You did this to yourself you know. You left me when I needed you most.
You'd scream every name you could think of at me and tell me I should die then play pretend to everyone else like everything is fine. At night you'd hold that blade in your hand, tempting me to give it a try. You're the worst person I've ever met in my life. If I ever meet you outside of my mind, you'd be wise to run and hide, it was always going to be your or I.
I hate you
I hate everything about you
I hate that you get to sit in prison while you deserve far worse.
I hate you for taking advantage of me when I was 8.
I hate you for hurting me and my brothers.
I hate you for making my flinch anytime someone raises their hand
I hate you I have flashbacks and nightmares
I hate you for causing me to sleep with a nightlight
I hate you for me being 17 and my life is still f**ked up
I hate that I have trust issues
I hate you that I cry when I hear or something reminds me of you
I hate you for giving me PTSD
I hate you for giving me anxiety
I hate you for giving me depression
I hate you for making me fall for all the wrong people
I hate you for causing me to feel alone and to have a need to be with someone
I hate you for f**king up my life
I hate you for you being in my head
I hate you for making me feel scared
I hate you for you being me in my dreams and making me scared to sleep
I hate you for making me feel guilty for everything you did because I didn't say anything
I hate you for giving me pain
You f*cked my life up, and I hate you for it
It's me, your better half
Or so I've been told.
With a glass of wine in front of a fireplace slowly rubbing toes.
A patched up blanket and a pillow from the couch.
Me loving you was what it was all about.
A smile, a cuddle, a world of our own.
A message on the phone saying
Leave us alone.
Those moments I cherished until you cheated on me.
No! I'm not marrying you,
Get off of one knee.
You snake in the grass serpent,
Feeding me all of your lies.
While I laid on your skin,
In my pillows I cried.
My goodness wasn't enough
For your cheating soul.
You show off the Sterling,
When you could've had GOLD!
The reason for this letter
is to kick you off this ride.
I suggest you go pack and leave,
While I still have my PRIDE!
the choices you made with the poison you take.
Back in the days when I slept
with an 80 proof bottle on the left side of my bed,
the world was blurry, uncertain, with strange emotions
I barely knew what to do with.
I saw him tearing up over a ghost I dreamt about,
I saw her tearing up as I held her face between my hands,
so I helped them, between clean shot after shot,
they never knew about from how well-hid it all was,
as I snuck in the bathroom and punched all of its walls
over and over,
and over again,
until my knuckles were bruised,
the hidden bottle was gone,
and my spirit was torn
with the memories
of all those nights
It's a sick, sad situation...
Playing the game of real estate,
And cutting out the human aspect
With a scythe...
It's the reason I left Grand Rapids...
I needed a new lease on life,
And I was tired of witnessing
All of the authentic local businesses,
And real people get cut down
For an exchange in capital...
It's not practical...
It's killed the artist life in so many configurations...
It's not regulated, because it's not considered a thing,
And it's hard to see with all of life's distractions...
But it's there...waiting to strike...
Like a saw scaled viper in the night!...
I saw it happening on Wealthy Street...
The resident African American and Mexican, white poor artists all
For a new upper class aesthetic
That the real estate agents were going for...
What a fucking bore it all is when
Money is the deciding factor over life...
It's a sick, sad situation...
Playing the game of real estate,
And cutting out the human aspect
With a scythe...
I saw it happen on Division street
Where the upscale pseudo New York lofts
Moved in that only the rich college kids
But they had a sliding fee scale!...
Let's give the motherfuckers an applause!
They favored the trickle down theory economics
And the human side was forever lost...
That shit could only be understood by the
Highly privileged and the conspirator from the inside
Who choose the right proportion of ethnicity
From a racially biased list...
The lifeblood and the grit was squeezed and many
Neighbors were given the heave ho!...
Not a pleasant way to manage life...
A Falsetto of a human gesture
Disguised as progress and renewal...
And slipped up the patients' arm
Like an I.V. for a dying breed
That will soon be sent to pasture...
The new blossoming artist is introduced
To life through this imploding factor...
It is disgusting, and I pray that something changes...
Where the arts are once again championed,
And we're all not stuck living in our nostalgic cushions...
While the real estate men take a gluttonous bite
Out of the world and won't look back...
I see New York's Big Apple in the trash...
The remaining real human beings will be toppled...
As the rampant Privateers ride on!...
My Life is Burning to Ash From the Match You Threw in Rage
Let me go
Set me free
No more guilt trips.
No more threats.
I am a woman, and that makes me strong
Let me protect myself
because God only knows,
that you won’t
You tell me it’s Love
but what is love
when you’re throwing your hands up in the air,
dismissing every word,
puncturing your own skin
to punish me
lashing out when I don’t read from the script
can’t you listen to me, just this once?
I gave us a chance
and I was proven wrong
You hurt me
not only that, you broke me down
scared the living hell out of me
because when I stayed like you asked
you warned me you’d do the thing I’m most afraid of
and it would be my fault
so I stay and you destruct
then blame it on me
as if I must be punished
for finally opening my eyes
but now I am back
and I regret it so much
it isn’t so easy to run anymore
I let you make me cry harder and harder
as you continued to dig deeper
Now it’s my turn!
I made promises
early on, when you acted so different,
I let you make me hate myself
because I felt so wrong
The way you twist your words,
you know what you’re doing
You used to make me feel obligated
to withhold our promises
but then I was told
“A coerced promise does not get honored”
and that’s when I opened my eyes
You are a narcissistic abuser
In textbook terms
and you fit the description just so perfectly
it makes me sick
it makes me weak
So won’t you stop!
