2020, you were the worst lover
you're the one that screwed us over; i gave us a chance, painted the vision soft on your palms; it was you who washed it off.
beginning relationships // constellation blind.
you held blind trust against my eyelids as i felt your hands on my hips, i thought your laughter tickling my ears was pure sincerity; no, i didn't suspect it then to be pure mockery at the unforeseen irony. so when you showed me the midnight you had crafted on the first of january, darling, i penciled in stars and hearts. who would've known i was blind to the constellations you were making, you stole my stars once i moved on to another and sew them together into something far more. and i never noticed anything until the quilt was done and you suffocated me with my own dreams.
struggling relationships // celebrating cruelty.
i once praised words are pieces of art, but old habits die easy when your lover grows cranky. and so i traced the phrase in the air, my lips pursed as i watched my heart scratch against the shattered glass. "happy anniversary, you're drunk." but you're just shaking your head and leaning in, wondering i won't kiss such a forgiving man. carefully i slipped the card from Wal-mart off the bed, told him he was sickening, something i couldn't stand. "
ending relationships // inevitability tastes bland.
it was like i couldn't even remember why i loved you i just know i do; that's the pain of loving you. and long-distance sucks but i've met couples who pull through, but not us, no, not you-you just acted the part when the camera rolled but the space felt like it was wasting you away. i tried, i truly did, but why leave the house when the world scares you? so when time came to pick up the pace, i shoved my ballot in his face: "i vote for my saving grace." it wasn't you, that much i know is true.
remembering // the ghost's name is nostalgia.
lyrics cry every night you promised to hold me tight just to forget the knife you left in my spine (careful, blood stains easy). and you mirror rejection ugly, quite unbecoming, like how the publishers told me my prose wasn't worth collecting. but i've learned to adore a me without you, regardless of the time it was taking (and how it's still a tad heartbreaking).
i should've known it was over the day i met you; i was far too excited for that fairy tale ending; you had such the audacity, it was appalling.
“You Love Me”
So sick of my mistreatment - the nagging, the silent treatment, the imagined slights - I made a decision: I would ignore her. I would act as though she was not there.
The mornings were easy. My job started early, much earlier than she arose, so I was out of the house with no contact. But upon my return, I had to remind myself, day after day, of my plan to make her feel as unimportant as she considered me.
I talked to and played with the kids. I made their tea. I read to them at bedtime. And when they were asleep, and only she and I were awake in the house, I remained silent. She did not aks me questions which I did not have to answer. We sat and watched the TV screen, seemingly oblivious of the other person in the room.
This farce carried on for three or four nights. Not a long time, no, but for someone as jovial as I it was a nightmare. Was she not learning the lesson? Had I not been overt enough in the doling out of her own medicine?
And then she came to me. She smiled. She took me in her arms. In a tone that told me she had not beleived it in the previous ten years, that it had only dawned on her in these past few days, she said:
‘You really do love me, don’t you?’
I was too dumbfounded to voice my thought: I have spent half-a-week completely ignoring you and you think that is love?
That’s how I knew it was over.
When the words of the lies stop cinging your burned skin.
When you can finish the excuse before they say it outloud.
When you feel empty pains and they feel full and nuruted.
When you can't dream in sleep but stay awake to hear their snores.
When you don't have anything left to give their greedy hearts.
When the feeling fades and grows dark...it's been over.
I always get a feeling when they want to say goodbye.
It is always the fact that they text differently.
"How are you?"
But I know it is just for show. They never use that many exclamation points.
They never lie.
Usually they tell me straight out how their day went or that they had a weird dream. But they never just say "I'm good".
It's always about the text. I can always see right through them even with just a simple text.
With Micah it was a text.
With K.D. it was a text.
With Alex it was a text.
I just hope I won't get that text from Hayden. Hayden promised forever.
But so did the rest of them.
After the text I always ask what is going on. "You can't hide it from me." I always say the same thing.
But they just say we need to talk in person.
Like I don't already know exactly what they will tell me.
"I'm sorry, but I don't want forever with you."
Sorry? Yeah right. Try tired.
They always get tired of me. But you know what?
I'm tired of the same text every time. The same words from the person I thought would never leave.
I'm tired of it always being me who gets left behind.
So the next time I get that text?
I'm turning off my phone. I don't want to know that Hayden is leaving me too.
And then? I will say goodbye first.