Sometimes, I am happy, genuinely happy. Happy where I laugh. Like last night. I was facetiming my boyfrined before I had to go eat. And I don't eeven know what was so funny but we only facetimed for 5 minutes before I had to go and I laughed the entire time. And I don't know why. I'm laughing just thinking about it now. Every time I'd start to calm down and go to look at him, I'd laugh again. My stomach was hurting and I had tears in my eyes and I couldn't breathe. My lungs felt as though I'd filled them with lit matches and yet the feeling was pleasant.
Sometimes I'm mad, like furious and ready to throw things. I wasn't taught paitience, I was taught that when I'm seeing red it's okay to throw things and hit others... After all, my parents did it to me, so isn't it okay? Despite being taught that I haven't hit someone out of anger (other than as a young child) and the last time I threw something at someone was a few months ago after my brother called me a liar when I had said I was awake reading. I was furious that morning. Before that time I hadn't thrown something out of anger since I was 12 and got mad at my parents. That time I went to my room to "clean" and shut the door, turned on music really loud and threw stuff at the walls and cussed. But I have been known to get snappy easily when I'm mad... Something I try not to do because it's not fair to others. I was taught my father's temper and I hate it. I want no association with my father.
I walk around holding pain, clutching it to my chest. Knowing I should throw it down but I don't want to... It'd a friend turned foe, but she's the one who's been there when everyone has left. She follows like a lost puppy. I know I need to let her go but I can't. If I let go, will my writing mean something? If I let go, will it cease to be an escape? If I let go, what do I have left when everyone else is gone? How do I let go of pain when the very center of my pain lives with me, when the center of my pain is the one who controls nearly every aspect of my life until I can move out?
But there's hope in my mind. One day, I'll move out.... Get away from my abusers. I'll be free. And this place, will burn to ashes when I'm gone. They'll have no one to put all the responsibilities on. And when I leave, I'm not coming back. Ever. And that... that gives me hope.
In a world filled with so many perils
It's good to sit down and reflect a bit.
To think about the tiny things-the cardinal I saw eat from the feeder
Then I take a glimpse of the clear blue sky
And I feel as if I could fly
My spirits are high as I turn to admire the horse trollop by
And then that curly headed child says aloud:
I love you so much.
This brings to mind what is best.
The things that make me happiest-
Not things and games and toys for humans
But life and breath and Earth's beauty in creation.
A joy to all who hear,
Connecting everyone far and near.
A universal language known to all,
Enjoyed by the great and the small.
Change, My Sweet Friend
As all the world reaches daily end
And turns away from the blue
I linger on for a faithful friend
Who shines before the gloom
I only see them through the glass
Of a home I have learned to love
And all the while I cannot pass
On the lessons therein above
Yes, the pink and purple majesty
Strikes at heather in my heart
And lights a fire endlessly
That I carry through the dark
In the defiant scene of golden glow
It cannot be denied
That we are watching the greatest show
That Netflix can’t provide
I ask you all to step away
From black corners and black screens
And take a chance to with me lay
On the ever-present dream
The sky is not a battlefield
Of darkness over light
But rather a miraculous sphere
Of love dancing with fright
For in the rising of the eve
There is a dying away
Of all the selves that we must leave
Who lead us through the fray
And then we’re left with all we are
That we try to put to sleep
Only to recall in dreamscapes far
We are not who we seem
The setting sun is a daily trance
In the process we all face
The transmutation of parlance
To one of kindness and grace
The planet moves and oh, it shakes
To see us all at play
But it is we who are left to make
The fate of every day
Would I have known this truly
Had I not pondered on the paint
That strokes each moment differently
At a quarter past eight?
Perhaps it would have come to me
With time and passing pains
But now that I see the revelry
I will come back again and again
Something so small, now so grand
Looks for you each way
Hoping that you’ll understand
The message in sky’s sway
You cannot simply ignore the call
Of the delicious drive for change
It will find you, one and all
By midnight or mid-age
Now the hour is falling late
And my friend will be back soon
And we will smile as we wait
For our dear one, the moon
I welcome them with open arms
Forces that will always be
And recognize there is no harm
In letting all lies cease
How deeply I feel they clear the way
For happiness, harmony, and peace
What I Remember
It’s not something I remember all the way,
Or I remember easily,
I know there was an old wooden cross,
Planted in the sand,
And the trees crowded around it
Until the sun set,
And shown through the trembling leaves,
And casting the shadow along
The benches where we sat.
I know after our stuffy, nine-hour long car drive
That I ran across the coloring sand
In my boxy, mint green dress.
And I tugged it up just enough so the hem
Didn’t get wet,
But the waves would leave bubbles between my toes.
I know I made a candle by dipping a long string into pots,
Of colored wax.
I was so excited by the rings of color at the end,
The orange, purple and pink,
That I kept dipping until,
The base was as big as my fist.
This didn’t make the craft lady happy,
Who scolded me more than once.
