I feel like I'm holding more than I can carry,

I feel like everyday a new expectation of what my life should be is laid down on me.

Through all this, I try to be everything you want me to be.

Through all this, I carry my head high and fake a smile,

Though I'm hurting from all the weight.

Hoping expectations can stop being made before it's too late.

These expectations just fill me with self-hate.

I’m holding up so much more than I can carry

My shoulders ache from all that I drag behind me

I’m carrying bricks of memories with me

In sacks that are worn and raggedly

When will this torment end?

When will my heart finally mend?

When will peace arrive and greet me as a friend?

I'm tired of carrying this heavy burden all on my own

I don't like to admit it but I'm so alone

Help me please

Relieve me now

Or I will leave

This earth, that is my vow.

I’m holding up,

so much more than I can carry.

I’m no ox,

and I’m no beast,

for I carry not a plow.

But I burden under time’s command,

bent double under stress.

My back bows and shoulders hunch.

My neck strains and muscles bunch.

Yet you see not my effort.

I’m not built to burden.

I’m not made to carry this.

So know my pains

and hold my yoke

if only for a moment.

"I'm holding up, so much more than I carry."

You yelled in my face, the pink flaring in your cheeks. The tears streaked down your face, and I could see the world cave in your eyes. I opened my mouth, trying to find the right words to say. But my hesitation cost you more than you could handle. The choked down sob lodged in your throat, your tears soaked in your skin. My hand reached out to touch you, but you slapped that away. In that moment, I grew angry. I pushed back, and that was my mistake.

You shook your head, your face twisted into something I never saw before. A coldness washed over you, and you walked away. I watched with tears in my own eyes, as you stepped away and out the door.

My worst mistake was letting you go. Letting you walk out that door. I should've ran in front of you and slammed it close, forced you look me in the eyes. Now I can only see you eyes in old photographs, matched with a taut and superficial smile.

I would apologize, but apologies don't bring back the dead. But I guess it wouldn't hurt to try.

I'm sorry I couldn't save you.

I’m still here

screaming your name

and you don’t understand

I’m holding up

so much more than I can carry

and it’s only a matter of time

until my spine cracks

and I give in

just so I can see you

again

Tripping down the tippling floral lane

Tumbling forward like daisys on a chain

Turning over and over

Rolling stones and clovers

Salty sun kisses

Blessing my cheeks

I miss alot

But I look forward to more

When one window closes

I can open a door

I'm holding up so much more

than I can carry

Down down

Down down

Burst wide

Open

Split at my seams

Pouring out sunshine

Light rays and beams

It's not my job to fix you

It's not yours to fix me

We start again as separates

Now let's be free

Just because I carry it well, doesn't mean it isn't bound to collapse a'top of me. My hands are straining. They are blistered, bleeding, and bruised. My feet aching from carrying the extra weight. My mind spinning and thoughts are speeding 1000 miles per hour in my head. My chest tight, and I can barely breath. My throat is swollen from the tears I am constantly forced to retain. I am this image that everyone paint me out to be. But... what they don't know is that I am holding up so much more than I can carry.

“I’m holding up, so much more than I can carry.”

"Then set it down."

"Then all will be lost."

"Says who?"

"This is true. I'm my own person. I will set it down to relieve myself!"

"Don't!"

"Why not? You said to."

"I did no such thing. I asked who told you to hold it. For surely, if someone you loved or God, Himself, said to carry it, you should carry it with joy and gratitude. But if a stranger or your enemy should ask you to carry it, then you are not obliged."

"But it is so heavy!"

"Is that a bad thing?"

"I will get tired and fail!"

"Only if you don't want to carry it anymore."

"So, I shouldn't?"

"No."

"So, I should?"

"No."

"I hate this conversation tell me straight!"

"Every day, every moment, every second of this life, you will carry all types of things. Heavy. Light. But regardless, you will carry. But you also have a choice. If you carried everything through life, your legs and arms will be weak to do anything else. If you carry only carry what is easy and light, the first heavy thing thrown to you will surely crush you."

"So, what do I do? How do I choose?"

"Carry only what you need, so that you can help other people carry theirs as well. And when this life ends, be sure the things you carried are worth the trip."

You say to go up not out, but you're the one feeding kindling to the fire you started

It's easier to burn the people beneath you

Trying to explain away your own mistakes

Scapegoat us into keeping your secrets in order to keep our jobs

and you stick us into a waiting game

and I hide my tears behind a calm facade that I like to call professionalism

but really is just called scared

You're up in your ivory tower, away from your people, away from perspective

Tell me what I did, what would you rather have me do

You might burn me but if I turn to ashes-

you'll end up burning too

I'm holding up so much more than I can carry.

I'm not okay.

I can not hold on anymore.