It's seven o clock. I'm pacing around the doorway of my room, rambling off to my friend about the one eyed dog who ate Russian olives like a curious house cat. At first I can't tell if that lightheaded energy in my chest is a side effect of my enthusiasm or a symptom of something else. When I go to the kitchen my entire body is sprouting in light convulsion. My hands shake a bit when I put them in front of me, but my stomach isn't growling despite all of this. I haven't eaten since lunch, seven hours. I'm not starving, I've just got the shakes. That confusion your body gets when it misses its scheduled meal for a few hours too long after little to no physical activity. The stomach wants something, but doesn't know what it is. In turn, it sends a nebulous message to the brain to have the whole system sputter. The shakes are generally calmed down by frozen pad tai and a slice of pretzel bread. It all feels not needed, but the digestion wants it. The lack of work confuses it.
Can I just say... Have you ever seen a donut? I always pity those things. They look so damn normal but you find they're not a whole. This huge chunk in the middle's ripped right out in a perfect circle and there's not a damn thing any of them could do about it. Well, I feel like a donut right now, all hollow and missing some important piece, friend. I'm missing a little extra to fill me up good and proper, a nice warm round pastry without empty insides. And I'm not asking for much, really I'm not. Just a bit of sustenance, sustenance of any filling kind... Be a dear and help me with a dozen of those forever-gutted baked goods, I... I just want to help.
There is a deeply rooted need within my soul
A longing for something of creative sustenance
To fill the void created by the residing ache
That permeates throughout my being
I thirst for so much more than what is tangible
The ever encroaching desire and need
Wraps me in a thinly guised veil of longing
With no foreseeable end in sight
The universe laughs, taunts, and mocks me
Telling me my thirst may never be slaked
Nor shall my deep desires be quenched
Despite the many years I walk upon this earth
Oh let me see all I can see with eyes wide open
Whilst my heart is fully ready to embrace the beauty
Don’t make me wait for manifested dreams
But feed me hope with every breath I breathe
Pray, let me soar above the mountains
And partake of all I can to sustain my soul
As I embark upon the paths yet unknown
Until at long last, I take my final bow
Sustenance or Perish
Though round, my stomach feels as though it had been gutted
it's straining for anything
Anything to get it's form back
Remnants of what I had I now lack
I only taste a metallic and nearly animal taste surging within my throat
As the edges of my gums become a gnarly moat
Every creature and plant before me
Becomes some sort of unexplained delicacy
If, while over come by this, I run free
A deprived being loses any sense of standards
And without that uniform, our bodies are slandered
Running maniacally till one's energy is hammered
I'm getting off track, I reckon
I've a rabbit to beckon
This Fucking Feeling
Within my center, stabbing at my abdomen deceptively dull knives fileting my flesh no more than fish cutlets.
The metaphor makes me drool.
My thoughts no longer my own.
If I could I would ravage you. Kill you, tear you to pieces.
You who submits are my beloved, so silky and smooth and sweet in my mouth.
You who resists me, who impedes me earns my primal, virile hate.
So then, let us begin.
You sit there so smug and sublime.
My suffering reaching a fever pitch.
Near to my knees.
"Just bend! HOW DO I OPEN YOU!"
The package of donuts tore spilling two upon the floor.
Everywhere I look, it's there, calling me.
I feel energy draining from my body while
my ten track mind is twisting and turning.
My head hurts and I am irritated and tired.
But I had a donut yesterday
So when I look in the mirror,
I see an 80 pound girl weighed down,
Weighed down by a ton of thoughts about her body.
I look around, again, at all my friends .
They're shoveling pizza down their throats, laughing and talking
And all I do is worry about the calories as my being slowly shuts down.
Find me yelling
'Enough is not enough'
Even though I just had an offering
Don't stop giving my life is too rough
Mindfulness doesn't matter
Expense doesn't matter I just don't care
Gulping, chewing just swallow
Love it, hate it, who cares
Underneath my stomach wallows
Oh no, I'll just devour
Now is not the time to end
You have to keep me full