But I knew I was right,
Because my candle didn’t fall apart,
Like she said it would.
I know I wanted it so badly;
An eraser purple necklace from the gift shop,
My mom caved in and got it for me.
I know that it broke,
Two days later.
I know we played mancala
Outside of a cabin full of dead animals,
Bones and branches.
It was carved into the table
And we used rocks and acorns
I know there was a famous ice cream store
We passed before we came to camp.
It was called Blue Moon,
With a crescent
Flashing neon onto the cars as they passed.
I remember giddily peering through the clear plastic
Onto the tubs of fanciful flavors
I could choose from.
With all the bravery and excitement I could muster,
I picked Blue Moon.
I know we sat outside,
On the sticky, faux-stone benches
Under an umbrella impossible to open.
I know we entered a sand castle contest,
And it was my job to gather driftwood and feathers
To make our Garden of Eden look real.
I know we sang silly prayers in the big,
Stained café before we got the chance to
Eat until we were full, and sip hot cocoa,
In the middle of summer.
I know one day while I was swimming,
I pooped in my swimsuit,
And without a towel
I waddled the sandy sidewalks
And creaking bridges
To our cabin where Dad was snoring on the couch.
I remember telling him I made a mess
But nothing afterward.
I remember Grandma
Giving my favorite Kitty
In her cabin after we played with puzzles.
Later, I’ll never know how much,
My aunts, Mom and sisters were playing Bingo
With me in the café.
I won, and out of the crate of prizes,
I picked another Kitty
Just like the one Grandma gave me,
And got a Kitty with orange and yellow
But after the game ended,
My sister Hannah didn’t win,
And with one sister with two cats,
And one with none,
My mother made me decide
Which one to give up.
Both were black and gray
And both were practically the same,
Except, one was far cuter than the other.
A moral dilemma burgeoned in my
Seven-Year-old mind -
Do I give her the cute one?
Or the ugly one?
Kitty, the cute one more –
I let Hannah have the ugly one.
I know I used the individual
Coffee creamers as milkshakes
For my Kitty.
They kept them in a basket next to the
Coffee machine in the café.
Where kids found silly smiles
In drinking hot cocoa in the middle of summer.
I don’t know why
We can’t go back.
The way Mom and Dad explained it
Had to go with the owner molesting someone?
Or gambling the land away?
I choose to remember the pretty things;
The daddy-long-legs, the inchworms, the woodpecker
Under the bridge.
The red, rusty spigot we fruitlessly tried to spray
Off the sand sticking to our feet.
The hot metal canoe I sat in
As my parents paddled to the picnic.
The chance to sit under that tall cross and
Write while the pastor rambled on about on.
I don’t remember anything else,
i u we us, smile! (?)
colors laugh/gold peach lilac please/what ice cream do you want my sweet/kiss your forehead/love you boy/braid your hair/smells nice/mint coconut apple pear lemon lime salty sweet milky cream/catch your breath/catch mine too/clouds hang low/dear, let me sing/sweet melodies/your turn/cobalt sky/nightlight on/hold me, love/I’ll never be gone/dance slowly/move me gently/never let me go/birds sing hearts weep/wind howls breeze leaps/darling sing to me/hum softly/tears swell/you’re mine boy/pull me in/i want to feel your voice/I’m yours/marmalade cream sugar sweet/spin me/sweetheart your zipper’s down/give me your cheek/mwah/all better now don’t cry/look me in my eye/everything’s going to be fine/chocolate cake/love’s letter/seen better/without you no/this one’s fine/lend me your arms/you’ll hold me/never stop to think/just do/sleep tight/see you in the morning/goodnight love/won’t you hold me/surround me/aah/light touch/protect me/calm down/save breath/i‘ll catch it for you/you catch mine/tongues touch/eyes close dreamily/hearts race/red warm/same breath breathing/life pulsing through veins/run to me/meet me on the other side/race you/pick up speed/love wait/i’m here for you/don’t go/never/carry me/sweetheart hold my hand/believe in i and u and we and us/go further/run faster/fly higher/dream bigger/do better/live lighter/stay stronger/weep softer/cry sweeter/ love longer/grow greener/say you love me/yes/no/I love you sweet/love you too/you whisper sugar sweet words/i’ll sleep/you make me happy/you hum light into my dreams/happier than anyone/kiss my neck/happier than whispered sugar sweet words can say/love you/g’night, love/g’night
A Letter to the One I Love
being hopeful may be my biggest downfall in life,
but nothing will make me give up on us,
the universe may try as it will to seperate our lives,
but we will always remain close as long as we try,
for you and i are not like the rest,
we are broken and hurt and bruised,
which has brought us closer together,
i will never give up on you,
you don't realise it yet,
but i will stick around as i can't imagine life without you,
we have a future,
perhaps you are blinded from it at the moment,
but i know in my heart we can find happiness again,
and i will wait as long as it takes,
your smile is worth it,
our smiles are worth it