wash my sins
in the waves formed
from neglect, the
drip, drip, dripping
from smiles gone askew
for icy water
that closes my throat
but demands each hair
stand on its end,
ready to be touched
along the waves
of sandy beaches
trying to remember
what it's like to be ashore
Open Heart Surgery
We had claimed to be woven from the same cloth! We had wrapped our love in poetry, and swore that nothing could harm our childlike joy that we received from loving and laughing together.
Now she was removing my heart again, with a terrible antiseptic thrust, as we sat on the middle of a Grand Rapids street. We had stopped here for a jag to revaluate our fate at a small mission hospital fortress that catered to the homeless in the middle of Bum Town, which is what downtown Grand Rapids was at this time of day. The hospital had some huge steps that one could sit down to survey the kingdom of dirty concrete jungle and grey glumness of parked cars and dying ideals that could freeze anyone's blood. Heidi's eyes looked dark and veiled. This was not a place where love could survive. Heidi brought this point home to me like a bludgeon to the head, by being brutally honest about our affair, and telling me that it was completely done for. It was wrong, and we both knew it. Right at that moment a bum walked by who looked so disheveled that he appeared to have walked off a movie set! He was hunchbacked permanently with his nose to the ground, and he clothes were literal rags hanging off of him. He looked up and grimaced like a turtle peering out from his shell and despising light. I at once latched onto the poor beggar and felt like his soul was my soul at that instant, completely shattered from head to toe by the realization that Heidi was done. We tried to revive the flawed relationship a few times after this moment, but nothing could repair it from this obvious moment of perfect despair.
The cold seeped into her bones, dread roiling in her gut, as she waited for the Storm, which will pierce the silence that descended in the air. It came, the Storm, this time it left her gasping, she was given the ultimatum that she knew she will receive eventually..... How are you supposed to choose the person you love more, when you have never dreamt of a day they will fall apart? when you love them so fiercely, who will you chose to lose, who will you choose to be with?
I don't want you
At least I don't think so
But I need you
Or that is how it feels
Here's the problem
The thing that troubles me
They always say
It's when you know you know
But I am scared
Because with you, I don't
I lit a candle in the wind
By the beach
The spray of every crashing wave
And the breath of every breeze
Threatening the love aflame.
I curl a hand around the wick
Afraid but still walking forward
Into the sand
Into the darkness of the night
That reveals nothing.
Hopeful that the fire will live.
But every grain beneath my soles
Quivers and nearly slips away
You stand not twenty paces out
Holding an empty lamp and oil
To protect and nourish my light.
There is nothing more I desire
Than for you to crave this too
To feel empty in your chest
And untethered to the earth
Without me in your arms.
Hopeful that your fire will live.
I cry out into the wind
The candle clutched to my chest
Wax pooling down my palms
Burning and blistering and bubbling
And still I offer safe harbor.
Your smile makes the flame waver
My heart follows suit
Lungs compressed and narrowed
But I risk the journey
Hopeful that our fire will live.
Years have passed since you came in
Unexpectedly, like a storm.
You made me question everything
All that I knew before changed form.
My world fell and so have my nerves,
So I buried myself in denial
To put everything back on my terms -
A safe distance from your ambiguous smile.
I went through all stages of grief
As I willingly ripped my heart out.
Our interaction, although brief,
Left a deep mark, clear and loud.
I thought it was fear, or anger;
I thought you were wrong and I was right.
The sight of you made me lose my temper
Or end up in a "fight or flight".
I spent forever to come up with a name
For this awfully bizzare experience -
I tried everything and nothing came
Nor could I cause its disappearance.
It persisted with Herculean might
Piercing the layers it was under.
Finally, it had been brought to light,
Released from this prolonged slumber.
A feeling that I hesitated to define -
Powerful, bright and pristine.
A feeling that resists through time,
Mindbending, euphoric like a dream.
A feeling that awakes my soul,
An endless game of run and chase,
A feeling that I can't postpone
Nor cancel, drown, or replace.
Years have passed since you came in
And after all, today I know
This feeling that has crawled under my skin.
Finally, now, I can let you go.
strangers yet intimate in ink,
he a word weaver without equal
hypnotizing letters into lines
attentive and perfectly posed
in poetic trance or dance
to end in spellbinding prose
She an apprentice
with stars in her eyes and heart
cracked open revealing
the strain and struggle of each
loop and line painstaking
fictionalizing truth in amateur script
to end in exposing question
Flurries of messages exchanged
in a tennis match of text
her story divulged for his expert eye
ingesting, suckling each syllable
and sloughing callouses
of gauche ambitious hand
guarded domain unearthing
to end without fingerprints
From across the room
a desperate yearning
in his gaze, magnets find true north
open mouths, tongues touch
a liquid sweet dance ensues, a tornado
twisting and ripping characters
from a scene, a plotline made for two
to end in romance … or tragedy?
I feel a love so strong, so pure,
But it's suffocating, I'm not sure,
If it's worth the pain, the constant fight,
Or if it's time to bid goodbye tonight.
I'm drowning in a sea of doubt,
I'm gasping for air, can't get out,
The love that once set me free,
Now feels like a cage, I can't flee.
I try to leave, but I can't go,
I'm trapped in a love that won't let go,
It's like quicksand, the harder I try,
The deeper I sink, and the more I cry.
I'm lost in a maze of emotions,
The uncertainty, the commotions,
I don't know what to do, or where to turn,
The desperate love, it makes me burn.
My heart is racing, my palms are sweaty,
I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm not ready,
To face the truth, to let it go,
To break the chains, and finally grow.
But as I stand here, in this dark place,
I know that I can't hide my face,
I must face the truth, and take a chance,
To break the cycle, and start a new dance.
So I take a deep breath, and let it out,
I whisper a prayer, and scream a shout,
I'm ready now, to face the pain,
To leave the desperate love, and break the chain.
I did not know where they were
I did not find them.
Then I did,
and it drove me to the cusp of death.
Then I tried to find a way to save them,
and it was all in vain.
Later people said that I went insane.
That I lost it.
That I could have died a noble death,
instead of in a hospital
screaming my throat sore.
Love is like a beautiful blade, its only dangerous in the wrong hands.
And your hands were drenched with blood.
Yet I stayed.
I stayed for you daggers of abuse and hatred, I watched as you gave your love to everyone..but me.
Not that I cared, it hurt yes but the wound losing of you would kill me. Despite the fact I knew I hadn't truly smiled in months, being with you was draining because I knew your sweet words were as empty and as broken as a shattered cup.
I want you to love me and ill stay here until you do, through all the pain and worry and panic all the anger and hatred i feel, i will stay here for you. For us.
Don't ignore me.
I'm begging you.
Just love me....