Sometimes I wish I never loved you
Then I’ll think, I deserve this
but the truth is
no one does
I’m just waiting for the day
I have some strength
to leave you!
You can manipulate me
to get what you want
but how does that make you feel,
knowing I am just a puppet?
Why can’t you see?
Crying on the floor after yet another fight
I look into your eyes unsure of what I'm trying to find
All I see is emptiness staring back
Void of the warmth they once had
I want to scream why can't you see
See the pain you put me through
See how I love you
See how I can't watch your self destruct
See how you can't keep going on like this
See that no matter how much pain you put me through I won't leave
Why can't you just see?
You can just skip to the end
Thanks for making my difficult life a little harder. You are an automaton functionary whose decisions are arbitrary, capricious, and devoid of any humanism. You perch yourself in your cubicle and pontificate into the aether without the slightest conscience or ethical sensibility.
After a full rendering of my circumstances, you still decide to punch out the most convenient disposition, then just go off on your little day with no insight into the chain of untoward repercussions you've initiated. My problems continue, thanks to you, while you just check off another box in anticipation of the next hapless victim in your bureaucratic timeline that only pursues an ultimate pension as its reason to be. Meanwhile, your ruinous ruling is a snap judgment, and then you play territorial bulldog against any appeals of reason. Would it kill you to just say yes?
No, it wouldn't. It would go nowhere except to the family it would help. You're an angry, little pip of a person, in a position of power, doing your job carelessly and immorally in the boxes you check. I have to wonder--just who raised you to be someone like that? Maybe I should be contacting them?
I could call you many names, but I'm sure you've heard them all before. Just listen to your last hundred voicemails or so, if you've forgotten. Then go off to lunch with your other willy-nilly automatons and then on to your little grayscale life amidst the black-and-white authority you wield in an otherwise technicolor world.
Oh, and fuck you. Stronger letter to follow.
I wasn't planing on doing this challenge, until a this morning.
There was an event that happened over the summer, that was rather nasty, with a girl who I used to be friends with. This morning, something happened again.
I will also not be "yelling at her" because I can't fathom actually saying them to her. I will just explain the situation instead.
I will not be using her real name, I will instead call her Erida.
To me honest, I feel slightly guilty about writing this, but I need to. I ask for no judgement please. If you know me in my personal life, I beg you not to read.
Erida had done numerous things to make me uncomfortable. She was unsympathetic about people's heath, mentally and physically, even going as far as to tell me that my friends suicide attempt (that put them in the hospital) was going to disturb her day because everyone was going to talk about it.
I have mental disorders that make it so I need more time after big trips or events to recover. She often disregarded that fact and tried to repeatedly tell me to go do something with her because it had been such a long time sense we did that particular thing. When I would tell her no, (and include why I could not.) She would tell me that I was being unreasonable and that I should just come anyway. (This also happened after an upsetting theater event that I needed time to get over. The day after it happened she texted me and I told her I couldn't come, she then called me and told me that I needed to come because she really wanted to hang out and I was the only person who wouldn't come.)
Then, in June, Erida had said something to one of our friends. (about her physical heath and needing alternate transport) that had really upset her. I had, of course, taken the friends side. When confronted Erida had said that she was "just trying to be sympathetic."
After that event, my anxiety around her began to get worse and worse. I was trying to find a way to politely confront her about it, but until then try to act as normal as possible.
Erida caught on though. She texted me about it, say that I was hurting her feeling because I always acted tense around her. She asked what she had done.
I tried to politely tell her what was making me uncomfortable, and that I just needed some space and that I didn't know if I wanted to be friends anymore.
She responded saying that she didn't remember all the stuff that she had done.
I thought she had understood what I had said, and that she was sorry and would give me some space.
Turns out that wasn't right.
Two week later. She texted me angry that I hadn't spoken to her and that what she had done didn't warrant me treating her that way.
What the f*ck?
I was upset, and I didn't know how to respond. I didn't even want to respond, but she clearly felt the need for one.
I left it for a day, and then got my older sister, who knew about Erida's bitchy behavior.
My sister read over my text message and told me that it was "too polite." and that I had been saying that I was allowing her to put the blame about what she had done on myself.
My sister helped me write out what my friend had done to make me feel the way I had. It was a rather blunt letter, but that was the only way I could tell her where she would understand what she had done. We sent it. At the end it said that I didn't think we could be friends, at least for now, and that I was sorry it had to end this way.
She didn't respond.
We didn't talk.
All our mutral friends found out. Only the one who had confronted her first stayed close friends with me. The other stayed with Erida. My parents were not happy with me. They said I should have stayed friends with Erida.
When the school year started, we ended up in a class together.
This morning we were waiting for the door to the classroom to open. I was just trying to be polite. I asked her if her day was going well.
She told me that we shouldn't talk to each other. That I hurt her feelings over the summer.
What the literal f*ck?
Mind you, there were plenty of time over the year that she had asked me how my day was going. I had told her and that had been the end of it. She has asked me questions, and I had responded nicely.
Now I can't stop thinking that she didn't even get the point of me ending our friendship. She had been toxic as f*ck. She hurt people I cared about. I had allowed her to hurt me for months. She had destroyed a lot of my self confidence with her rude comments and bitchy attitude.
I know she probably didn't mean for me to get all worked up over it this morning. She probably was just uncomfortable.
To be honest, I didn't handle it well. I cut her off when she was trying to explain why she didn't want to talk to me anymore. I told her, "If you don't want to talk to me anymore, that is fine." I said it in the middle of her explaining herself.
The whole ordeal made me feel like a bitchy asshole. It made me feel like an asshole not only for what I did this morning, but for what I did in June.