daring to swim ashore and begin anew once more.
who knew caterpillar forums were actually a thing.
Wake up. Roll over.
Fail to recognize an endlessly blue sky.
Linger for a moment or two. Or maybe until another hour passes by.
The gleaming alarm clock reads, "Fifteen minutes to go."
Always fifteen. Always on the go. Always rushing nowhere to be on time
as you wade through the molasses and the cold.
Get up. Brush teeth, wash face, comb hair.
Take daily showers, try to rinse yourself away;
try to get some sense of feeling back into your skin.
But you don't. Because you can't.
Because every day it's getting harder and harder to keep up with the mask.
You haven't been outside in so long. Does it matter?
The air beyond these four walls is just as stale as the one in your chest.
Breathe in, breathe out, eat, sleep, wake up,
brush teeth, wash face, comb hair,
stand in front of the mirror, stretch your face into an unrehearsed smile.
It looks unnatural. It hurts the corners of your lips.
Suddenly, one day, you see Something.
On your balcony there is a potted mint plant.
In the mint plant, there is a caterpillar.
It is...fuzzy? Get closer. It is.
It is black, with reddish tips, a row of petite boot-like feet.
When was the last time you referred to something as cute?
When was the last time you felt genuinely curious about anything?
A voice in the back of your head says you should leave the caterpillar alone.
But really, how much of a chance does it stand against any kind of bird,
against the pelting rain, against this suffocating molasses?
It is there, all alone, with nowhere else to go. Just like you.
So, you grab a proper container, cut open holes into a lid,
reach into the mint, carefully placing
Bonifacio the Caterpillar into his brand new home.
Bonifacio munches through the leaves with remarkable speed--
Hungry hungry caterpillar, indeed!
You still struggle to pick up the pieces, to take care of yourself,
but it gets easier as you care for something that needs you to keep it alive.
When Bonifacio needs a bigger home, you make him one.
When Bonifacio needs fresh food, you go outside on the hunt for different
And you actually chuckle for the first time in months as he eats a leaf
while sitting peacefully in the nook of your hands.
And suddenly, it stops.
Bonifacio buries himself in the earth.
He is either hibernating
before he morphs into an agreeable tiger moth,
or he is on the other percentage leaning towards 'probably gone.'
You nervously observe for the longest month.
And just as you think, "I should've never interfered.
I should've left well enough alone."
You see him again, from the corner of your eye.
Fuzzy. Pearl-white, tiny black legs,
He flutters and stares.
When he is ready, you release him,
and you finally remember the names
of your gleaming, bright stars,
as you look up
at the sky.
My chest burning with unspent emotions,
choked my voice;
Unspoken words residing inside me,
rot my mind;
Desperation clogging my heart,
made me dizzy;
But a part of me, broken but still alive,
reminded me, the simple pleasure of
Tugging my lips into a bright smile
out of habit, further chipping away
my resolve to end it...My Life...
'Twas my first day
I was shy, cute and nervous
Though it wasn't hard to see you from faraway
Fifteen minutes left, but I was still anxious
Finally, the bell chimes
All in the class including you, smiles
My heart hammers within my chest
Only you can put it to rest
All I wanted was to be more than a friend
But all I got was to see your very grisly end
The coward in me couldn't ask you to stay
Perhaps that way, I could've kept death at bay
I thought I was the only one to desire you
But the Grim Reaper had other plans too
Here we are, wearing clothes of ebony
Gazing at your epitaph is more than agony
I could've given you the gardenias you so admired
Perhaps a secret gift to get you all fired
I did not get a chance
To tell you how special you were at first glance
But then the rumors say that you
Had most likely loved me too
My heart hammers within my chest
But even in death, only you can put it to rest
But your love is sufficient
Because lately I feel less reticent
I feel it spreading like poison in my veins
I'm dancing while it rains
Tears of joy and pain
How I would to see you again
But for you I'll be happy
Because I have your love blooming inside me