I didn’t see the thorns.
I didn't see the thorns.
It's true, I didn't see them.
I thought it was the intricacies of love,
but it was nothing but a thorn in my side.
I didn't feel the thorns.
Its true, how could I feel them?
When its a story pointed towards romanticizing,
I grow numb to the sharp sting.
I didn't notice the red flag.
It's true, I didn't notice it.
Maybe because the red flag was crumpled up into a beautiful rose,
and nobody had ever given me a rose before.
Her wrists, elbows, her cutoffs, ponytail. The warmth of the asphalt on her bare feet. I think the heat had got to me. She was so cute, so beautiful. I wanted to brush the pebbles and dust from her feet, kiss her, say "I love you," and get us to the nearest place to sleep. I put the car in Drive again and rolled up next to her. "C'mon, Laurie, get in the car. I'm sorry."
Again she stayed looking straight ahead but this time gave me the finger. I pulled onto the shoulder again and and let her get small in my headlights. This time I waited until I couldn't see her anymore. I turned off the car, got out and took in the stars and crickets and heat. The moon was a yellow pearl. So much beauty we could be enjoying together. Looking at the moon I also saw her wonderful butt and her tender thighs as she stepped over some small lump in the road.
If I were to zip by her, would she make it to the next off ramp? Who would pick her up? What then?
Back in the car, nothing but wind.
"I'm sorry I called you a whore."
"I'm sorry I called you a stupid bitch."
The side of her face. I touched my knuckles to it.
She was asleep and turned away when we pulled into the Motel 8. When I pulled the seat back she squeezed my wrist.
All they had, or so the lady said, was a double with two queen beds. I went up and pulled back the sheets before I carried her up. I slept in the other bed but in the morning I got in with her and we spooned and I held her and then there we were again, trying not to gross each other out with our foul mouths, filthy tongues, and sweat and grime.
Yin And Yang Souls
Chaos and anguish,
Is attractive to mundane peace,
Loving each other,
Then poisoning the other slowly,
Because your energies are not twin,
They are karmic,
Every kiss is another spec of fear,
From the deepest depths of your souls
Insecurity rings within your ears,
We love people who destroy us,
Because it's in our nature,
Danger is more intense,
Than a healthy relationship,
You never know what he will do next,
It's polarity but in a human way,
The sex erases all of the hurtful thing's he could ever say,
In the end you'll be left crying again
It's a pattern,
Horrible and beautiful cycles that never end,
Generations of pain,
Because we are conditioned to be this way,
By the universe's hand,
We are broken humans.
How Human are We?
I was raised on the notion that deeply embedded in every soul there is an ugly thing - an inescapable wretchedness. It is born of a hundred thousand inconsequential, long-forgotten injustices. It is a thing that calls out for love in whatever form it can get and howls in rage when fate throws unexpected trials in our way. It beats against all our ideals and ideas of self worth and the worth of others until there is nothing left but a wound in need of some kind of dressing. A toxic love can cover this wound and hide it from the world, but it is not clean. It will fester. Make our blood boil. Make our minds go numb. Make our hearts feel lost. How intoxicating a thing like this can be - how wholesome in its imperfection - beautifully dire - horrifically dysfunctional - how human.
I Put a Spell on You
When you love someone, the things that hurt, hurt so bad. We all know what it's like to love someone who isn't good for you. But loving someone without boundaries allows them to hurt you without consequences. It has a lot to do with how much you love yourself, too. We're not really attracted to the toxicity, but the intoxicating feeling of loving and being loved.
He cared a lot
He cared enough to ask where she went
To take her phone
To keep her from the people who would hurt her
To take the car from her
To keep her at home
To leave when he hit her
To watch her from afar
To watch her through the window
To apologize the next morning
To give her flowers
To give her a ring
To tell her he loved her.
No one else had ever cared so much.
I believe that we are attracted to the toxic because in this generation people are addicted to toxic relations. Like we want to have fights, we are in need of feeling lonely or depressed, even causing scenes out of nowhere to feel good.
See if you look at the rose, you will be amazed by the color and the way it is made that when you will touch it you only then will realize the thorns where actually from the beginning there. People only see what they want to see, but sometimes what you are looking at isn't the one you need. You may feel like you are needy or you need to fix them but they are not in need of your help, and just like the rose needs to be thrown in the rubbish, you realize what a waste it was. The only bad thing is that you still stay there cause of the feelings and the love you grow for them.
What I'm trying to say is that we may fall for someone with a hard past which leads to a toxic relationship but it's up to you if you leave early or stay and make yourself depressed and used by someone you think it brings out the worst, even fights.
In the society we are living in
Nothing wrong is considered to be a sin
We are trying to normalize everything
So where do we draw the line for wrong and right?
Perhaps when someone gets injured in a fight ?
Or that person does not live to see the next morning light?
It might be entertaining when we are filming
But when does our moral compass kick in
So where do we draw the line for right and wrong?
Do we need to hear it in another bad love song?
Or perhaps on breaking news
Where they can only find the victims shoes
How do we choose
When to stop
And When to go
Is there a button?
