Every word pulling, draining

my soul has a funnel that pours all my emotion into her

I am left empty, a one-way arrangement where she takes all

every word twisted, sickly sweet

a honey coated trap in which I am caught

she says she cares for me and has me in her heart

and loneliness is colder than the way she treats me in the dark

she is cold,

but being alone is colder.

i have never felt more alone

while being so close to someone i love,

but i know that without her,

i am more empty than i would be with her.

Why so mad lad? You Sad? As well as your, how is your dad? (Mr.Sapp)

I got a hunch. As to why your panties are in such a bunch.

The old mans out to lunch. Drinking his own cool aid. Proudly presenting his damned self to punch. Drunk! Skunked!

He’s off the short bus and making a B line for us. Sad set upon Sad. Second sons time has come to do something about Dad. Threes company but Juniors a coward. The old man ain’t himself so I felt empowered.

To act! And that was that. Im glad I finally got to see myself nap the old Sad Sapp out. Erasing some of my own lingering doubts. That worried I’d never get my chance to take the title in a rout.

No Ill will remains. You’ll find none the need to pout. Two wrongs don’t make a right. So no two Sad Sapp’s will go to sleep before making up tonight. Nice and polite. As granny Sapp would’ve liked. Psyched! Call her Ms. Sappy if you nasty. All else take a hike.

Truly someone must have known

Her troubled heart and mind

I was not in that circle

Remember my first sight of her though

The sad but pretty smile

Even now it haunts my thoughts

Eternity and the veil separate us

Never to be sure of what could have been

There is a pillow between us.

A sounding resonate of anything but lust.

We may twist and turn,

Throughout the night.

Making sure,

Our bodies are ready for flight.

Toss these heavy pillows away,

Only the coldness seem to stay.

Darkness of the impending sleep,

Restless words... they're haunting me.

And when the sun may soon to rise,

Against, another sleepless time.

Loneliness is here to stay.

The light doesn't keep this darkness away.

Loneliness is colder than the way she treats me in the dark

It makes me think of you and when I had your heart

Together we lay here in the silence of the dark

My longing for you is forever but a spark

Loneliness is colder than the way she treats me in the dark.

Loneliness is colder than the way she treats me in the dark

The warmth of the bed does not help my frozen heart

My words are empty and the meanings are all stuck in my heart

I wish I could tell you my thoughts here in the dark

Loneliness is colder than the way she treats me in the dark.

loneliness has become my second nature

is being too numb to respond usual here

colder now is the returning winter, still it's less intense and cruel

than that from some Novembers ago, the one with dilated pupils

the day I began to mourn all the wasted years

way out of there was my sole remaining desire

she, the angel of my purpose, died for a moment

treats of all kind seemed to have tragically ended

me, a failure yet again, or so they say I was

in the absence of all hope, faith, and trust

the same place I'm sitting, writing this chapter

dark days as such would revisit me much later

How are you?

I’m okay...

Perhaps I am good

It’s just that

The past...

It haunts me

It crawls up every nook on my body

Crawling all over tainting my already tainted skin

The layers build-up

Up, up but not away

Ugh I feel so filthy

All the soap and scalding water won’t ever wash it away

I want to rip off my skin

Gouge my flesh

But It never ends

I remember all the weeping

All the dripping blood

Pools of blood and tears

I remember it all, everything, every single second

The colors...

The haunting azure, the soul-stirring crimson, and the obsidian which made me reminisce of my time in the black hole

The flavors...

The deadly sweet nectar to the falsely comforting bitter coffee

The lovely melancholy scenery

I relive the moments over and over again

While I yearn for it all to end

Perhaps I should just end it myself

I’m tired of existing

I’m tired of me

Myself

All I want is nothingness

The pure comfort of nothing

Nothing

Is that too much to ask for?

Even with all this perhaps I still am good

Thank you for asking

There’s a level of hatred, almost a skill.

To feel like the winter’s first bloom

(Small, alone in the frost) in the busiest room.

My phone emits steamtrain vibrations,

Memes, groupchats, “I love you”s.

(“Do you really?”, I think.  I’m a cynical fool.)

To wield power, all power, to smile,

And to shine.  But to hoard it in spite

Or your own tired mind.

Not even a selfishness in your embitterment,

Choosing, the choice well-presented,

To suffer, not grant yourself joy (and for free!)

It is something else,

To be achingly lonely because of yourself.