A Letter to Those Still Learning to Fight Their Demons
My 21st birthday was one month ago. At the age of 17, my future was black. There was no 21st birthday. It was empty space, one that was supposed to be filled with hopes and dreams of the future. There were no images of the many years to come; there were no visions of myself in my college graduation robes, my thoughts typed out for the world to see, the sweet flavors of my wedding cake, or holding my own child. I didn’t crave the future my peers wanted so desperately.
I want to tell you that it will be okay. That it is going to get better one day. Those things are true, but true healing lies in the depths of your emotional banks. It is not easy, by any means, to dive so deep. Sometimes your true emotions exist in a version of yourself that is unrecognizable to who you know.
There are still slivers of darkness that sneak in the days, weeks, months and years that are lived in the newfound bliss and romanticization of life. That’s not to say that life isn’t beautiful—I have found more beauty in myself and the world than I knew was possible. Healing was like turning the saturation up on your picture of the sunset. It was beautiful to begin with, but now the grey and faded shadows that cover the deep pink and red streaks decorating the sky have disappeared to almost nothing.
how tragic, they loved each other
you're a kid, how does it feel
to know so much, and have no words
still a child, happy, excited
paranoid and riddled with insomnia
can abandonment be learned
or am i as terrible as i fear
kicking and screaming
so quiet, mature, a pleasure to teach
now it's clinical
failing, giving up, crying too much
praying to someone dead
feeling everything that keeps me alive
will one day kill me
She thought she could give without receiving, but there's only so much you can give until there's nothing but an empty carcass.
Betrayal is a dish best served to the unexpected.
"Hello, how are you doing today? Did you find everything okay-ish?"
Life is nothing but a handprint on a dirty window.
Sing a song of melancholy; it makes the time go by.
There IS a light at the end of the tunnel... some tunnels are just really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, REally, reaLLy, R e a l l y long.
I tiptoe the line between compliance and rebellion daily.
I will walk the tightrope and then ever so delicately allow one of my demons to drag my foot through chaos.
Brief. But impactful.
Compliance is critical.
But only on my terms.
Rebellion is a necessity to keep the lambs on their toes.
For without rebellion, there would never be a need for compliance.
And without compliance there would be anarchy.
I have no desire to overthrow anyone.
I just like to periodically, remind them that I’m still here.
To Sum It Up
I can't wait until I grow up. It is going to take forever to be a grown up. What the....! Are you kidding me ? For real? You can't make this up. Here, hold my beer - watch this! Am I on Springer? What? I ain't playing. Who do you want me to call...your momma or your daddy? Let's call both. Is it really still just August...seems like we should be on Thanksgiving break by now. The race is on and the gray is starting to win. Time flies... pages from the calendar and disappear faster each year. Grateful for this journey. Each moment is precious. Thank you God - you know my days as you know my name. Thank you God for giving this amazing gift. Thank you for every sunset and each sunrise. Remember It's all about the dash - what you do in between. Life. God bless us all.
A Random Life
If I earn their love then they won't hurt me.
I was hurt by someone I thought loved me.
I just didn't know it was pain and not love at the time.
There are so many people and I will never be enough.
Oh, I'm depressed now.
Years pass, it doesn't get better.
Years pass, I try to make it better.
I'm terrified of people and the lack of and emotions and the lack of and love and the lack of and my broken side and the lack of and healing and the lack of and...
The struggle continues and onwards we go
Potential Tombstone One-Liners
She had so much potential.
Oldest sister to three.
Daughter, friend to some, maybe more?
She wouldn't shut up about how she had ADHD.
She also wouldn't shut up about literature and theatre.
Could never sit still.
Had a lot of passion.
Joked about starting fires a lot.
Got a 4.0 freshman year of college, and was going for another one.
Was starting to think that maybe she might have a future in storytelling.