We all need to know
Since when getting hit is being loved
And shouting profanity at someone is getting the problem solved
Or cheating on your partner is the only resolve
Then out the mouth is I Love You
When there is no response, why are we getting mad?
The other person has feelings too
Then again, some of us were taught we have to stick it out
Because that is what love is all about
Never knew love to be bitter and run red
With marks and bruises to the head and to the legs
When we watch the movies we are entertained
But in real life who are we entertaining?
We have nothing to gain
Going through this meaningless pain
If we knew what love is
I highly doubt we would be taking our cues from showbiz.
I remember back when I was in high school I had a crush on someone who was not necessarily 'toxic', but not a nice person to me. I had a major crush on him because of his achievements and academic/physical abilities so I kinda looked at him as an idol. Despite the fact that he definitely did not like me, and did not treat me well, I still looked up to him simply because I equated his success to him being amazing.
I thought that if I wasn't being friends with him or if he wouldn't like me back, it would be the end of the world because this guy was the 'it' guy, and I wanted to be with him.
I would say toxic relationships seem romantic simply because of the people. The guy might seem toxic but he's crazy accomplished or he's incredibly good looking so people excuse his personality because of his achievements. They see the girl chasing the guy and they're thinking - yes, this is a relationship she should pursue because of how ___ the guy is! Even if the characters fight, they still think that they should be together because the guy is so amazing. Hence, a lot of toxic relationships in movies often have the guy as super rich/super power (50 shades of gray, I'm looking at you).
Not sure if it equates, but I excused a lot of concerning behavior from my crush simply because of how handsome and accomplished he was. I'm sure if I were to get in a relationship with him it would have been bad and yet I would've made excuses for it. Looking back, I am glad he did not like me back. I have since found that there are far more fish in the ocean.
Picture this. You are seventeen sneaking out at 2:30 am to go hang with the boy that has been begging you to hangout. Instead of getting in his car and expecting to drive to an empty parking lot (since that is what this generation has come to) , he brings you to a secret spot on the beach with all the stars in the sky out in the darkness of the night. Romantic right? I thought so too. I do not fall in love easily per say however when I was getting dropped off at the top of my street at 5:30 am, adrenaline rushing, hoping my father didn't notice I was gone, I could not help but to reminisce on the hours that I spent talking about absolutely everything and slowly began to realize what falling in love felt like for the first time. And I mean real true young love. From that day on there was not a day I did not spend with him. Coming from a broken family and meeting someone who makes you feel complete is something you do not understand until you meet that person. Fast forward about a year and realize you have been living with him for months now, share your first puppy together and everything seems so perfect. Except that is exactly the opposite. This relationship that I loved with everything in me was literally too good to be true because it was a year into it and I realized I was in love with a narcissistic boy who didn't know how to truly treat someone for the life of him. Then, I am a lost eighteen year old girl who was stuck in a toxic cycle with someone I referred to as the love of my life. Toxic relationships start off perfect, and romantic and you give yourself to them completely just for your partner to eventually completely destroy you as a person. But you love them right? So you continue to stay and let them treat you however they want. Whether it is the daily accusations of cheating, screaming in your face calling you every name in the book, scaring you on purpose or physically threatening you. You stay. Because every ounce of love made up for each scar he mentally left on me. The saying, "you just do not get it until it is you," is something I will forever preach. Leaving is never as easy as it seems when every part of you is fighting for them to change and to be the person they were in the beginning. I never would have imagined in a million years that my first love would have treated me so poorly. The toxicity never just ends when you're in a relationship with someone who only cares for themselves and their-self only. One day you wake up and realize it has been two years since you could keep a smile on your face or god forbid even eat a full meal. Movies and TV show this idea of "toxicity being romantic" because deep down we all just want someone to choose us and continue to only choose us regardless of the shit they put us through. No relationship is perfect but there is a line drawn between normal arguing and mental abuse. Our brains are powered to think that the way someone treats us is entirely backed up by what we think we deserve. Looking back, I do not know why I stayed for so long when it was slowly killing me trying to make someone else happy. I did not deserve any of that. Nobody does. The thing is, toxicity is just as addicting as the next drug. One hit and you want more. You want to see how far someone is willing to go for love. You get high off the idea that someone is obsessed with you and every little thing you do. You become a completely different person and you sit and cannot even remember the girl you once were before all the abuse. The last two and a half years of my life have become a huge blur and when I finally realized hey I deserve more from someone than he is willing to ever give, I walked away. It has been in no means "easy." I often mind myself thinking of the what ifs and what I could have done for him to love me differently. I thought that my life was going to end because for months I could not even get myself to answer a text or leave my bed. The truth is loving someone even though they are toxic is not in the hands of the abuser. You are human and feel feelings and when you feel them hard, love makes you act in strange ways. So, when we see a couple in a movie and we see the effort of the abuser doing anything to keep the victim to themselves we find it cute and just say "oh its normal, love is not easy, they will work it out," In reality, toxic relationships are exhausting, mentally draining and the easiest way to kill yourself without actually dying.