I feel love, just differently.

I don’t talk about myself often so I apologize that I can’t express myself well.

I’m sorry, but I lied to you. For years.

You’ve been waiting for me to admit it.

Either way, you deserve the full truth.

If I summoned up my courage would it be enough?

I wish it were so easy to say.

I’ve felt this way for so long. I’ve tried too many times and always failed.

How could you ever consider me? The guy who’s been bullied for years?

I can’t even speak in front of a crowd, and would rather stay at home playing video games by himself than go outside and face the world.

I’m always thinking. My thoughts are loud and violent, but I’m meek and timid. If I spoke up I knew I would say the wrong thing.

My words always get snagged in my throat, cutting me on their way out, but erode quickly after being exposed.

I will tell you soon. I just need time to muster up the courage.

The feelings come to me easily but always feel uncanny.

I cringe at the idea of hearing myself say those words as if they don’t sound genuine.

Simply because they're mine.

You’re so dear to my heart, but love is not known to me.

I do love you. I promise. I’m just not enough

And maybe that’s my ego talking. I regret even the thought.

I’ve dragged it on long enough!

I realize now I’m procrastinating.

I can’t live my whole life in fear!

Right?

Next time I get the chance I will tell you everything.

I’ll stand up to face you in my mirror reflection.

I’ll look upon you and aspire to be a better version of myself that could make you proud.

I’ll always love you tomorrow, but not today.

One day

we will all see it

What we can't see now.

Today someone woke up and said:

"I am too fat."

or

"I am too skinny."

Tomorrow someone will say:

"My hips are so big"

or

"I need to eat less."

Next week someone will say:

"I need a smaller nose."

or

"I wish I never did that to myself."

Next month someone will say:

"I'm too ugly"

or

"I'm too tall."

But,

years later

when they are 80 and breaking

they will realize,

That they were fine they way that they were.

They could walk without pain.

They didn't have a cabinet full of medications.

They could live alone without fear.

Now that they are 80,

they can love themselves.

Blue bird singing outside my window,

letting me know the day is new.

I lean on the frame to say hello.

I watch her land in the nest with her babes.

Beautiful creatures perfectly made.

The second I feel You;

I know that I’m Yours.

Not literally, but in my heart,

like the babies and the mother bird.

Little ones that don’t speak at all,

yet they know to whom they belong

because she treats them so well

and grows them to be so strong.

The sound of my engine giving out on me again

fills the air as tears suffocate my eyes.

Fourth time this week, my boss

won’t continue to be understanding.

My forehead meets the cold tan steering wheel

of my beat-up pickup truck.

A sigh leaves my mouth.

Every day I want to give up

but,

When life drags on hopelessly,

I dance with You.

Again and again,

you take the lead,

so I don’t have to.

A woman with short, bobbed hair yells at me in Target

for accidently scanning her dog food twice.

My hands shake and my voice quivers,

I feel foolish.

I feel belittled,

but,

I have Your Word tucked in my heart.

They never leave me, nor forsake me.

Letter recipes that sit so sweet on my tongue.

One taste and my paralyzing fears are gone..

“The Lord is my light and my salvation;

whom shall I fear?”

Daily reminders of truth that shine light

on the darkest of evils.

I remind myself I am called beloved

and wipe my tears away.

The green numbers on the oven glow 11pm.

Sitting on the tile floor, alone in the kitchen,

phone in hand, scrolling through Instagram.

Slapped in the face by the posts I see.

My “friends” must have forgotten

to invite me,

but,

Your comfort is as solid

as a steady heartbeat.

At your table,

I always have a seat.

For love and affection,

You never make me compete.

At the very end of everyday

when the air is stale and silent,

I get to sit still and chat with You.

My dark grey comforter forms a cocoon

and my Cinderella nightlight illuminates the room.

There’s no big epiphany or trumpets from the sky.

It’s me talking out loud to the only being that ever

makes me feel like I’m worthy to be alive.

Though I try to stray every day to live life my own way,

You continue to let me come back,

carrying the shattered pieces of my longing soul.

Delicately you place them together again,

as if it never got a scratch.

My eyelids droop and my voice begins to fade.

A few last thoughts escape me.

They’re a jumble of sleepy mumbled mess,

but Jesus doesn’t mind.

You’re mine and I am Yours.

You’re with me till the end.

Thank you. I love you,

my very best friend.

When all the chemicals and hormones

That make me feel in love fade away,

Will I still want to be with you?

Will you still want to be with me?

When the good times seem far away

And life is falling apart,

Will I still want to be with you?

Will you still want to be with me?

If looks fade away

As we age,

Will I still want to be with you?

Will you still want to be with me?

Love is more than emotions,

They're definitely involved,

But love is a choice,

A choice to patiently endure the hardships

Because I know you

And I love you

And I want to get through this with you.

It's taken a while

It's been a bit hard

I've needed some help

But I've finally found myself

God sent me His love

He gave me some songs

He sent me some friends

And He's helped me along

I can finally say that I've found myself

I can love each piece of me

Even if it's not every day

I've been helped and I can find a way

I was walking north and the wind

blew ever so slightly,

my hair whipped around my head.

Your scent must have clung

to my long, blonde hair for dear life.

I try to hide my smile

and thank the wind

for the reminder of my souvenir

from my night prior.

This was never going to be easy

We knew that from the start

But when you said my name like that

I gave you my whole heart

I didnt realize what you'd mean to me

Or how youd be my rock

(But to live my life without you

I would die of a broken heart )

-moonleight

The door is locked

I have no key.

But I still love you

And you love me.

You love me

I love you more

But I can't reach you

Because of this door.

I'll search North and South

I'll look the world round.

But still, it seems,

The key is not to be found.

Wait, here it is!

It was on the the floor!

Now I can finally

Open this door!

In each other's arms

We will forever stay!

Not parting ever;

Not tomorrow or today!

“To have and to hold”, they said.

All these years later, I watch them.

They rearrange the livingroom furniture. Why have they always had the couch facing the TV, when it could have been the love seat instead, they ask? Now every movie night is a cuddle session, encouraged by arm rests hemming them in on each side.

They get home from work. The moment they set eyes on each other, one moves to kiss the other - just a peck, nothing gratuitous, but it’s ritual, established, a reminder of deeper affection before discussing the past day.

They sit on the porch with their coffees every Saturday morning. Half an hour, an hour. It’s just them, shoulders brushing, basking in the early silence of the day before the earth wakes, sipping quietly, the occasional murmured remark exchanged. No pressure for conversation. Just pleasure of companionship.

All these years later, they still have and hold each other.

wouldn't I love to pour my heart out--

dear you,

the chosen one,

you're my breath of fresh air...

entangling stories or

parallel lines, twisted once.

I can breathe without you,

I've been doing it this whole time.

none of it's written in ink, you see;

it's all smeared like it's accidental,

and was it? when we can't see the stars?

how I wish for you to look at me,

you--any of you--with a glittery gaze.

tell me it's meant to be?

dear me,

dear you,

what I mean is don't leave it unsaid.

I'll make you fall, watch me,

tumbling over and over and over,

or do you just look upside down

because I am?

wouldn't I like to be the one

entangled,

wouldn't I like to be dear

or you

and all I've written here is that

--simply--

I love you the way that I do.